Therapy Thursday

Therapy Thursday People,

I have a problem, as most of us do, and my problem I need help with from You, Smarty and the Mrs, is this. Why can’t people keep their mouths shut about private matters when it is disclosed to them in the friendship confidentiality code? I’m not talking about whispering a few things to your significant other, keeping them in the loop about certain things that happen in a healthy friend loop. I’m talking about when you tell a friend, in confidence, an embarrassing thing that is going on in your life, and they just tell anyone that will listen. I just don’t get it and I’m almost to the point where I don’t need people like that as friends anymore! Please help me understand why these fuckers do this, because it’s accumulating into HUGE snowballs of grief and heartache for me! It’s hard when you can’t trust your friends.

Companion Catharsis

Dear Companion,

I feel your pain. We have all been the subject of unwelcome scrutiny in our public (or private) lives, and no one likes to feel the tractor beam of interest fall on them when it’s a matter we’d rather leave private.

It seems like your friend has misunderstood the code, and felt what you shared wasn’t necessarily in strictest of confidence. If discretion isn’t your friends strong suit in general, then you might want to re-consider laying any of your largest concerns in this persons lap. Some people are not wired for discretion, and those are the people that are best kept at arms length if you are a shady mofo, or if you occasionally have problems that are not for public consumption.

Of graver concern is the possibility that this person is indeed trying to bolster their personal stock in the group by sharing information that is not his or hers to share. Some things go in the vault. That’s just the way it is. My vault has shit that has been stored there for decades, and no one, and I mean NO ONE is getting in. I feel if a friend trusts you with their most intimate thoughts, you are bound by friendship and loyalty to respect that trust, and to be honored that your friend confided in you. However, before any potential ‘vault’ discussion, my best friends and I have always been very clear about what is ‘in the vault’. If you cheated on your final exams, or bumped another car in the parking lot, those are small misdemeanors, and probably okay if they are shared in a group situation. If we are talking huge, catastrophic cross roads in life, these are the ‘vault’ situations, and a strict no-loose-lips policy is in effect.

I think you need to be perfectly honest with your friend. What he or she did was not okay, and you are hurt (and angry!) by the complete disregard for your privacy. This was a huge violation of trust, and you are definitely owed an explanation. If the friend was not aware it was intended as a confidential discussion, and is at least somewhat apologetic, I think there is definitely room for another chance. However, I might be cautious with what i share with this person in the future, until you are confident that this was a one-time lapse in judgement. You also might want to do a little reconnaisance on your friend, and see if you can’t shake up his tree just as he’s done to yours.

I kid. Two wrongs don’t make a right? Have you learned nothing?!? Let it go, forgive, but keep this in mind the next time there is juicy news afoot.

Mrs. Birdman

Dear I Can’t Think For Myself:

Does no one have a diabolical mind anymore? Jesus.

Seduce their spouse.

If it’s a dude, play to his manliness, seduce him, and then fuck him on camera. Don’t worry, dudes love being filmed getting laid. It’s just a fact of life. Even just get a shot of him getting a BJ. I guess I should have asked whether you are a guy or a girl, but it doesn’t really matter. It’s way better if you are a guy, but you may need to get yourself some Ambien, (or Ketamine, if you have any shady veterinarian friends) if he’s not into that. If you have to go that route, you’ll probably have to position yourself like he’s giving you one to make it plausible. Drop him off at his doorstep with his disheveled pile of clothes beside him.

I don’t think a girl invented this.

If it’s a girl, go for a money shot or a dirty Sanchez. There’s just something degrading about that, and that’s what we’re going for here. If you’re a chick, then you’re going to need a Fist Of Adonis or other atrocity. I don’t think that there is a woman alive that hasn’t rubbed one out to 50 Shades yet, so grab yourself a necktie, and dangle it in front of her. I believe this is what they call “putty in your hands”. As fun as this is, you are here for a greater purpose, so make sure that the camera is rolling.

Now you’ll want to do some creative editing, because you don’t want your face in the frames, and you want them to look as depraved as possible. Once you get it to where you’re proud, or at least hidden, take a bunch of copies of it on flash drives to another town that’s close by, and leave it in internet cafes, the library, and/or the high school. I’d also recommend that you send copies to me, so I can make sure that you did a good job. I’m usually at the Sally Ann soup kitchen during the week from 11:30 AM until around 2, so come on down. Thursdays are chowder, so plan accordingly.

Let the rumour mill start grinding, motherfuckers. How do you like it? Probably won’t be airing dirty laundry again, will you?

This is a good job for me, and I love the fact that I get paid in coupons,


7 thoughts on “Therapy Thursday

  1. That’s the same exact complaint my mother-in-law had when I went around telling everyone how all of a sudden, at the age of 65, she grew testicles. (Name, address, and phone number upon request)

  2. Oh Mrs. B. How you capture my heart with your delicate words, your nuanced wit and your use of nerdy sci-fi terms like “tractor beam”. My pastor recently had a sermon that basically boiled down to your point. Except his took 50 minutes to get to, yours took about 50 seconds to read — forgive … but do not forget. And make changes to the relationship accordingly.

    Does Smarty have a blog?

    • Hey! Stay away from my old lady. Unless you’re rich. In which case it’ll cost ya a sawbuck for a grope. Smarty doesn’t have a blog, but he does have Facebook. He’ll add you.

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