I’m on the fence with Jesus

Of course I don’t mean that I’m actually on the fence with Christ, and I don’t mean I’m on the fence with a Spaniard named Jesus either. I just don’t know where to stand on the issue of Christianity. I’m okay with not worrying about going to heaven or hell, but I do wonder what I should say when the girls ask me about it though. I guess I could just go with my old stand by, and give them an “I don’t really know”, or “It’s hard to tell”, but they’re pretty smart when it comes to reading me, so that probably won’t be enough. I know they go to church once in a while, and they seem to like it alright, so who am I to voice my opinion on the subject? On the other hand, shouldn’t they have another perspective on it? I don’t really have a view, but if I had to pick, I’d guess that there is no God, but people should still believe that there is, so we don’t go crazy and start raping and killing each other. I always wanted to believe in God as a wee lad, but after reading as much of the First Testament as I could stand, I decided that God wasn’t for me. Whether he’s it’s real or not, I’ll probably never know, but I know for sure that I wouldn’t like them.

There’s too much vindictive aggression with God. I don’t even know why he ordered the slaughter of the Canaanites, but order it he did, as proven here in Joshua 11:6-15. (As if I really used the words “proven” and “bible” in the same sentence.)

Nice bodyarmour on the dude in the bottom right

And the Lord said to Joshua, “Do not be afraid of them, for tomorrow at this time I will give over all of them, slain, to Israel. You shall hamstring their horses and burn their chariots with fire.” 7 So Joshua and all his warriors came suddenly against them by the waters of Merom and fell upon them. 8 And the Lord gave them into the hand of Israel, who struck them and chased them … until he left none remaining. 9 And Joshua did to them just as the Lord said to him: he hamstrung their horses and burned their chariots with fire … And they struck with the sword all who were in [Hazor], devoting them to destruction; there was none left that breathed. And he burned Hazor with fire. … And all the spoil of these cities and the livestock, the people of Israel took for their plunder. But every man they struck with the edge of the sword until they had destroyed them, and they did not leave any who breathed. 15 Just as the Lord had commanded Moses his servant, so Moses commanded Joshua, and so Joshua did. He left nothing undone of all that the Lord had commanded Moses.

(I’d like to point out that Canaan had women and children in it; children who could not have been corrupt and sinful yet. Also, what did the horses ever do to deserve a hamstringing?)

NOOOOO, hamstring their horses, you idiots

Like really? You have nothing better to do than exert your dominance over the world by waging war? Whatever, loser. See how far you get with that attitude. We teach our kids that bullying is a horrible thing to do, and it is, but then they are taught in the bible that it’s okay to bully, as long as you are doing it for the lord. Kind of mixed signals, don’t you think? We then wonder why so many wars are fought over religion, but if you play the religion card, the majority will support you. I’m pretty sure that the bible condones the use of force against the non-believers, so how can you dispute that? It says right there that you must lay waste to anyone who doesn’t take God as their lord. Kind of hard to argue if you’re a good Christian. (I don’t think it really says that, but sometimes I like to go on a tangent, so it will stay there.)

I may not believe in God, but I think that Jesus might have existed. I know what you’re thinking. How is that possible? Jesus was the son of God, so if he existed, God must exist, right? Not necessarily. I think that Mary probably got knocked up by some dude, and didn’t know how to explain it to her husband, so she made up a little fib. We all know that back then, you could use God as an excuse for anything, so why couldn’t Mary? I’ll bet that old Joseph was getting a little suspicious of Mary’s mood swings, and morning sickness, and she knew she was close to getting caught. She was going to ‘fess up… but wait. Remember that dude who stood by the well and told a little hottie that God wanted her to marry him? Why couldn’t that work for this? I’ll tell Jojo that God came in the night, and put a baby in my belly, and I’ll get him all liquored up on wine, so he’ll believe he saw it happen or something. This may work out all right. I sure as hell don’t want to be a single mother in Bethlehem in this day and age. Those fuckers will stone the shit outta me.

Of course I’m speculating, because I wasn’t there. I imagine that it went something like that, and then out came Jesus. A boychild, born of the Lord, and a slut mother. She would have to keep up the charade, because Jojo told everyone that he was a surrogate father to the son of God. Now, I can’t explain all of the miracles, except to say that the wine was more potent, and the disciples liked to fuck with people.

Hahaha, I didn't do any of that shit. Well, except for hanging with hookers, I may have done that once or twice

This may have been something that was overheard back then.

