We Floated Our Fannies


Yep, we surely did. It was the maiden voyage for all of us, and it was awesome. Out of 56 crazy crafts, we came in 17th. Not too shabby, right?

See? I'm not lying. We're fucking prodigies. Top 10 next year, baby.

See? I’m not lying. We’re fucking prodigies. Top 10 next year, baby.

We had a pretty amazing raft built for Float Your Fanny Down The Ganny 2013 at Northumberland Repair & Refinish, but Michael and the guys there explained that it was too big and heavy, so we ended up scrapping the idea and building it a bit smaller and lighter because of their advice.

Good thing too, because we were scraping bottom with the new one and it is hundreds of pounds lighter than the first raft. I am very glad that Michael and Amy let us use the shop, because if they hadn’t, we would have showed up and been marooned almost instantly. I also wouldn’t have known where I was going to take The Goblin for work when I eventually hit something hard. Amy was telling me that I don’t have to take my vehicle to wherever the insurance company wants me to, and that they will work with people to make it easier on them if they do have an accident. This was all news, because every time I had an accident in my younger days, they would give me three or four places to get estimates from, and I never questioned them. I will now though.

Anyhow, if you’re looking for a decent guy to deal with, call them at 289-251-2660. Tell them I sent you, and they will probably make you haul that monster raft away. (I’ll try to get over this week.)

Here's what we did the night before the race. Gadget is probably the handiest guy I know, and I'd be lost without him.

Here’s what we did the night before the race. Yes, it’s four pics in one.

Race day morning we went early to see what all goes on around the launch site. It was a madhouse. I had no idea so many launched each year. I guess because twenty percent never get to the finish line, and that’s where I am when I’m a spectator, I wouldn’t know.

Lots of peeps ready to brave the semi-frigid waters.

Lots of peeps ready to brave the semi-frigid waters.

Despite all the people there, we were able to get a bunch of our special “warming” coffee into us and get registered and into the water within twenty minutes or so. York Bell-Smith, from 107.9 The Breeze was doing a great job of pumping up the crowd, and that peameal sandwich was doing a good job of getting me through the staging.

Another cool thing that happened was that Pete Fisher, local journalist and author of Highway Of Heroes: True Patriot Love was on hand and interviewed D$ and a bunch of other crafters for a piece that ended up on CTV news.

If you haven’t read his book and you are a Canadian, you need to get it right now. It’s beautiful, heart-wrenching, and inspirational, so go read some reviews and then email petefisher@eagle.ca for info on how to buy it. If you don’t love it, I’ll buy it back from you. (with kisses and tender caresses)

Pete Fisher interviewing D$.

Pete Fisher interviewing D$. She shovelled the shit out of that river.

Now it’s launch time.

Yeah, a ramp or something would be nice right here. One step at a time, I guess.

Yeah, that’s straight down. A ramp or something would be nice right here. One step at a time, I guess.


It was a steady stream at first, but three didn't get past that bridge.

It was a steady stream at first, but three didn’t get past that bridge.

Look how happy she is, and JSim still has her headgear on. That won’t last long.

We're off. Well, except for having to push. After that we're off.

We’re off. Well, except for having to push. After that we’re off.

This is where we learned about low bridges and high flagpoles.

Self explanatory, I think.

Self explanatory, I think.

The first 3/4 of the race was fairly uneventful. There was a lot of passing, dragging the vessel over and around rocks, fighting off fucking douchebags that throw eggs, balloons, and buckets of water at us (like it’s not cold enough for the 2+ hours we’re on that thing), and paddling. Next year we are going to use more paddles, because the snow shovels and hockey sticks weren’t cutting it.

We had bags of candy for the kids, but because we didn’t want to go near the shore, we weren’t able to give it out to very many of them. I see that a lot of the rafters were blasting people on the shore with water, but you’d think that they would have the decency to leave people that are just minding their own business alone. One cowardly prick was hiding behind a tarp, and his kids, and whipping balloons as hard as he could at us after we had gone by.

