Dear Birdman: I know you said to get something in before 5 and it’s now…midnight. But if you didn’t get any submissions, I was gonna give you one. If you did, then save it for a rainy day. And btw, I haven’t read all those posts yet so forgive me if you’ve already done one similar.
Here’s the deal:
My daughter, age 17, wants to go over to her boyfriend’s house this weekend. Not the whole weekend, just maybe Saturday or something. Her boyfriend is 20 but in many ways acts like he’s 14, albeit a very horny 14 year old. (You are going to condense this in your own words, right? Because I’m not doing my best work here.) Anyway, my daughter is sort of behind for her age (I suspect she’s high-functioning autistic) and doesn’t really go places and do things with a bunch of friends like I did at her age. She’s no longer a virgin (she lost this under her Daddy’s supervision. That didn’t sound exactly right but you know what I mean), I know this and was a little disappointed but not surprised. I was doing the mattress mambo at 16.
I’ve allowed her boyfriend to come over to the house a few times he seems harmless enough. Meaning, he’s no axe-murderer but he’s definitely not someone I’m happy about her being with. He’s working at a factory, not in college, lives with his Grandma and Uncle (whom I’ve never met) and spends his disposable income on video games and katanas.
I know I can’t keep her locked up forever but I’m having a hard time saying yes to her request because I feel it’s pretty much like serving up her vagina on a silver platter garnished with all that green shit.
you do keep these anonymous, right?
She’s also on birth control.
Looks like Mrs. Birdman has taken her sleep meds again (valium), and won’t be joining us. That’s great for me, but probably not so good for you. Now you won’t get to see her side of this, but I get to be the voice of reason again. (That doesn’t happen very often.) So without further ado, I bring you Smarty Pantaloons as the devil on the right shoulder, and me as the angel on the left…
Dear Scared Of Publicity: I don’t know why you would even imagine that someone else has this kind of problem, so the answer is… “No, no one has submitted anything like this to us before.” There, now that I have alienated you, I will tell you that there are probably a lot of people with this type of dilemma, but most are not brave enough to admit it. Thank you for trusting us to not give out your name, and thank you for trusting us with your mental health.
While I’m no expert on these types of things, and I don’t know the people in question, I’m going to assume this “boy” is not running with the rest of the pack, and while he may have little in the way of ambition and money savvy, he loves your daughter, and would never let anything harm her. This may not be the case, but it’s what I will base my advice on.
I think that you should let them do what they are going to do. It’s good that she is on birth control, because you can’t leave that decision up to a boy. They are smelly, and forgetful, and they oftentimes don’t care about anything more than getting their wick dipped. This is more for young people, but will follow many of them through several bad choices into their sixties.
You have to, as her mother, keep trying to put things on the right track, but for the most part, they will do what they want to. You might as well have them doing it in front of you, rather than hiding it. That way you can deal with the unfortunate instances that will come up, but before it gets out of hand. Communication is key in the dealings with your children. If they know you don’t approve of something, they aren’t going to tell you about it, but if they know that you will help them through something without judging and chastising them; you will be a part of their decision making process, instead of the person they avoid like the plague.
In closing, your daughter is going to make mistakes, as you did. This will be done with or without your knowledge, depending on how you handle it. You don’t have to like the boy, but you do have to stick by her while she figures out if she does. Be honest, and if she is going to stick it out with this fellow, you will have to help him along as well. While being a factory worker seems like not a great gig to you, it has served millions of people well, and some people like knowing what they are doing every day. Day after day after day. Relentlessly. You never know, he could be the next big katana dealer for the entire USA. Until that day, just keep trying.
Her daddy says, he ain’t worth a lick, when it came to brains, he got the short end of the stick,
Smarty Pantaloon’s turn
First of all, what is the green shit that you speak of, Gonorrhea? Why would you want her to spread that shit around? That’s just fucked up.
Second of all, I’d act like a fourteen year old if I was allowed to bang an autistic seventeen year old too. Does it make me a pervert? You’re God damned right it does. Because of that and a few other little idiosyncrasies, I’m not allowed near thirteen high schools in seven states and two provinces.
That is how I’ve come to be so wise in the ways of what is acceptable and what is not, when it comes to dating high school chicks. Before I start, I want to say something about when I was young. I wish all girls were giving it up to the slow, older guys when I was twenty. I had to get by on hand jobs from a single mom down the hall from me. Cost me a fin and a can of Alphagetti, every time I went down there, so it was more like $5.99. I was only making $4.80 an hour at the time, so I was blowing more than an hours pay in less than five minutes. It was worth it though. There’s something about the look of defeat and desperation in a girls face that leaves you with a satisfied feeling when you’re done.
Now enough about me, you want to know about your daughter. I say that you should let her have all the sex she wants, but explain to her that she should be banging higher class guys. That’s where the good stuff is. They are cleaner, and they will buy her fancy baubles for presents. What the fuck happens when she breaks up with this loser? Is he going to give her half of his sword collection? No way. He is probably going to slice her and run his ass to another state. Those sword freaks hate to part with their prizes.
You need to tell her to get while the getting’s good, and bone up on who’s a bit slower than the others, but has a bit of coin in their pocketses.
Now I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke niggas,