Jun 09

My Very First Anniversary – A Year In Review

This is a loving post to my darling wife. If you ain’t into that; take a hike. If you are; read on.

Today is our anniversary, and I was lucky enough to get Breasts McGee Photography to take some photos of me with the different ranges of emotion that I have felt since we were wed on that glorious June night, one year ago today.

First off, I will show you how I’ve generally felt with you by my side.

I think I got my mother's eyes.

I think I got my mother’s eyes.

Except for when I was depressed. I felt like that on the inside, but probably looked like this.

I'm guessing at this. I don't think I looked in a mirror for ten months.

I’m guessing at this. I don’t think I looked in a mirror for ten months.

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May 23

Therapy Thursday

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Dear therapy thursday: I need help with my non-understanding wife, I am a stay at home dad with 2 wonderful children who are 7 and 13. I work very hard every day for my family. I volunteer at both of my kids schools and take great pride in the work that I do at the schools and at the house. Well at the end of the day I am tired, she thinks I sit around watching Soap Operas all day and should be well rested when she gets in at 5:30. She expects dinner on the table and for me to make sure the kids are behaving, I think by the time she gets home it is her turn to look after the kids and let me rest. What do you think?

Wore out in ft nelson

SmartyTalks

Hey Paco,

Jesus, man, get ahold of yourself and let’s think about this. We need to look at it from all sides. Did you tell the guy that you wanted heroin or black tar heroin?I ask, because there is a huge difference. Don’t pay nearly as much for that tar shit. Wait up, where the fuck am I? Oh shit, wrong WWW. thing, but still good advice if anyone needs it.

Dear Wore out:

That wife of yours sounds like a Betty Buzzkill. I’d be volunteering every day too. I volunteer at several local high schools around here, but I’m not allowed on the actual property. It’s cool though, because the girls I’m looking for usually cross the street for a smoke whenever they get a chance. It’s never too early to recruit.

As for your wife, I would start drinking and being belligerent as soon as she gets home. That way, when you go for a nap, she will be glad for you to go. On the other hand, you could get a job if you wanted one. I’ve spent some time in Fort Nelly, and you could get hired on by pretty well anyone there. Even if you were a one-armed crackhead, you could easily make a decent living.

Glad I could help,

Smarty

birdmandesk

Dear Wore out:

This is a tough one for me, because I’m lazy and get depressed. I was off work for a year, and was not a model husband at all. I didn’t really do much around the house, and I sure didn’t do any volunteering at the school.

Well there was that one time, but I forgot about it and thoroughly disappointed our oldest.

Anyhow, I think that cohabitation means a lot of give and take, and you probably aren’t putting in full days at the schools, even if you did go every day. I’m not saying you should cook dinner every night, but you should be sharing in the responsibility for sure.

Another thing I would recommend is getting as much sun on your skin as you can, and doing a bit of exercise. Even if it’s just going for a walk with the kids/dog/lady from the A&W. You might not feel like it, but you could have a bit of depression too. I’m not saying you do, but you might, and it’s best to nip it in the bud. Don’t be like me and sit at a computer feeling sorry for yourself all day. It will suck the fucking joy out through your eyes.

I’m sorry that I don’t have anything better, but if you two just share the responsibilities fairly, things should work themselves out fine.

I went to a shrink, to analyze my dreams, she says it’s lack of sex that’s bringing me down,

Birdman

 

Dear Therapy Thursday

My boyfriend wants to get me pregnant, but I’m only 22 and not ready for a baby. We’ve only been dating for 5 weeks. He is talking about getting married and I’m okay with that part of it but not pushing a baby out of my coocoo.

Am I being unreasonable? I think I really love him and he calls me every day.

Janine

mindofbirdman

Dear Janine:

Don’t be such a silly Billy. Back in the old days, 22 year old girls would have had four of their seven kids, a herniated disc, and something that looked like a goiter, but smelled like fermented beans. It’s the way it was meant to be.

Now I’m not saying you should have seven kids, but you spread those legs and give that boy at least three. He deserves it. He’s waited patiently for the last five weeks to slip you the unprotected bone, and you dare even question whether or not you should do it?

