I hear you are an expert when it comes to controlling problem wildlife. I have troubles with raccoons getting into everything year after year and was wondering if you had any advice on how to keep them away?
First off, can’t you come up with a decent name like they do in the professional advice columns? Something like Rabidly Hating Raccoons, or Not Cool With Coons? Whatever. Just because I have no experience at this, doesn’t mean that I’m cheap and don’t deserve to be treated with advice columnist respect.
Now I don’t claim to be an expert in anything, but I do know that you must be a simpleton if you are trying to keep raccoons away because they are fucking delicious.
My advice is to get a weapon of some sort and what I do is throw some rotting chicken or other meat out in the garbage and wait for the little bastards to try and open it. That’s when they taste my stout club,(but you can use whatever) right behind the ear. Another way I’ve heard of is to live trap and drown them, but I won’t trade a speedy kill for extra tender meat, especially if I have to look into those big brown eyes as I slowly lower them into the rain barrel because that’s just inhumane.
Some of the neighbours get pissed off with the noise, what with the screaming and flailing if they don’t die right away, but I just send over a small pot of this delicious stew and that usually keeps them quiet for a while.
- 1 raccoon, cleaned, skinned and quartered
- 4 cups water
- 2 carrots, diced
- 1 stalk celery, diced
- 2 large potatoes, cubed
In a large pot, place the meat and cover with water. Bring to a boil and cook for 1 hour.Remove meat and allow to cool. Discard water.Remove meat from bones and cut into 1” – 2” cubes. Sprinkle with pepper.Add meat back to pot and add water, carrots, celery and potatoes. Season to taste with salt.Bring to a boil, reduce heat and cook until veggies are tender. Adjust seasoning if needed.Serve and enjoy.
Love thy neighbour… if they’re lovable,
P.S. Please send all questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or dm me in discord at . They will all be posted on the following Thursday. If you don’t send any, then I will be forced to invent shit, and you won’t like it.