Happy Birthday, Baby

Really though, what we are going to talk about now is something that Scotty P got me thinking about today with a question in a comment he put on here.

“Hey Birdy, you ever think that maybe your own personality has something to do with the fact you’re meeting all these great people?”

I think that it absolutely does have something to do with it, but probably not in the way you are thinking. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I like to talk. A lot. I’m a fucking Chatty Cathy doll that’s come to life. A lot of peeps have told me that I make them feel at ease, because I talk so much, but others can’t stand to be around me. I used to get all offended when people would say that, and I’d try to be quiet, but it wouldn’t last long. I think this leads to people opening up and getting to know me.

Well isn't that a pretty little dress. Whore.

The reason that extroverted people have so many friends, is because they talk to everyone, and eventually they will meet up with people that they become friends with. Now say you are shy, and I am far from it. We come into contact with thirty people in a day. I engage fifteen of them, and you engage five. That’s three to one odds that I will gain a friend that day over you.

I think that my talkative nature began when I was a child. My mother used to give me Gravol when company would come over, but I would just perk up when I heard a voice, and be right out there telling them about the day I had in the sandbox, on the monkey bars, or shitting on the lawn. It just didn’t matter. Mom actually lost a couple of friends when I was about seven, because they couldn’t stand being around me, but Mom never told me that until I was about ten.

That was when she snapped, and started to tie me up and gag me when company came over. She would make me put on a diaper and sometimes I would lay there for hours in my own piss, while she drank her third bottle of that shitty homemade wine. After the company would leave, she’d come in and free me, make me clean myself up, and then she would prepare some supper for us.

I remember my sisters would sometimes come in and dangle big hanging milk spits over my face, and there was nothing I could do about it. I would thrash about until I had wore myself out, and then I would fall asleep. I always woke up covered in a milky, viscous liquid. It would be in my ears, eyes, etc… It was disgusting. I recall this one time that I got free, and went running out into the kitchen in my shitty diaper, and the lady at the table didn’t know what to think. Here’s a ten year old kid with rope burns on his feet and hands, stinking like a polecat’s ass, and trying to tell her about the time he went fishing with his uncle and caught three perch, and a catfish. Thinking about it now, I guess it must have seemed kind of crazy.

As I got into my teen years, my friends used to use me to keep store staff busy so they could shoplift things.


Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’d like to say that the whole middle of this post is bullshit. I’m just trying to throw Mrs. Birdman off of the scent. I have been trying to get some videos uploaded for her birthday, but I can’t seem to get it done. It’s nothing too elaborate, at least not compared to the amazing birthday present that she made for me this year, but it was just a few videos of us being silly. I guess you’ll just have to watch them on the phone in the cocoon, Baby.

I hope that I can continue to show you all of the love that you deserve for at least one more year. You are the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me, and not a day goes by without me thinking about how lucky I am. I have decided to compile as many of the reasons why I love you as I can remember, in bullet form, because it will be easy for me to read them back to you at night. I think I’ll get those letter stickers and put them all over the walls of the cocoon so you will never wonder again, why I love you as much as I do.