“Hey Michael, give me another drink.”

“Get your own flask, I’m tired of you always mooching mine. Shit, did Jesus just walk on water?”

“No, it’s a bunch of stones, but let’s tell everyone he did. Tee hee hee.”

“Damn, you crack me up Pete. Okay, you can have another pull. Who should we tell first?”

“Haha, thanks man. You know, I fucking love you Mike. Like a brother dude.”

That’s just one of my perspectives, and yes, I do have several. You don’t get to be this open-minded by thinking inside the box. Unless it’s a box of beer. 🙂

Someone’s crying, my Lord, Kumbaya,


13 thoughts on “I’m on the fence with Jesus

  1. God, the Bible, Jesus etc is all in the word and interpretations of man.
    We all know how the ego gets in the way of man and his thinking.
    I think that there probably was a Jesus – but not a son of god.
    I love the idea of Jesus and what he did in his stories.
    But they are just that – stories.

    I do believe that we are all connected by energy and that the energy inside does not die when our physical bodies do. What happens then? I don’t know?
    Do we travel the stars? Find the meaning of it all? Feel love like we never felt before? Do we come back as a dog, a tree, another human being?
    I don’t know.

    All I know is that when we are in the physical state we are in right now, in these human containers, we should be finding what makes our energy inside ‘ light up ‘.
    If this is through falling in love with someone, having children, your business/job, a pet, a type of music – so be it. It’s your life and it belongs to you – not a god or goddess…

    Religion is a means of control and we, as humans need to evolve out of it.
    Find the answers within one another as we live with one another every day.
    To live in that peaceful energy and not be corrupted by the ‘ fucking money ‘.

    Find the beauty again in what we have and take care of it.
    Stop fighting wars over stupid shit like oil, natural resources ( oh yeah, and my god vs your god bullshit ).
    These wars/conflicts/police actions are all a result of greed, ego and religion.

    There is enough for everyone on this planet to live in peace.
    We just all need to figure out what it is we need vs what we want.
    Need = necessities to live Want = ego, selfishness and greed

    Does anyone else agree or are you gonna ask Jesus what he would do?
    If you’re asking Jesus, you’re giving away your energy again to someone/something that does not exist and living your life for someone else and not for yourself….

    Thanks again Birdman.
    You hit the nail on the head so many times with your thoughts and passions.
    Keep doing so.
    Keep keeping it real.
    Maybe we should clone you….?
    But then again, I don’t think that would sit well with god.

    • Brad Rose, you are too kind. I like your thoughts about the energy. My beautiful fiance is kind of into the spirit and energy thing. One day we will all be together, talking, imbibing.

  2. Faith and religion are two entirely different things. It is possible to believe in some form of higher power, and to still shelve the bible right next to Bullfinch’s in the mythology section. I like to think of religion kind of like a web browser.

    The internet is the internet, no matter how you access it. So, use whatever program you are more comfortable with: Firefox, Explorer, Safari, Chrome, Flox, Opera, even AOL. No matter which one you use, it all gets you to the same exact place. Religion is the same way – you believe what is taught to you, or what makes you feel safe, or what you search for in your heart and are able to accept as truth – maybe all of the above. This can (and SHOULD) be different for every person.

    That’s how I see God. I think that any (one/thing/god/being) that could create such a wonderfully, beautifully diverse group of (people/animals/organisms) as we have here, maybe doesn’t care so much HOW you acknowledge (him/her/it), but just that you do. Maybe God is like the internet – an infinite number of ways to find what you need, unjudging, and always there, no matter which path you choose.

    (Oh, also, the existence of Jesus as an historical figure is pretty well established. The whole “son of God” thing is not – it is entirely a matter of faith. At the least, he was a very charismatic person with lots of followers. But then, so was Hitler.)

    • Kari, you always seem to be able to open my mind up a little further. I am afraid it is going to burst now. Are you telling me that if I believe in the internet, I am also believing in God, or that God is the webmaster, and we are all code writers? Please woman, tell me what you know, before it’s too late.

    • Thanks Dusty. I’ve been trying to comment on your wonderful blog post for a few days. I think I have the web power tonight.

    • Thanks. I’m hearing that a lot lately, but not hearing many arguments. Strange, unless I scared them off long ago.

  3. Fuckin’ Amen! Great post. Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. I’ll definitely poke around on here and take a look at your blogroll.

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