Well, It’s Getting Closer

Yep, the date is fast approaching. We are quite good for time, I think. Well, Mrs. Birdman is, I should say. I just kind of sit there and nod. It’s all too much for me to understand. I can’t figure out why things have to be so complicated, and so detailed.

I’m trying to figure out my vows right now. I have to write out a scene, in which we have a mock vow thing, but I really have no clue as to how these things go. I want to do it with my own flair, but that might be too offensive to say, “I promise to try and sweep up the dog hair every day, if you promise to give me oral three times a week.”.

Of course I’m joking. That’s worth oral every day, but what I’m getting at is that not many of my family members are going to see the humour in it.

Another thing that I’m afraid to bring up is that I want to tie a wagon to Blue’s collar, and have him pull my niece down the aisle, while she spreads the flower petals. I know she’s going to bring up the fact that Blue will take off, and that a little girl will end up going ass over tea kettle into the pond or something. Yeah, maybe that could happen, but it’s what life jackets are for, isn’t it?

Where'd ya go, Blue?

We went to look at the barn yesterday, and it’s pretty nice. The people are accommodating, so that’s a big plus. They do have a pond, so we will have to keep an eye on kids. I hate being a spoilsport about it, but I really don’t think that kids should be around weddings, after the ceremony, when the booze starts to flow. I know it’s a pain in the ass for people, but we are well known for our lack of responsibility when we are drunk. Seriously, I wouldn’t want the girls, or my nephews to know some of the extremely fun shit I’ve done, only because it was fucking dangerous. Shooting fireworks at each other, brawling, jumping out of speeding boats is not very smart at all. Fun, but not very smart.

I’ve been to some pretty rough weddings before, and I don’t think that those levels of tomfoolery should be unveiled to children. A few of you will remember a wedding dance at the ——- arena that ended with a few people in the hospital. One with a broken head, and the other with stab wounds. Countless other receptions have ended up with fights or other forms of idiocy, and I myself have seen stripping, oral sex, and drug use, at weddings, just to name a few.

Would you want your kids to see this shit? Yeah, me too.

Now, I’m not saying that these are bad things to happen at a wedding dance, I’m just saying that kids shouldn’t be exposed to them until they are at least twelve, so we are asking everyone to have their children gone by around ten. I think that’s quite fair, because I don’t want to be the one to explain why Uncle Mike was fixing that lady’s underwear with his teeth. Do you?

So play the Cotton-Eyed Joe, for the folks don’t ya know, leave the dogs in the truck, til’ you leave,


P.S. What’s the craziest shit you’ve seen/done at a wedding?

16 thoughts on “Well, It’s Getting Closer

    • Don’t forget that we have no Newt Gingrich types here. Well, they are around, we just don’t allow them to speak in public.

  1. Less the 2 weeks and I will be there!! OMGOMGOMGOMG!! So excited! Can’t wait to get fitted for the tux. do the rehersal and help with whatever else needs to get done.

    Ok. Wait. I just sounded like a total girl.

    Dude, where’s the strip club we is hanging at while the women folk get the hitchn’ going?

    That was better.

    I think Blue pulling a wagon with your niece would be awesome! Yee Haa!!

    • I know, I can’t wait to see you. You’re going to rock that tux. You might have to keep a leash on Blue.

  2. I’m sure it will all come together on the day.

    Totally agree about the kids too. When my sister got married the plan was for my Mum to take her kids, who were 4 & 5 at the time, home with her when she left. Mum wasn’t one for staying out late or partying, but it got to about 9pm and they were still there. My sister loves her kids but she wanted them to go so that we could all do some REAL partying…if you get my drift. Unfortunately our Mother had been given a few drinks, and not wanting to appear rude (she was very prim and proper) had drunk them.

    The reception was at my sisters house and as she had a few friends staying over ended up spending her wedding night with the kids in her bed as Mother eventually had to be “helped” into a cab and was in no fit state to mind the kids.

  3. Was at a wedding up on Barrie where a guy got pissed off at his cousin stood up and smashed a beer bottle right on the table on front of them then ran over and upended the head table. These were adults (in their late 50’s) apparently arguing about a daughter of one of them because she’s gay. Not one of the guy’s proudest moments I’m sure. But made for good gossip outside in the smoking area. 🙂

  4. What. The. Hell??? You’ve seen WHAT at weddings? Damn, my life is so boring compared to yours. I don’t have a fun story to add to your PS question of the day. Sigh. Damn sheltered life.

    But, congrats to you and Mrs. Birdman. I know you have to be getting excited with the big day approaching fast. And, I think it would be awesome to have Blue pulling your niece in a wagon.

      • I grew up around rednecks and dated a couple…. I eventually escaped the hell of that town. Huh. I guess I got out before folk started getting married. Well, hell. I’ll just live vicariously through you.

        • I’m usually around, but I don’t know if you want to live vicariously through me. People have gotten pregnant from doing that.

  5. I’m with Missy, what the hell kind of weddings have you been attending. I’ve never seen anything like that. Apparently I’m going to the wrong weddings. I say have you wedding the way you want. Let the parents worry about parenting but I’d definitely give them a heads up.

    • Oh, we’re having it the way we want. It’s a barn dance with a twenty minute ceremony at the start of it.

  6. Oh man, you ARE funny! Gerri makes me hurt from laughing so i see that you guys are 2 peas in a pod. 🙂
    Looking forward to meeting you very soon Chris!

    • Thanks, Ruby, I hope your opinion isn’t spoiled when you meet me for OUR WEDDING!!!!!! I can’t wait to meet you.

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