Reasons I Love You, Mrs. Birdman

by Birdman

  • You are one of the funniest people I know.
  • You are extremely kind and warm
  • you are honourable
  • You aren’t afraid to tell me that you hate camping
  • You love to stay in bed
  • You love to stay in bed with me
  • You have the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
  • You make me genuinely happy
  • You birthed those two babies
  • You have a truly kind heart to almost anyone.
  • Other than that rummy, you have never pushed an air conditioner out the window on someone’s head
  • You smell nice
  • You have pretty hair
  • You are fun
  • You are the only woman that truly gets me
  • You are capable of diagnosing diseases and prescribing OTC medications
  • You don’t kill people (mostly)
  • You are the most beautiful person I know (I haven’t met Deepak Chopra)
  • You love my family
  • You are a terrific kisser
  • You mostly let me do whatever I want (I know now, that having a pet tiger is unreasonable)
  • You never leave bruises on my face (thank you)
  • You love going to the cabin
  • You never notice when I slip roadkill into the spaghetti sauce
  • You are supersweet
  • Your eyes
  • Your proper use of grammar, punctuation, and spelling
  • Your ability to not expect much housework out of me
  • The way the cocoon curtain light gives your peacefully sleeping face that reddish hue
  • You are super talented, and push yourself to excel at everything you do
  • You love backrubs
  • You are affectionate
  • you are not anal/OCD
  • You are super cute
  • You are an amazing mom to a couple of amazing kids that you love more than anything
  • You never quit trying
  • You are “good crazy”
  • You have a free spirit, and an open mind
  • You love garlic and JP’s pitas
  • You strive for perfection
  • You love me more than anyone else (except PocketMom)
  • You taught me that fake proposals aren’t as funny as I thought
  • You are often silly, but never foolish
  • You love Van Morrison
  • We fit together
  • You don’t try to make me do things that I hate very often
  • You don’t hold a grudge
  • You hold a grudge
  • Your not-so-secret fantasies about Jay Sharp
  • You try to use “all natural” sleep medication, instead of getting hooked on Ambien
  • You are you
  • You will do anything for a friend to make their day brighter
  • You make friends easily
  • You sparkle and shine
  • You have such a big heart, and you don’t try to keep it in
  • Your excitement over certain things
  • You agreed to marry me
  • Your collection of friends is impeccable

Baby, I love you more than the air that I breathe, and the song in my heart. I am so happy that you want to spend the rest of your life with me, and I hope I can still put a smile on your face in twenty years from now. You give me an energy that I’ve never had, and you put a song in my heart that plays in a constant loop, but never gets old and shitty like Nickelback. I know that we have something that is special, and I can honestly look into our future and see us as a couple of old people, trying to remember shit, and helping each other get through the day, because there’s nothing we want more than to just spend a little more time together. I love that we never run out of things to talk about, and that we would rather sit at home together curled up with a candle and a couple of thoughts, than anything else. You are my favourite, and I love you so much that it sometimes makes my heart skip a beat.

When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me,


18 thoughts on “Happy Birthday, Baby

  1. Wow, you are as lucky to have her as she is to have you! You each have found your true soul mate. I am very luck to call you both friends! XOXO

  2. Happy Birthday Mrs. Birdman! I think I love you too after reading that! And who doesn’t have a crush on Jay Sharp?

    It sure doesn’t surprise me that you were kept tied and bound from visitors! Please thank your Mom for single handily saving humanity from certain chaos. That, and making you the person you are today.

    We still got a coffee date, Birdy. My place or yours? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

    • Thanks Scotty, I’m up for a coffee if you are not too busy with people’s financial future. Get a hold of me when you’re free.

  3. The list made me weepy, Birdman. I love all of those things and more about your Mrs. & am thrilled that she has found a soul partner after all of these years!

    I love the love-in baby!

  4. Wow Birdman you brought a tear to my eye. You show so much love in this post to a very beautiful lady that I am proud to call my friend. I am so happy for the both of you 🙂

  5. Happy Happy birthday Mrs.Birdman! I haven’t even met you yet and you are already one of my favourite peeps! Thank you for making Birdman so happy. And thank you Birdman for beng smart enough not to let this wonderful woman get away. Love ya both!

    • Thanks man, I appreciate all comments, but especially those from people who care not for the Nickelback. They are a soulless bastard created from the lust between Barry Manilow and a coyote.

  6. Happy belated birthday, Mrs. Birdman!

    What a wonderful post you did here, Birdman. Even though I know you’ll probably make fun of me for admitting this, I’ll do it anyway – you actually made me mist up. I’m one of the lucky folks who has met the love of my love, so I know how wonderful it feels. Good for you both.

    • I know you have, I read your blog and love it. I also won’t tease you, because that would be calling the kettle black.

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