I get down sometimes

image Some days I wonder how screwed up I really am. Today was one of those days.  I don’t know why, I just felt like a bag of busted nuts today. For you, that means yesterday, because I almost always write these the night before, and because you are reading this in the future, I need you to pretend that the present is the past. Got that? Then let’s get on with it. I’m sitting here in the Northwoods Inn in Fort St. John, BC, and I’m trying to get a handle on how far gone I am, mentally. I mean compared to others of course, because that’s the only true way to gauge your mental health.

You know that I’m kidding, right? I know that everyone has problems with varying degrees of severity, and that every person handles things differently. What I want to know is what should a person’s breaking point be, and what happens when someone hits that breaking point? Lots of time’s I’ve thought I had hit mine, but then I wonder and start second guessing myself. I’ve never contemplated suicide, cutting, or firing potshots into any group of people, so I guess my little anxiety attacks are relatively mild. Even though it feels like a big empty hole in my heart, I have to step back and look at myself from a different angle. Kind of like when I try to back a trailer into a tight spot, and fail several times in a row. I start to get frustrated, and ride the brakes, which in turn drains the air out and stops the truck. While the truck is airing back up, I get out, walk around the truck and trailer, and curse a lot. While I’m doing this, I’m gaining a new perspective, and seeing my situation in a different light. I can usually jump back in, and hit the dock within a couple of tries after that. It’s just getting out to look at it.

Life’s like that too. You get into patterns that you don’t like, but because you keep doing the same thing all the time, you find it hard to see what you need to do to change it. Maybe you just need to see it from someone else’s point of view, or alter one thing to upset the constant circle of events. I don’t know what I need to do about my little bouts of depression, except to write things down. I know that I can jot down a problem that I might not be able to say out loud, and I have no doubts that people will try to help me, because I have the greatest life partner, family and friends that there are. Before you try to figure out how to help me, realize that in reading something I have written, and enjoying it, thinking about it, and responding to it is actually what helps me get through whatever it is that I’m writing about. I’m not saying that you have to publicly comment,although I do love that, because it might be personal, but you could email me, send a message through Facebook, or call me.

I have no qualms about telling anyone who takes the time to read, exactly what is going through my head. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I suspect that there are a lot of people that feel the same. I guess that when I’m talking to someone, they feel the need to try and solve my problems, but that’s totally not the case. I understand the desire to help people, and I do it to, but most of the time I just want to hear what I’m saying, and how ridiculous it sounds. Joey is probably my best friend, because I can go to him and unload all of my buckets of drudgery, and he nods and listens, and at the end will say something like “Wanna go get some wings?” or “Let’s go get some hookers and a bottle of peach schnapps”. Do you know why I like that? It’s because those are three of my favourite things, and Joe doesn’t know how to solve my problems. Just like I don’t know how to solve his. I’ll enable and support him through his problems, but I can’t do it for him. It’s just the way things work in life. You can help people do things, but if you do the things for them, you aren’t helping them at all.

There, now I feel pretty good, and all I had to do was write down a few paragraphs on Chin’s iPad (I forgot my laptop), after brushing my teeth with the toothbrush he gave me (I lost mine). I will then email it to my phone that is charging on the cord that Chin lent me, which is different than the one he lent me today so I could charge in the steamer (Sometimes I forget things). Chin mentioned tonight that there was only one post that he could remember me flattering him in, and if there is, I’m sorry. Anyone who really knows me, knows that I do not flatter people. If I compliment someone it is heartfelt and true in my eyes and mind, because if I can’t find something good to say about you, there is no way in hell that I’d be talking to you. That being said, I’m very glad that Chin decided to come out here with me, because not only is he thoughtful, smart, and funny, he is also honourable, honest, and generous. He is an excellent travelling companion, and quite a charmer with the ladies. I’m glad I was able to see through his cynical, snarky outer shell, and get to know the guy I’ve come to depend on so much on this trip. I wish him all the best, and no matter where his path leads him, he will always be welcome wherever I am, and as with any of my friends, I will accept his collect calls from jail. I am now pledging my first born to him, but not because I’m to old to look after a baby, honest.

Oh, and to be clear, I’m very tired, and I really miss my family and friends. That was why I was so whiny earlier, but I’ve quit dwelling on the negative, and started focusing on the fact that I love you guys. You are what keeps me going, and even though you bastards didn’t share my well made video yesterday, I still look forward to burdening you with my problems for years to come. Thanks for reading my mind, my heart, and my stories, and thanks for all of the comments, to those of you that take the time. We really do appreciate any feedback we can get, and while I can’t speak for everyone, I always try to respond. Not because I feel I have to, because I like to.

So while you sit back and wonder why, I got this fucking thorn in my side,


P.S. I received a comment that the posts are too long, and too much to read. I thought I should check with everyone else, just to see if I should shorten them down. Let me know, either here or on the Facebook page, or wherever you see fit. I try to do a thousand words a day, but that’s just a guideline.

P.S.S. I re-read the post and realized there was no swearing, so I changed the lyric from I can see her lyin’ back in her satin dress, in a room where ya do what ya don’t confess, by Gordon Lightfoot. Haha

6 thoughts on “I get down sometimes

  1. Perspective is key. And really, it doesn’t usually hurt to guage your mental health by comparing yourself to others! (for instance I’m comparing mine to yours right now! 😉
    I agree, mostly a person just needs listening – not solving.
    I SO admire your honesty and candid posts; and I’m always sad when I get to the end (because it’s over – NOT too long!) but at the same time I look forward to the end to see what song you quote!)
    I censor and think way too much about status updates and comments… I’m sure I could not blog! Keep on keeping on.

    I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

    • Thanks Amber, I really do appreciate that, but you are wrong about not being able to blog when you censor yourself. You would probably find that you are more successful, because more people are wanting to read your writing. I also want to thank you for all of the support; it’s what keeps me smiling every day. Well, and knowing I’ll be with my soulmate in a month. 😉

  2. As someone who suffers from depression and has gorren help you are truly doing the right thing by reaching out and talking or writing about it. Cheers to you Birdman!!

    My love to you and Chin!

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