Put your dukes up


Hey kids, it’s time to disrupt the love-in to give you some real dirt.  The Birdman and I nearly came to blows today discussing our favorite topic – The upcoming nuptials.  We have very few arguments in our day-to-day life, but bring up the subject of the dreaded Guest List and just watch the feathers fly. (Get it?  Feathers?  Birds?  I knew y’all were right there with me.)

I am not sure why it always turns into a tense stand-off when the topic comes up, but I think I am starting to figure it out.  As it turns out, the guest list is capped at a certain number, and common sense (and occupancy restrictions) state that we are not to exceed said number, regardless of whether or not we would *like* to.

I find this whole situation rather stress-free, considering that my entire family will tally up to a grand total of 17, and that includes my children, and my neices and nephews, leaving me oodles of space to invite my dearest friends.  Unfortunately, Birdman comes from a long line of procreators, (possibly Mennonites) and his family total is somewhere in the hundreds.  I know you see the dilemma.  I am dancing all the way down the aisle in front of every relative I care to see again, and he’s biting what’s left of his fingernails waiting to see if some slighted uncle is going to show up with a shotgun to share his anguish at not making the cut.

I thought we wuz FRIENDS!!!

Birdman simply does not understand that we can’t invite everyone.  We can’t.  Even if we grew up next door to them, or they delivered our mail every day for 40 years, it’s not going to be enough of a reason to allow the list to balloon out beyond our means.  Yes, I realize that more people means more wedding swag, but honestly, we have all we ever needed, and I would like to be able to recognize most of the people who are watching me get hitched.

My beloved is afraid that anyone who doesn’t get the golden ticket will think it’s because we don’t love them, or even like them, and that we wish they would crawl into a hole and die.  This is simply NOT THE CASE.  When I do the wedding math with him, it goes something like this:

BIRDMAN: “But I HAVE to invite Jedediah.  We rode the bus together every day since kindergarten and he didn’t beat me up when I accidentally threw up on him after drinking a whole liter of eggnog one time.”

ME: “What is dear old Jedediah doing these days?”

B: “Not sure…I lost track of him somewhere after 11th grade”

ME: “Did he invite you to HIS wedding?”

B: “Well…no.  But I did get a second-hand invitation to his bachelor party…”

ME: “Exactly.”  (said in a snarky and final tone)

While we have many, many people that we come into contact with on a semi-regular basis, I believe most of them understand that they may not be invited, and will not feel overly slighted at this fact.  We are in our 40’s for Christs sake, and we have DOUBLE the amount of friends, relatives, exes, and other assorted life-baggage than we had in our 20’s, and yet the wedding venues STILL refuse to hold any more people than they did in our 20’s.

The other thing that I am counting on, is that people may not want to come.  I mean, let’s face it, weddings are not everyone’s cup of tea.  I myself love them, and attend 30-40 every year in my job.  However, I get that my excitement and anticipation will not be as contagious to everyone I know.  I fully support the ‘I love you, but I don’t want to attend your wedding’ policy.  I am giving everyone a free pass to bail on the wedding if it’s just not their bag.  No harm, no foul.  I would so much rather people be sitting in their own cozy living room, relaxed and doing their thing, than being dragged to a wedding when they would really rather just wait to catch the highlights on Facebook.

I wish I could go, guys, but the season finale of Glee is on...

So if you prefer to take the buy-out, we love gift cards at The Moonlight Bunny Ranch, bottles of Patrón, and anything from Jimmy’s Tackle and Cutbait.   (PS.  I’m kidding about a buy-out…we don’t need your stinkin’ gifts, if you are too good to attend our wedding!  Assholes. )

Another thing that isn’t going to make us very dear to people is our policy on children and plus-one’s.  There won’t be any.   I know, it’s not a popular decision, but the only children there will be mine, or nieces and nephews of ours, and any that happen to sneak in in-utero.  Also, guests without common-law or married partners will be coming alone.  I realize attending a social function without a random buddy to join you may suck ass, but like I mentioned above, we are on a tight guest-list, and there are actual relatives who won’t be able to attend, people who are single, will have to attend single.  (Cue the heckling and rotten vegetable tossing)

