Dear Therapy Thursday:
My wife isn’t a big fan of oral, but she’ll do it from time to time. How do I get her to do more blowies?
Not Sleeping Well
Dear Not Sleeping: I’m going to need a little more background, because you left me with a 28 word question. How the fuck am I supposed to know any details with that brief of an outline?
Would you go to your doctor and say: “Sometimes I piss and it feels like I’m cleaning my urethra with 80 grit sandpaper, how do I make it not do that all the time? See you later. Please call me and leave a message with the answer.”?
No you wouldn’t. You would give as many details as possible to help him get to the root of the problem. It’s just how things work. That being said, I will try to answer your question as best I can with what I’ve been given. I will have to speculate of course, but I’m sure it’s fairly accurate.
- Wash your junk. I don’t mean give the shaft a quick wipe with an A&W napkin that you had in your glove box, I mean take soap and water, lather up your bits from your crack to your sac and rub it into anything that she will be able to taste or smell. You don’t want her grossed out by anything when she gets down there, so the more pleasant the smell, the more apt she’ll be to return. (This goes for you too, ladies. If you make it inviting, we are more than willing to oblige. Well, I am anyhow. Call me.)
- Try not to eat a bunch of spicy, garlicky foods prior to the festivities. I know it sounds cliche, but just try to eat mild, pleasant tasting food, and include fresh, sweet fruits like strawberries and of course, pineapple. I’ve been told that it really does make a difference, but it’s not a make or break type of thing. Might as well not make them gag (unless it’s the good way) if you can help it.
- Reassure them always. If you were eating your dinner at the “Y”, and she was reading the latest book in the Twilight series with an occasional “You’re doing okay, Champ.” thrown in for good measure, you probably aren’t going to end up there very often, are you? I didn’t think so. People like to be told when they are doing something well, and the key to sexual happiness is communication, so if you add them both together, you should see that you need to vocalize shit. “Oh god, Baby! That’s so fucking good. Oh shit, yeahhhh.” sounds a lot better than “….don’t do that…..you dragged your teeth….that feels pretty good……here, let me finish…….. unhh.” If she thinks you are loving the shit out of her efforts, no matter how meager, you will find that she is much more willing to please you.
- Ask. Yep. Just ask her to blow you, but have fun with it. Sex is supposed to be fun, isn’t it? Well, unless you’re a Catholic, then you shouldn’t be getting your nuts juggled anyhow. “This thing isn’t going to suck itself.” is a good one, or try “Please, Ma’am. Speak into the microphone.” is another that will kind of fluff up your real question, which is: “Will you please put this freshly washed, strawberry-tasting schlong into your mouth, and do unspeakable things, while making gagging sounds that make my below-average penis seem bigger, and so as to make me ejaculate into or about the mouth, nose, or eyes?” I think you get my point. I sure hope you do, anyhow.
There you have my thoughts on the matter. There are plenty more where they came from, but apparently Smarty is back from rehab/prison, and wants to add his morsels of fucking wisdom to the mix. I’m sure it has to do with roofies or horse tranquilizers, and a one armed lady named Greezy, but whatever.
If you are sending questions in, and want a more detailed answer, you should throw some more info into the question. Just a thought. We’ll take whatever we can get.
She’s no Mona Lisa, no she’s no playboy star, but she’ll send you to heaven, then explode you to Mars,
Her name isn’t Greezy, it’s Tequila Sheila, and she doesn’t need no tranqs or roofies. Thanks for taking the suspense out of it. Fuck. Now I have to think of something else.
Dear Not Sleeping:
One of the times that I had a job, I worked with a guy that had a surefire way to get his lady to blow him. He would take her out for a nice dinner, maybe stop by the liquor store for a nice bottle, and then take her home where they would settle in for a night of movie watching and a soon to be romantic interlude.
Now this fucker was smooth as eggs, and he knew how to get what he wanted from the ladies. I guess it was his fu-manchu, homemade panther tattoo, or maybe his flowing mullet, but one thing’s for sure, and that’s that this dude had magnetism. The ladies just couldn’t resist him.
So after they had eaten their nice dinner, and he had polished off the better half of his pint of Silent Sam while watching old Chuck Norris movies, he takes her to the bedroom where he props her head up on the pillow and proceeds to just shove it in her mouth. He said that she was playing hard to get for a bit, pretending like she didn’t want it, and then something happened that made him scream and then pass out.
I guess in her excitement, she bit down hard on one of his nuts, and when he woke up in the hospital, they said that it had to be removed. He said that he figured the Arbys was what put her over the top, because she never gets to eat there, and was always easily excitable. Whatever it was, she must have been embarrassed about it, because when he got out of the hospital, she had packed up her shit and moved away. Oh well, you live and learn.
Anyhow, my advice is to do all of that, but go to McDonalds first, because no one gets excited about that shit. I would also stroke her hair as a relaxation method while you are “mouth fucking” her, and just tell her not to accidentally bite your balls. Should be good to go.
Maryann and Wanda were the best of friends,