Therapy Thursdays


I have an issue with being too nice to people when really I just want to tell them what losers they really are. Then when I finally do say something, it comes out really harsh and I am known as a bitch. How can I take care of these people without crushing them?


Up in the clouds

Dear Up,

You are wise to not want the people around you to be crushed, either physically or emotionally. You never know when you’ll need to borrow some of their shit, or get in on a threesome with them or their spouse.

I’m probably not the one to ask about this, because I can tell by your name that you’re probably a douchebag, and I don’t waste my time on useless tits, such as yourself. What I would do if I were you, is talk to Mrs. Birdman, because she’s got a soft spot for fuck-ups, and idiots. After you don’t take her advice, I want you too go to the woods, find a big, hard tree, and smack your head into it until you become unconscious.

People like you make me mad, because you use up valuable oxygen and other resources, that could be saved to keep a productive member of society or their pets alive. I sure hope you can dance sexy, because about all you’re good for is stripping at retirement homes. I’m getting sick of you, and I haven’t even met you… or have I? Shit, I hope you don’t have any tools or a wife I need to borrow.

Say it like it is, Up in the colon,



Hi Up, it’s me, Mrs. B.  You should know that Birdman is just a big fat douchebag sometimes, and he really is the worst advice columnist I have ever seen.  I don’t think convicted felons could give worse council.  It’s also possible he drank a bottle of bleach before he lit into you with his tirade, so maybe cut him a bit of slack when you visit him in the hospital this week.

Now, as far as being called a bitch, I wouldn’t let it bother you.  I actually know you in real life, and I can say without hesitation that you are one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met.  I find it hard to imagine that you ever let salty language of any type pass your lips.  You are just THAT sweet.  🙂  I can also say that you are one hell of a dancer, and just as cute as a button.  No, UP, you are not a bitch.  All of the losers look up to you and just want to be around someone as nice as you are.  It’s really not their fault.  Also, you should remember that losers rarely take good advice anyway, so why waste your time?  Now, go put on your dancin’ shoes and shake a leg, you saucy thing.

It’s only rock and roll, but I like it…

Mrs. Birdman



Dear Birdman,

I am going to a Pride dance on Saturday night. I am really looking forward to it but I’m afraid that I won’t be able to talk to the girls there. Or at least, the ones I think are girls. How can I tell if they are, and what should I wear as a costume? Should I gender bend or go as something a bit more normal?

Thanks for the help,

Confused in the North

Hi Confused,

I can’t tell you the best way, but I can tell you the way that gets you arrested at Toronto Pride in 2001. You see back then I was not quite as aware of the gay lifestyle, and I was still believing the stereotypes about gay people. I decided I was going to try to impersonate a girl, because I wasn’t having much luck with the straight ladies, also because I had seen Boys Don’t Cry and I thought maybe a real live lesbian would go for me if she thought I was a split-tail. I had seen my share of pornos by that time, and lesbians were where it was at. I donned a pair of Birkenstocks and a plaid shirt, shaved my legs, stuffed my bra, taped up my junk, and headed for the parade.

Apparently walking around at the pride parade and cupping crotches is not a good way to see if someone is a male or female. By the time I found a real lesbian, I had been punched, kicked, spit on and groped about the toilet paper breasts. I was so excited to try out my moves on her, I didn’t notice the cop trying to get the cuffs on me. For whatever reason, they didn’t believe my story, and arrested me for eight counts of sexual assault, although two offered to drop the charges, if I would agree to a date. So I ended up with six charges and two dates, which were quite pleasant, and I was none the wiser when I got home. I have since found a girl that would sleep with me as a straight dude, and I find it much easier than pretending to be someone I’m not. I also should let you know that when taping your genitals up, don’t use duct tape, and shave everything.

Please pray for me,


Oh Confused…please disregard the previous 2 paragraphs.  (*eye roll*)

As far as Pride goes, can’t you kind of wing it?  If you see someone attractive, and you think it’s a she, then do your best “Hey There” eyes and sashay (or stomp, whatever blows your hair back) on over to say hello.  If it’s a guy dressed as a girl, he’ll certainly be pleased he fooled you, right?  If it’s a girl, then I think we have a win-win situation, now don’t we?  Either way, the overall spirit of pride is one of fun and celebration of differences, so I can’t imagine you are going to insult anyone by letting them know that you think they are attractive.

As to the question of gender-bending, I would have to ask you a question:  What would make YOU feel most attractive?  Confident?  Inspired?  I think that if you answer those questions, you will probably figure out which route to go in your outfit.  I also think that if you are to meet *Mrs. Right* at the dance, what *you* do you want her to be attracted to?  The *you* that identifies as a lesbian out on the town, or the *you* that feels hot and confident dressed in very masculine attire.  The world is your oyster, and this is your time to have a bit of fun and see what makes you happy.  Enjoy the party, and let us know how it all goes down.  Literally.  *wink*

Dude looks like a lady, but she’s alright with me…

Mrs. B.

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