Therapy Thursday

Before we get to today’s problem, I just want to say that I was taken aback the other day when I clicked onto one of my favourite blogs and saw my name there. If you look directly above this, you will see a makeshift drawing in rudimentary colours. Bryan did that up for me when they were doing their Kickstarter for their newest book: Dead and Moaning in Las Vegas. I’m sure most of the regulars here have checked them out, but for any of you that haven’t, you should go and do that right now. Don’t worry, Smarty will be here when you get back. He might not have as many brain cells, but luckily he doesn’t need them to be an asshole.

It was really a surprise and an honour to be mentioned on their hallowed walls, and I hope that some day I can repay the favour to them. It’ll probably be bailing them out of a TJ jail after a donkey show gone bad, but whatever it is, I hope I can put a smile on their faces like they put on mine.


Dear Birdman,

I’ve been sort of dating this guy for a few years now, but I have always been suspicious that he’s sleeping around on me. We rarely go out in public, he’s always playing jai alai with his buddies, or going out drinking and golfing. I see him once a week if I’m lucky, but it’s always at his place or mine.

My friends all think I’m nuts, but I can see that he’s opening up a little to me each year. He’s been caught on a few occasions lying, or not showing up when he is supposed to. When I confront him about it, he always has an excuse for why he lied or didn’t make it. I guess it’s my fault for wanting more out of the relationship than a quick lay almost every week, when I know he has trust issues. Once I thought I caught him fucking around, and he turned it around on me, saying that I was suspicious because I probably am having an affair. I’m not! I wouldn’t do that.

Anyhow, I want to know what you think I should do. Should I wait it out and see if he comes around? He says that I’m important to him and he’s really fond of me. That’s good, for him to be fond of me. Right? I think he needs a little space to hang out and see if he’s ready to commit to a few days a week. We have really good sex, and I’d hate to lose that.

Confused in Connecticut

Alright, here’s the deal. You don’t really care what I have to say. You are going to nod, maybe say “Yep, that’s what I need to do.” or “You’re right. I need to move on with my life.”, but you won’t. For whatever reason, you have yourself believing that you aren’t worth more than that.

Well, do you ever want to be worth more? Here’s a sign I posted on the Facebook page a while ago.

Read the fucking sign

You know what? I don’t give two shits if he’s fucking around on you. It doesn’t matter. You are an afterthought to him. You are a (presumably) warm body to throw one into when there’s nothing to do with his buddies. His treatment of you is bad enough to warrant getting rid of his shitty ass, before even speculating on whether he is tapping some strange (he is). He is going to keep doing this, because it doesn’t matter to you. You’ll still be there when he needs to do a little skeet shooting, and even if you’re not…Who cares? The guy just doesn’t give a shit about you. Do you know why he says he’s fond of you? Because it’s the bare minimum that he has to do to keep a regular piece of ass waiting around for him. Do you know how valuable you would be to that guy? $150 for a hooker and a cheap hotel room. Maybe more.

I really don’t know why I typed all this out in an effort to make you see that you are being manipulated, because you are going to disregard this, and then go and do what you want anyhow. Might as well. It’s worked so well up until now. I guess I did this so your friends could see that I’m right, or better yet, so you could prove that I’m not. Either way, I’m out of here for now.

Well I laid my head on the railroad tracks, waitin’ on the double D,


Holy fuck. It’s like we’re dealing with fucking high school kids here. Alright, here’s the deal. I’m going to get across the border somehow, and I’m going to come down there. You need to get rid of this guy, or bring him in, but that will take some time and effort.

I figure a jealousy thing at first, and by the time we’re done he should be begging you to move in with him. To do this, I figure we will start banging on film, and sending him the stills. We should do it in every position there is, and make him ache for you with every email he gets. I hope you like fisting, because that is the piece de resistance. He will be beside himself with envy and surely come running.

If this doesn’t work, we should go out and just have sex at his work. No condoms either, so maybe you’ll get knocked up and can get him to raise the baby because you don’t want me anywhere near our child. Either way it’s a win-win.

This alcohol huffing is going to my brain,


7 thoughts on “Therapy Thursday

  1. You’ve been seeing the guy for a few years and he still sees you as a fuck buddy. You need to search for some more commitment from him. I might not be a woman, but I think that you should take Beyonce’s advice when she said “if you like then you shoulda put a ring on it”. Then again, she also said “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly”, so I’m not sure what to believe.

  2. First off, stay away from Smarty. He has things crawling on him they haven’t found names for yet.

    And second, dump that guy’s ass! You are way better then that! And he does not deserve you!!

  3. Friend me on Facebook. That should get him going. Make hot racy comments
    And post a sexy pic or two for me. He’ll be jealous as fuckin hell.

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