Therapy Thursday

Dear Therapy Thursday: My two step kids live with me full-time. They go to their mother’s house every other weekend, or 4 days per month. She makes considerably less money than me or my boyfriend, but she also provides nothing for the kids. No school clothes, supplies, or anything related to their healthcare. ALL of the expenses for the children are provided by me and my boyfriend. (Not to mention, we have a baby on the way.) The shit hit the fan last weekend, (her scheduled weekend with the kids) when she told us to “feed them before you bring them here. I have no food and no money to order anything.” (This also inconveniently happened while we were out of town, otherwise, we’d never let the kids even go there.)

This isn’t the first time the ‘feed them’ demand has been made, and it just illustrates that she’s a deadbeat loser. (She gets food stamps and doesn’t have food? Please.) The pity is that she tells the kids she has no food and makes them feel bad for living in a nice house in the ‘burbs with us. Almost making it seem like we are selfish somehow for providing basics like housing, food, and access to a good school district.

I basically want her to eat shit and die,

Step-Mommy Warbucks

(editor’s note- Smarty Pantaloons is on vacation this week. I don’t know why anyone would take a vacation in a Bolivian prison camp, but it’s his holiday, not mine.)

Hey there Step-Mommy, I hear pregnant chicks are horny as fuck. Is that shit true? I had a buddy that used to gross me out all the time by picking up pregnant chicks, taking them home, and banging them for days. Oh well, to each their own I guess.

Alright, I’m gonna finish my smoke and my glass of lube, and then let’s get this show on the road.

So my question to you is this: Why do you call them “two step kids”? Are they in some sort of competitive two step dance circuit? Even so, it seems strange to point that out in an advice column submission. Like it would make a difference to us that they are dancers. I don’t think that the level of advice given will differ whether they two step, foxtrot, or moonwalk. It’s just one of those things that is probably fun for them, but I really don’t give a shit.

Wait. Are they dancing together in these competitions? That is going to seem weird when they get older. I assume they aren’t in high school yet, because that shit won’t fly with the older kids.

It’s been proven that dancing leads to drinking, drugs, and sex (Haven’t you seen Footloose? Duh.), so dancing amongst siblings is probably not a good idea after they reach puberty. Actually, it’s probably okay if you’re in Kentucky, North Carolina, or West Virginia, but you sure don’t want to do that in one of those Godless yankee states, or out there with them hippies on the west coast.

I can’t caption this in good taste. (photo from

I didn’t even ask if they are opposite sex. Jesus, that would open up a whole new kettle of fish in some states. I think they would only be safe in parts of Georgia, New Mexico, and possibly Delaware, because really, does anyone even live there, or know where it is? I think it’s probably the perfect place to live a quiet life of two stepping and incest. (Not that I condone that lifestyle. I’m just helping you with options)

What did Della wear, boy, what did Della wear,



Dear Step-Mommy Warbucks,

Ignore that idiot. He tried to make some homemade Tia Maria, and I think the fumes got to him.

Here’s the deal.  Your boyfriend’s ex is definitely not in a good place, neither emotionally or financially.  People who have a ‘poor me’ viewpoint generally do not see how their words or deeds affect others around them, or how their own actions have contributed to their current predicament.  I believe your step-children are benefitting immensely from being mostly in the care of their father and yourself.  They are likely receiving lots of personal affirmation, spiritual guidance and a generally rich (in experience!) life with the two of you.  It’s probably a very good thing that their mother has a limited amount of influence on them.  You don’t say how old they are, but regardless, they have probably already figured out the disparity between the two homes.  Your anger and frustration with their mother is a separate issue.  The children deserve the best you can give, and if their mother voluntarily opts out of providing them with the basic human needs whenever possible, consider it another opportunity to enrich them with proper nutrition and attention.  The time we have with our children is really very finite, and before we know it, they are gone from our influence and on their own.  Use these years wisely.  Without being judgey or condescending, remind them that hard work pays off, and that persistence and a positive attitude can largely determine your success.  By being around a good, positive influence (you and your boyfriend) you will be giving your children far more to take with them on their future than just a meal that their mother is too lazy or ignorant to provide.  Every time their mother drops the ball, consider it an opportunity to continue to enrich them.

Their mother is a selfish, self-serving, small-minded individual, and the less time and attention they spend in her presence, the better.  Keep doing the right thing, even though it’s frustrating.  Someday those kids will be old enough to see what’s really going on, and the high standards you have set for parenting will be obvious.  This too shall pass, but in the mean time, do your job to the very best of your ability, give them every bit of love and reinforcement that you can, and be comforted that in the big picture, your love and true concern for these children will carry them as far as they can possibly go.

Mommas don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys,

Mrs. B

8 thoughts on “Therapy Thursday

  1. I don’t know if pregnant chicks are horny all the time. I only know that I’m not, particularly because I’m too obsessed with food. I made mac and cheese in the microwave at work at 8:00 this morning. Mrs. B killed her response and said far more eloquently than I ever could the remedy for such a sad situation. I have a crush on her now.

  2. Great advice Mrs.B! Though I have no kids or step kids, I totally agree that putting the kids first and not belittling the other “parent” is important. Kids are smarter then we give them credit for. They know which side thier bread is buttered on. Hang in the Step-Mommy. You are doing a fine job.


    We all have a little crush on Mrs.B.

  3. I would’ve responded, “Sure! No problem! To ease them into the transition, I fed them government cheese and gave them a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. I would have sent them out to walk the streets to make a few bucks, but sadly I’m not really familiar with everything that entails. Could you give me some pointers?”

  4. I’m in the same situation (I’m the father with custody) with a worthless ex. It sucks being the only one who takes care of them but it is what it is. I have grown to hate my ex for putting the kids in the middle but you can’t show that in front of the kids. You keep doing what your doing and eventually when the kids get old enough, they’ll see her for what she is. I explain the situation as best as I can to my kids so they see things for what they are. Our situation isn’t money for food but money for gas. When the kids have things on the weekends, she will claim she doesn’t have the gas to take them to their activities. When I get them back and ask them if they went and they say no and why, I explain to them how much gas is and how far she needed to drive them. Usually under one tank of gas at $4. Then I ask what they did over the weekend. Ate out here and there. I explain to them how much it costs to eat at these places. Then I have a talk about choices. I don’t tell them their mom chooses not to do anything for them but rather give them all the facts and let them decide. I do this with my daughter, who is 10. My son is 8 but none of it bothers him any so I just leave it alone with him.

  5. Damn. You hit both my states in your response – I was born in Georgia and live in North Carolina. Does that make me one fucked up hill billy? I can honestly say I’ve never done ANY kind of dancing with my brother.

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