Therapy Thursday

Dear TT: How do you tell someone nicely that they are being a whiny ass? I really couldn’t give a shit if this person remains in my life, but because of mutual friends, that they are family with, I feel like I need to keep the peace. However, for this to happen, I would like to address the fact that they are a huge douchecanoe, and hopefully help them become tolerable.
Not perfect – But close!

Dear Not Perfect: I would just let them have it. They really do need to know. It’s better if you can push them down on the ground first, just for intimidation sake. You then stand over them and kick them while you yell completely insane shit that no one else can understand. It can’t make any sense at all, kind of like religion, and then when you feel redeemed and that they have taken enough abuse, you pretend to snap out of it and come to your senses. You say that the Lord just came into your heart,and told you to quit hurting that person. You then reach down to help them up and whisper to them “If you ever whine again, I will cut your fucking heart out and eat it.”

As long as no one else heard it, you’re good. They will all think you just had a demon in you, and that it passed on when God chased it out of you. If they are Republicans or Conservatives, that is.

There you go. Problem is now solved.

Steve walks warily down the street, with the brim pulled way down low,


Dear Not Perfect: You will go to jail, just like Smarty, if you follow his advice. Please be aware that he is incarcerated right now, and we were able to get him to write this, as long as we give a small fee to a trust fund for all of the people that have been affected by him.

I guess it depends on the person, and how much you are willing to mince words for me to give you advice on what to do. I’m an annoying prick myself, but with me it’s mostly yapping too much. I’ve had friends finally snap and tell me that they can’t stand my incessant chattering, and ask if could I please not talk so much. Ouch!

At first I used to get upset and defensive, but as I grew up, I realized that some people just don’t click. I talk a lot sometimes. That’s what I do. You don’t like it, then don’t hang around with me. The thing is that now I just shrug and say “I guess we won’t be bunking together at summer camp.”, or something to that effect. My lady can attest to the fact that I’m not changing, especially if somebody is telling me to.

OMG, I didn’t know that I was so whiny and negative. I guess there is no reason to go on living.

If you can’t get by it, then what I suggest is that you tell this person how you feel, but make sure you do it diplomatically. Explain that you feel like an asshole for saying it, but that it is very important to you that you are honest. Tell them you understand that it’s just the way they are, and that you don’t expect them to change, but you just needed them to know that it was driving you fucking crazy. It’s not anybody’s fault, it’s just that your personalities clash. There is a good chance that they will lash out and attack some of your weaknesses (however slight), but in the end, you got to get that off of your chest, and although you probably hurt the poor thing’s feelings, you can sleep knowing you let them know how whiny they were.

Now, if you were to just try to keep a buffer in between you two on the occasions that you had to be in contact, and you didn’t ever tell this whiny asshole any of the stuff that you want to. How do you think it would end? Probably with nobody getting their feelings hurt, your friend won’t have to choose sides between blood and water, and you can feel good about yourself for doing the right thing. Spend time with your friends when this idiot isn’t around. If your friends want you to do something as a group, explain that you aren’t a huge fan, and rather than end up saying something to them that would make them feel bad, you would rather not end up being mean. They will understand, or they won’t. Either way, you get to say your peace, and the idiot goes to bed thinking that their life is great because everyone loves them.

It won’t mean you’re weak if you turn the other cheek, I hope you’re old enough to understand,


Dear Smarty,

So my internet was down on the weekend. I called my provider and set up an appointment. Or so I thought. When the appointment was not kept, I called back and got some fucking nob wad on the other end of the phone. He told me that techs can sometimes not call customers before arriving, because what happens if his phone gets run over? I asked to speak to the supervisor and was told he was in a meeting and could not be pulled out. And that I MIGHT get a call back to discuss my issues.

Now, I spent almost 20 years in customer service and dealt with customers who had way worse attitudes then mine. But this guy was just an ASS!!

How do you deal with someone like that jackass over the phone? Do I send an email? Do I phone back? Do I switch providers? Do I track him down and punch him in the ovaries?

Let me know.

Missing the interwebs


Dear I Can’t Think For Myself:

I remember when I was a transient worker out in western Canada, and I had robbed a drunkwon a poker game against a pipeliner to the tune of $16234. I immediately rented an town house with a couple of guys in what they called “Ghost Town”. I called to have Shaw cable come to the house, and was told that they would be there on Monday, between nine and five, but probably in the afternoon. I said that I would wait around, so I took the day off from collecting cans. What did it matter anyhow, I was rich, right?

Well, he never showed up, so I called in, and they said he would for sure be there first thing in the morning. One of my new room mates asked me what I was waiting for, and I said it was the cable. They said that cable was included, and that I would need to buy a TV if I wanted to watch anything. Huh. I thought you just got the TV from the cable guy.

Now I’m a pretty resourceful guy, and I know people who can “find” things, so in half an hour, there was a new TV at the pad. There were fresh blood splatters all over the top of it, and Reno said that they were there when he “found” it, so I have no way to know who’s it is.

Hey, those guys were right. I don’t need the Shaw guy to come here at all. I was going to call and let them know, but we started doing Glade Blasts, and then I blacked out. When I woke up in the morning, I was on the front lawn. I was completely naked, and there was a turd halfway out of my ass. The odd thing was that it was a dried, white dog turd, and it seems that someone had been trying to force it in. It, of course, was mostly crumbled, but I guess there was a bit of a solid core left. The other weird thing was that the Shaw guy was walking towards me, but didn’t notice me because he was staring at his clipboard.

The poor fucker didn’t have a chance. I did a foot sweep on him, and as he fell, I shoved some of the crumbled shit into his face. I tried to talk, but there was some sort of foam in my mouth, so it just came out like a roar. I smashed his nuts with his clipboard, and then he tried to get his phone out. I grabbed the phone and threw it, because I didn’t need the cops at my new pad already. When I looked back, he had already started running, and made it to his truck before I could grab him. He then backed over his phone, and sped off, spinning gravel all over my BMX bike.

How I was afraid it would end.

The cops did end up coming by, but I just hid and told the other guys to lie and say that it was just them that lived there. As an old friend would say, “This isn’t my first rodeo”.

Everybody was kung-fu fighting, those cats were fast as lightning,


P.S. Wait, what was the question again?

6 thoughts on “Therapy Thursday

  1. You were no fucking help at all you nobwad!! It was YOUR fault the tech couldn’t call me to get my internet up and running so I can cruise porn again.


  2. You then stand over them and kick them while you yell completely insane shit that no one else can understand. It can’t make any sense at all, kind of like religion.

    Yes, my favorite is Ezekiel 23:20:

    “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.”

    Damn, Ezekiel… You freaky!

  3. You are like fucking Yoda in your wise ways of the world.

    Also, “As long as no one else heard it, you’re good.” is pretty much the mantra to most crazy bitches, and since it works really well for them, I’d say that’s fairly solid life advice.

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