The good news is that we are about 70% through the first round of cuts, and it looks like we might be able to pull this whole shindig in on budget and without killing each other in the process.  To be honest, the entire wedding is really just a confirmation of what we already know, that we are meant to be together forever.  We are really just trying to inject a little green into the local economy while we treat our friends and family to an incredible, rockin’ party.  We will be celebrating with family and friends who are our chosen family.  There will be so much love in the room, perhaps no one will notice social faux-pas and thumbing of noses to etiquette.  One could hope… 😉

I wanna make you smile,
Whenever you’re sad.
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad.
All I wanna do,
Is grow old with you…


Mrs. Birdman







7 thoughts on “Put your dukes up

  1. Very well stated Mrs. Birdman
    I so do remember the same situation back when me and my soul mate were to be married….I just wanted a wine and cheese, but the groom got his way with having to dish out for a” feed the guests cause they have travelled or that is just the proper thing to do supper” needless to say we fed over 300 guests that seem to have come out of the woodwork and peeps were there that we didnt even know (hense the bring a date situation)
    So Birdman what it really comes down to is a gathering of friends and family to witness one of the most amazing things to happen in ones lifetime ( or the birth of one child) it really doesnt matter who is there to witness, cause let me tell you the only eyes you will have that moment of vows and love will be on each other and your children….
    I wish you luck in the clashing of the birds, but when it is all said and done, the people that will be there to witness the love you share for one another are trully there cause you picked them with your heart not becasue they rode the bus or delivered your paper……:)

  2. All I can say is that I’m starting my side of this argument now. Things won’t be so cut and dry by tomorrow. For the record, I wouldn’t fight her; I made that mistake once, and now I can only breathe from one lung.

  3. When Mrs. P and I hitched, we had very similar discussions regarding the guest list. My parents decided to split many years earlier, so that in ecesnce doubled my side of the list. What we came to agree upon was immediate family ONLY for the dinner. Mrs. P invited several of her closest friends to make up the difference of my bloated side. We ended up with fourty people for dinner and the dance was a free for all. I had serveral aunts and uncles that were miffed that they didn’t get the dinner invite and decided to hold a protest by boycotting the whole affair. Funny, those were the relatives I could’ve cared less about had they showed anyway. The relatives that I did care about all got together and bombarded a local restauraunt and had a grand ol time without us and then came to our dance. Everybody that did come to our wedding had a blast! So, my point being, you don’t have to feed every face and invite the folks that you would have over to your house for a party. If you haven’t seen someone or had a conversation with someone about more than just the weather in over ten years, they probably won’t be hurt to much if the don’t get the coveted invite to your nuptials.

    Birdman, stay focused. It’s your day. After it’s all said and done, it’s really not worth losing feathers over. Invite people because you want them there not because you think they should be there. Listen to the experience of your lovely fiance. Mrs. P was in 12 weddings before her own. Yep, that meant that the 13th was the lucky one and I’m writing this so I can say it was lucky. Regardless, she was bringing up the same points that are stated above. I finally relented as it was really the smart thing to do. After 22 years of wedded bliss, I cannot think of anyone that was at our wedding that we are not still in contact with and would not have over to our house for a getogether of some kind.

    Birdman, sometimes the only correct answer is “Yes, dear”. Save your other lung and listen with your ears and hear her words. There’s a message in there, buddy!

    Stand your ground, Mrs. B. He may just see the light evetually.

    Does this mean I can come to your wedding now?

    • (Just a warning, i said i would in my next reply!)

      Birdman, you fuckin cunt, I don’t care if i’m invited or not, i’m crashin it with sourpuss and whiskey shots in hand! I’m bringing my wife, 3 kids and as many homeless crackheads as i can find between Wicklow and the “intimate location”! So brace yourselves for a rocky night and hope you don’t have to put up too much of a security deposit! That night will be BAT SHIT CRAZY!

      I dare you NOT to invite me!

      • Luckily you were already invited, and I think you shouldn’t bring your children, if you planning on saying”cunt” a lot.

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