Old Tweeters From Smarty #2

  • Let’s do some math, equate a x 2 where a is equal to me poking your eye out. The answer is you are blind.
  • Ladies, if you’re having sex with me, there is no need to point out how small my organ is. I already know, I see it every day 🙁
  • Oh Taco Bell, it’s been so long. I hope you stay inside me until I get home. I hate dumping in a public toilet.
  • Don’t know what’s in Gold Bond, and I don’t care. Anything that can give such a sweet,soothing burn to my septic, rancid crotch is ok by me.
  • I think I’ve lost my ability to cry during sad movies. This is good because it will prevent people from rubbing my vagina in the theatre.
  • Sometimes I think I’d like to break into mainstream porn, then I remember Ron Jeremy cornered the fat, hairy guy market, and I have no dick.
  • If I ever end up going to prison, I’m going to watch tons of gay porn. When you’re as small as me, you need to be a specialist in something
  • If I ever have to survive in the wild, I hope there are pigs there. If I have to eat bits of my own shit, I’d like them bacon wrapped.
  • When I die, I hope it’s protecting a case of cheese cakes from a band of rowdy vagabonds.
  • When all is said and done, I will still be lubing up and enjoying my own company, mostly because women find me repulsive.
  • I really would fuck a rock pile if I thought there was a snake in it.
  • I would also fuck a snake if you would hold it for me.
  • Can a leper slip’n’slide on dry linoleum? If so, I don’t feel bad for them anymore. #lepersarecool
  • I was once forced to kiss the pope’s ring. By pope, I mean priest, and by ring I mean scrotum.
  • If I have a choice between shitting, and getting off the pot, I will choose shitting almost every time.
  • Sometimes, when I’m feeling blue, I like to pick myself up by piercing kittens ears and putting big gold hoops in. Very pretty
  • I think, out of all of the birds of prey that I’ve eaten, the condor was the most tender.
  • If I get my legs chopped off in an accident, I want to get one of those skateboard things that the homeless vets have. They’re fucking cool.
  • I think it should be law that Taco Bell have at least 2 ply toilet paper in their washrooms, and they should throw some in with each meal.
  • 7 days is too long to have a festering sore on ones rectum. I hope Uncle Ron gets in to see about that.
  • If I had to kill one of the 7 dwarves to make an example, I’d kill Happy. Now who’s gonna lift your spirits? Stupid dwarves.
  • If you had to have sex with someone from Barney Miller, who would it be? I’d pick Fish because it’s Sal Tessio for fuck sake, and he’s hot.
  • I’ve often wondered how much you need to drink to be cum drunk, and does it matter what kind of semen you drink?
  • It’s amazing how seamlessly you can introduce a goat into your morning sex, when you put your mind to it
  • As tasty as a wholegrain blueberry muffin is, they aren’t always a good choice when you have to drive all day. #notenoughtoilets
  • Always check for anal fissures before inserting segmented citrus fruits in your rectum
  • The good thing about dating the elderly is the accessibility of fibre and getting the proper amount of sleep.
  • I will gladly blow you Tuesday, for a cheeseburger today.
  • I hope someday, that my skin tags will fight each other in a turf war for the good parts of my body. Right now it’s just for the armpits.
  • I once leg wrestled Tatum O’Neal for a bag of weed and 3 condoms.
  • I think to truly appreciate your life, you need to live for a week with a rummy. Not me, some other rummy, I’m busy collecting cans.
  • You know it was a good fart when you drop an inch in your waist size.
  • To the man using the washroom after me at the Port Hope Tim Horton’s; I’m so fucking sorry dude. I ate chocolate for breakfast.
  • A fun game to play is – Guess what meat is in the coffee truck sandwich. My guess on the Italian meatball? Italian male 50-70 years old.
  • I think I’m bunged up. The turd that’s been rolling around in my shorts since Friday hasn’t broke down at all.
  • Sometimes I get bored. Now I have to try and figure out how to remove a sideways pencil eraser from my nostril.
  • Sometimes, when I’m lonely, I like to draw a face on my goiter and pretend it’s my friend. Her name is Mary and she’s a prostitute.
  • #neveragain will I fall for the holy piccolo trick again. I hate you Father O’Leary
  • #neveragain will I snort Borax and mouse shit
  • When it comes to sexual intercourse, I’d like to think I’m a porn star. Unfortunately, I’m more like a grade 10 band nerd.
  • #neveragain will I put a forked metal rod in my urethra and attach a car battery to it. That smarts
  • If I won the lottery, I’d travel the 3rd world countries reversing the work of missionaries. Stupid missionaries.
  • I’m getting @DavidHasselhoff drunk at some point this weekend.
  • I’m bored, I think I need to bang a hippie or something.
  • Well, I got my nuts and ass all washed up. Which lucky escort service will be the recipient of my phone call at midnight?

There’s another lazy post. I sure hope you all enjoy it over the weekend. You know, because you have nothing better to do.

Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your booty, shake your booty,


5 thoughts on “Old Tweeters From Smarty #2

  1. I understand that these are tweets from Smarty. But, I really want to know how many of these are REALLY from you. And to answer your question about being cum drunk. You’ve got to drink 2 cups and the best semen is from an elk. So, I’ve heard.

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