So, That’s How It Is?

I have had a shit day. I don’t even feel like writing.

Actually that’s not true, but what I feel like writing about is forbidden right now. Only because I’m so fucking enraged about it, that I don’t want to piss too many people off by speaking my mind, so I will try my hardest to throw some fluff at you, pretend that everything is just tickety-boo, and that I don’t want to choke a bitch.

I don’t know if you noticed, but I did a guest post yesterday. I would have liked a better turnout, but meh, I guess it was too much extra clicking and shit. For the folks that did check out my first-ever guest post on a Semi-Charmed Life, thanks. For those that didn’t, but want to, it’s at Even if you don’t feel like reading mine, you should really check out her other assorted writings. She’s awesome, funny, and swears like I do.

Jesus Christ, I’m only at 140 words. I guess I could have spelled out one hundred and forty to make it last longer. Oh good, that brought me up to one hundred and sixty one. I could do a post up, just on how many words I’m writing, as I’m writing them. Pretty cool concept, huh? You’re damn skippy it is. There you go, that just put us over two hundred.

I suppose I could tell you all about when Gadget, Penny, Mrs. B, and I assaulted an “adult store”, in Belleville on the weekend. Oh the admiration that was had. We went in there looking for a merkin. Yes, you should click on that link. Even if you know what one is. There is tons of full frontal nudity in there.

Anyhow, we divided and conquered with Gadget and I gigglingmarveling over the “Twenty Pounds Of Pussy And Ass”, and the “Fist Of Adonis”. I wonder who some of these things are for. There are hollowed out strap-ons for guys, and beginner strap-ons for guys, which are much smaller, like index finger small. Took me a few minutes to figure that one out, because I was trying to understand how you would get it inside that tiny thing. After I realized it was for going inside of a dude, I wondered why girls don’t get beginner sized ones? They just say “beginner sized for men”. What, ladies don’t get to ease themselves into anal? I guess the adult toy world figures their asses are much more elastic, with very few nerves, so they can just automatically take an inch in diameter. Seems a little one sided to me.

I picture a guy and girl in the store. She sees this and suggests to her partner that maybe they could use it, because it’s smaller and would maybe feel better by starting small, and working their way up.

“But Honey, it’s for guys. It says so right on the package. Why would I use that on you, when I have a perfectly good, real one that’s free? Sometimes you make no sense, baby”

“I just thought it would be less painful, and get me used to it, rather than tearing the tissue by trying to jam your massive love snake in there like a blind guy threading a needle.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty huge, but that’s okay, I’ll just use extra spit on it. You’ll be fine. Can you grab that Fleshlight from the shelf there? Thanks.”

This was, of course, a fake conversation, and I would hope that guys are really not that ignorant to the needs of their ladies. I know that some are, and much worse, but those guys are fucking losers, and should not represent the majority of men. I like to think that most men, as I do, have a deep respect for women. Not only their sexuality, but their spirit, heart, and mind as well. My lady is the epitome of perfection in a mate, and I would never take her for granted.

I’m totally losing my train of thought here, and should get going, even though I’m not going to make my quota of words. I need sleep, and I have a bunch of things to do in town. Scotty P, if you want to grab a coffee, today is a good day for me. Message me on FB, or call me if you’re up for it. I want to hear about your trip to the Peg, and any other fun thing that’s happening. If anyone else wants to meet up for a bit, get a hold of me. Alright, I’m outta here.

Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one another, right now,


P.S. We never did find a merkin.

21 thoughts on “So, That’s How It Is?

  1. Two guys should never go into an adult toy store. We have a tendency to revert back to grade nine mentality and nothing rational ensues. Ya, I know, for some of us the grade nine mentality never went away or is far to eager to come out and play if “supressed”.

    I’m sad that you’re sad/mad/miffed/pissed, Birdie. We have to have shit days otherwise we wouldn’t know when a real good one comes along. There would be nothing to compare it too. I know, fuck off, right?

    I’ll message you later about that coffee. Thanks for the edification. I now know what a merkin is. Cool. I’m even more curious as to why you and Gadget were looking for one.

    Later Dude,

    Scotty P

  2. Woohoo…told you I was clueless, just figured out how to follow your blog on Google. When I get time, I will pick your brain for assistance. You will feel very very smart!

  3. ok you lost me, I’m still at choke that bitch and can’t figure out why. Allthough I did enjoy the rest of your story.

    • It’s an expression from the Chappelle Show. “Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?” No particular bitch, just to keep his hoes in line I guess.

  4. I read the guest blog you wrote. It was awesome! Brought back many un fond memories. And smells. Not sure why I remembered the smell of that place.

    And men are not the only ones who revert to grade nine when in a sex store. I can’t stop blushing and giggling as well. No wonder no one wants to go sex toy shopping with me.

    • Hey Dustin, I would go sex toy shopping with ANYONE! we will have to fit that in (honestly, no pun intended!), while you are visiting!
      Ya Bridman, more cussing would have been WAY better!
      You Cunt!

    • So I went back to try and comment and couldn’t figure how. But I did read a couple of other posts. She is totally awesome!! I am now a follower. Thank you Birdman! For turning me on to another great blog!!

    • Thanks, Broseph. Yeah, she was a dirty hole of a place. Remember the mushroom that kept growing out of the floor?

  5. Second attempt at post. Fuck this if it doesn’t work.

    For chrisssakes man I can create you a Merkin if you want one that bad. In fact I showed yer missus mine a few weeks ago 😉
    If you want me to make one, I’d need a few details.. Such as male or female (donut or inverted triangle), executive model (salt and peppa), shagged, tidy– I could go on and on. Also.. What do you want it mounted on? A pair of underwear(yes new clean ones), or an elastic strap on jobby.. Either way I guess they’d have to be machine washable.. Or at least hand wash .. Oh, and just a quick note: keep away from open flames, I do not make them fire retardant… I don’t need a fucked up lawsuit.

    • I want to thank you for your offer. I’ll take a men’s, pink, and in the shape of Blue, or even just roughly dog shaped would be fine. I can get it fireproofed later, because that’s the one thing I need in a merkin. I think I’ll just use an epoxy adhesive, and stick it on that way. I can’t have any cloth or elastic, where I’m going.

      • Ok yes, hot pink would look sophisticated, provided you have matching socks.
        So if it’s a men’s, how big is the hole I should make. Just for reference sake give me an idea…. Pinky, garden hose, banana, or shall I venture to the sex shop and try it on that big fist. Throw me a bone here.
        As for the epoxy.. Well, I do have some other adhesives that may not break you out in a gross rash… I’ve found that the opposite sex seems to not want to be very intimate when there’s a raging outbreak on your ‘privates’ 😉 just a tip to keep in mind

        • You have a mind that is constantly in the gutter. I know, because mine is there too. You’ll have to ask Mrs. B about the sizing, but right now, I’ve got a natural one going. It’s sheer laziness though.

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