That’s real good parenting right there. You’re too fucking lazy to throw a float in yourself, so you’ll teach your kids how to make the people who do, have a little bit shittier of a day. Bang up job, hillbilly. I guess we’ll be better prepared for these bottom feeders next year. I think the worst one was the count (choose a vowel to remove) that was throwing eggs, because those things could really hurt someone. He got a girl in the forehead and gave her a bad goose egg on her melon. What if that had got her eye? He was followed closely in the douche awards by the miserable corksoaker with the 5 gallon pail of water. He nailed Gadget and Mrs. B in the face with a bucket load, then got me in the chest and right down my waders, thoroughly soaking my shirt and pants. Thanks, goof.

The portage was a lot longer than Scooter told me, but after a bunch of switching we made it to the other side. I would think that they would have a better setup for getting in and out, because El Payaso Mistico got off the raft to help drag the raft up the bank and sunk up to his neck in loon shit and water. I don’t know, it just seems there would be a better way after all these years.

I suppose I should introduce you to the team.

This is us.

This is us.

Our ground team of top-notch photographers included Breasts McGee, JSim, D$, and Erin Campbell. Well, I just stole Erin and JSims from Facebook, but you do what you gotta do.


We are getting so close.

I think we might have seen someone we know. It's either that or we were ordering some street meat.

I think we might have seen someone we know. It’s either that or we were ordering some street meat.

People started spraying us in the home stretch, but it seemed more fun here. I guess it’s because there are tons of warm places at the finish line and we’re only 100 yards away.

So much fun, but it's all over soon.

So much fun, but we’ve reached the end.

It turned out our buddy Grant and his twin boys got 10th place on their first trip, so that was pretty cool as well. I think we’ll have to lighten up for next year if we’re going to challenge them at all.

In spite of working up a sweat with the incessant paddling and all that, we all had a really good time. Our craft held up extremely well, other than the strapping that was torn off the bottom from the constant smashing on the rocks, and the busted flagpole. We will have to make some improvements for next year: like potato cannon turrets for the egg man and bucket ass, and possible some go-go girls on the bow.

We also want to thank all of the volunteers, the police, fire and rescue, OCEAP, and everyone else involved in making our inaugural run a whopping success. I was completely amazed at the phenomenal support we had at every spot, except the portage. People were so helpful and nice, that it almost made me want to tip them. I said almost. Don’t get all crazy on me.

I should mention that we didn’t go without our injuries. I got a paddle blister, JSim broke a nail, and El Payoso carved open his hand. Good thing we’re all hard as nails, or we may have just given up.

Yep. Next year I'll duct tupe my palms. Or wear gloves. That could help too.

Yep. Next year I’ll duct tape my palms. Or wear gloves. That could help too.

Okay, I know I’m forgetting some shit, but it’ll have to wait. I should probably go back and change the “C” word and the “CS” word, so I don’t frighten people off of the post. You probably guessed where they were by now. Right?

Well, we built us a raft and she’s ready for floatin’, ol’ Ganaraska, she’s callin’ my name,


6 thoughts on “We Floated Our Fannies

  1. That’s pretty hard core! I’m impressed, but it looks a little chilly to me. At least you have water. Our river is still iced over.

    Too bad about the people that spoil it for the others. eggs? That’s just crazy!

    Pretty impressed that you have a straight blade, wooden hockey stick! That thing belongs in a museum, not to be used as a makeshift oar?

    • Haha, they weren’t straight when we started, Ken. Yeah, I don’t know why people have to try and ruin it for people who are trying to have fun and support the town. Ah well, we will just have to combat it better next year. It doesn’t get cold enough to freeze this one over, at least not that I can remember.

  2. Well if your gonna compete with Grant then you better get at it !! Lol. He’s already scheming what to do next year and how to improve the “boat” so that he and the “twin” boys will have a top five finish! Definitely a trolley of sorts for the portage…. We shoulda just “borrowed” one as there were many hidden in the trees once we got looking! It was a great day and very well organized I must add.

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