Therapy Thursday

Well, we have a busy one today, so let’s try to get through it in a timely fashion. I was hit with three problems this afternoon, and as much as I love doing this, it would be nice to get them a little earlier. Anyhow, beggars can’t be choosers, so here we go.


Dear Therapy Thursday: This is about my boyfriend and I. We’ve been dating for almost 3 months now. I was just wondering, is there a rule as to how long a couple should wait to introduce each others kids? We are both seemingly in love, and I’m ready, but he seems to be holding back…not sure if this is something you would write about but there you go.

Anxiously Pacing

This is a tricky one, and I am likely going to ruffle a few feathers here.  I realize that people want to settle down and start integrating the new family as soon as possible, but I urge you to hold on for a bit longer.  Introducing your kids to new partners too early can run the risk of introducing them to a string of potential suitors who never actually make it into the qualifying round of the Commitment Game.  Yeah, I’m going there.  Are you going to marry this guy?  Would you want to?  If the answer is ‘no’ or ‘I’m not sure’, then it is too early to be introducing anyone as more than a friend to your kids.
You might be asking yourself, “Why do I need to be asking such serious questions so soon in the relationship?”    Well, the truth is, why are you willing to subject your kids to people who YOU aren’t even sure of yet?   I don’t think you can know enough about a potential mate in 3 months to satisfy YOUR requirements of worthiness, let alone answer the question of whether or not they are worthy of meeting the most precious gifts in your life.  Our children depend on us to screen all potential people for them.  Why rush things?
I think your mate is letting you know that he is not comfortable with you meeting his kids just yet, and ultimately, it’s because he is not yet sure that you are the right person for him.  Don’t be angry, or offended, because he is showing you that he cares more about his children than he does about himself right now.  Three months is hardly enough time to have made a fully informed decision about where your relationship is heading in the future, and I believe it’s a better decision to wait until you are sure this is going somewhere permanent.  Your children (and you!) deserve that much.


Slow down, baby, now you’re moving way too fast,


Mrs. Birdman


Dear Anxious:

Relax there, Skippy. What’s the fucking rush? Is your biological clock winding up again?

I met Mrs. B’s kids as a friend, several times before we told them that I was moving in. That way, if I turned out to be Douchebagger Vance, she wouldn’t have to explain shit to them, like why their mom is a dating machine. (She wasn’t, but could have been if I hadn’t Rico Suaveed the shit out of her.)

I really cannot count the amount of times that I sat in my truck below her apartment and waited for those kids to fall asleep. At first I thought that she was embarrassed for her kids to meet me, but after a while, I realized that she was being honest with me, and just didn’t want her kids to see a stable of men passing through their lives while she searched for the love of her life. (hint – That’s me!)

Not exactly, but more real than all of the sexy hunks that I had to pick through

I remember telling my mom about it, and I was alluding to the fact that I thought it was crazy, when she said that she was a smart girl, and that her daughters didn’t need a woman who may turn into a serial dater as their role model. Yeah, he’s sweet to you now, and my personal limitations are three months before you know if you love someone, but it’s different when you have kids. Why do you need your kids to meet him any how? Then they’ll expect to do shit as a family, and you guys need to get in as much couple time as possible.

Well, it wasn’t too long till the lust all died, and I’ll admit I wasn’t too surprised, the day I came home and found my suitcase sittin’ out on the porch,



Dear Smarty: My neighbor is a drunk piece of dogshit know-it-all. He is always in my face with his god damn beer breath, and is constantly making veiled inferences like, I’m lying about something, I’m stupid, or my friends are idiots. The problem is that he never comes out and says it. He just says shit like, “I may be old, but I’m not dumb.” or “I wasn’t born yesterday.” I wish he would just come out and say it, so that I’ll feel less bad about curb-stomping his last 5 teeth out. Fuck me, I get so worked up over this shit. What can I do?

Goin’ batty

Punch that cunt in the throat.

Now someone pass that hookah.



Dear Birdman,

A good friend asked me to take her dog to the kennel for her, because he was too big for her new car. I forgot, and now I feel like a sack of rat turds. She ended up walking her dog and a stroller full of kids the 6 miles to the kennel herself. How do I stop from feeling like the worst friend in the world?

Worst Friend In The World

Dear Worst:

You are the worst friend in a radius of at least thirty miles from where you live. Don’t forget it. I would like to drag you behind my car for what you’ve done. How do you even look in the mirror?


Dear Untrustworthy: You are as worthless as a can of piss. If I could bend my legs I would dropkick you in the throat. I should make you swallow my butt plug.


8 thoughts on “Therapy Thursday

  1. I’m a big fan of the throat punch. Almost as good as the cunt punt. You’d better believe that someone who gets a cunt punt won’t make the same mistake twice.

    Also, since you’re on our “unofficial” e-mail list for Kickstarter, just to let you know everything turned out well, which mean prizes will be handed out, so you’ll be getting the book (with your name in the acknowledgments… like a boss), and we’ll contact you some time soon about appearing on the blog. An adventure with Smarty sounds pretty damn fun to me, don’t you think?

  2. I do think. I think that him and One-Leg Craig are two peas in a pod, except that Smarty can’t afford real drugs like heroin and all that fancy shit. I can’t wait for the book to arrive. Woo hoo.

  3. Well look at that, you two agree on advice. 😉 I do too actually. I wouldn’t have any motherfucker come around my kids until I knew for certain I’d be keeping him around for a while and I saw future potential there. And even then, it would be as you said, introducing him as a friend. It’s not just about my kids seeing me as a whore (ha!) but my little one who is seven gets attached quickly. Why put him through that?

  4. Throat punching? Cunt punching? Really?
    What do you tell the kids when you wanna have a 5 on 1 gang bang in the middle of the day, high on oxycotins, while the kids are watching tv? Do you tell them mommy’s REALLY popular and just wants to express her feelings openly, through all 3 orifices?
    Come on, bring the boys half your age into your life early – the kids are going to be fucked up in the big scheme of things anyway!
    Hey Smarty – smarten the fuck up!

    • I believe the term was “cunt punting”, not punching, and the only reason you’re bringing up a 5 on 1, is because that’s what you learned in the college hockey locker room. It must have been painful when it was your turn to be the lady.

  5. Great advice Birdman and the Mrs! Kids come first! Always!

    Smarty, what can I say? You are douchebag. But that is why we hate you so special. Keep up the good work.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *