Therapy Thursday


Hey Birdman, do you still do Therapy Thursday?

I got a question that you might be able to help with. I got a buddy that borrows my shit and never brings it back. Half the time I don’t think he even uses it. I think he borrows it to look like he’s going to do work around his house, but he never does. How long does it take to rake 200 square feet of sand or thread a bit of pipe? Not three fucking years, I can tell you that. So I was wondering if you could let me know the proper way to approach him to get my shit back and not piss him off to much?

He’s moving away soon, and I don’t want my stuff to get “accidentally” packed up and shipped out west when he goes. He’s known to not think about things that don’t interest him, so it would be good to not have to go and buy all of the shit that I already bought before. You know what I mean?


Dear Dave:

I think that a good way to bring it up would be to just call the guy up and say, “Hey man, are you still using my rake, weed eater, and pipe threader? I was thinking about raking my own yard and realised that I hadn’t seen the rake in a while. I then remembered that you had borrowed it.”

If you did it that way he would probably be a bit embarrassed and drop your stuff off with a case of Lakeport Light and a good visit. He would most likely say that he was sorry and to never lend him anything again. After that you would both have a hearty laugh and he would move away on good terms.

What I wouldn’t do is write into his fucking blog and act like a total asshole. If you did that, I would expect that he would probably break your fucking rake handle in half and piss in your whipper snipper gas tank. Pipe threader? What the fuck would I even do with a pipe threader? I don’t even know how to do plumbing things with pipes. I do have your chain saw though. I tried to cut a rock in half with it, so you might want to give it a bit of a sharpening. Oh, and you should have mentioned that the gas had to be mixed.


Also, maybe not everybody likes doing yard work like a fucking idiot every weekend. I guess it’s the only way your wife will let you drink beer and piss in the yard, you fucking lush. Maybe if you stayed sober once in a while you would remember where your god damned pipe threader was.

Anyhow, I hope you found this advice useful. If you check your ditch in the morning, you’ll find your stuff mixed in with a wheelbarrow load of the winter’s dog shit.

I assume that’s your wheelbarrow.


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