Hurry up and marry that dude. Have his kids, and have them fast. Who knows how soon he’ll be gone? He could be banging your sister by Saturday, and have forgotten all about you. You need to trap him, and trap him good.

If you even paid attention to what I wrote, you need help. You also need to punch yourself repeatedly in the ovaries so that you never breed.

Idiot.

Let me tell you all a story about a Harper Valley widowed wife,

Birdman

 

Apr 24

Intense Paranoia

mindofbirdman

About a week ago I got the flu and it kicked the shit right out of me. I had fevers, cold sweats, aching joints and muscles, and violent coughing fits. It really was dragging me through the mud. I went to the hospital, because my mom told me that I had better get checked out before it turned into pneumonia, and they told me that there was definitely something in my chest, but the airways were open and that I should come back if I get shortness of breath or other complications.

Well, I got the shortness of breath a few days later, and the other complications were a bit more severe than I would have liked, but they weren’t deadly, so that’s good, right? It’s really hard to describe the feeling of despair I had when I was at my worst. It was like I couldn’t control my own thoughts, and every time someone suggested something that either wasn’t true, or wasn’t even possible, my mind started turning it over and trying to figure out ways it could be happening.

For example, I have some Republican friends that are always sharing things to do with conspiracy theories. It’s almost as if it consumes them. I always have a look into them, but come up with my own conclusions, because although I see the possibilities, I just don’t see the probability in them.

Except when I was sick. Then I not only entertained the fact, I sat there with my teeth clenched, waiting for the CIA to take my friends away and shut them up for good. You have no idea how hard it was to not start crying about the inevitable loss of my friends, and the knowing that I did nothing to save them. This feeling was compounded every time I coughed, which was pretty constant throughout the day and night. I don’t know if it had something to do with the feeling of my chest being constricted, or if it was some neurological side effect of my asthma, but either way, it was all I could do to keep from calling them and yelling out, “I KNOW YOU ARE RIGHT! YOU NEED TO HIDE, BECAUSE THEY CAN’T LEAVE LOOSE ENDS LIKE YOU LAYING AROUND. WE WILL FIND YOU A SAFE PLACE HERE IN CANADA. DON’T TELL YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS.”

EvilObama

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Feb 14

Who’s The Lucky Boy?

mindofbirdman

I have, for the most part, been with women that have great senses of humour. Generally speaking, they are the only ones who know how to take me. You see, I am a bit of a smart-ass and I don’t usually care what people think, so that sometimes makes for unpredictable dinner conversations. If you are stuffy and are worried about what your date will say, in front of people, I’m probably not your guy. I’ve been with a few ladies that thought they could clean me up and change me into some sort of man that suited their lives, but they couldn’t. I told them that from the start, they just didn’t believe me.

“Why did you have to make that joke about my parents having sex… right to them?”

“I’m betting they still have sex. Look at the way he looks at her. He’s totally diggin’ that ass. When did you become such a prude, anyhow?”

“Ugh, when are you going to quit saying shit like that?”

“I’m not. Why would you think I would stop it? I told you, I’m not going to change.”

And I’m not going to change. Not like that, anyways.

There was a quote by Albert Einstein that goes like this:

You're spot on, Al... Kinda.

You’re spot on, Al… Kinda.

That is true in a sense, except for the disappointed part. Continue reading

Nov 22

Therapy Thursday

Dear TT
I left my ex husband two years after being together for 10 years, and married for 5. There are lots of reasons as to why things fell apart. We both worked a lot, never spent any time together as a couple, it was always about the kids. I didn’t work near as much as he did, so it was every day that i would be the one to grab the kids, come home, cook dinner, do laundry, and yada yada whatever else needed to be done. I wouldn’t have changed anything for the world, but it was the lack of gratitude on his end that left me very self-conscious, depressed and discouraged. Not to mention exhausted, and in need of “companionship.” I understand there are two sides to every story, but after 2 years of living in a sexless marriage, I had enough. I needed out, so I left. Continue reading