Gut Shot


Not really, but I thought I needed a gimmick to get you in here.

I stole this. It’s not me at all.

What I want to talk about is my resume and the fact that no one seems to pay any attention to it. Seriously. I even went to a resume writing workshop and everything, but I very rarely even get called for an interview, even for minimum wage jobs.

I suspect that it’s the blog that is turning people off, but who knows? One potential employer was at least honest enough to tell me that he was concerned that I might blog about work. I wouldn’t, but I guess you can’t trust anyone nowadays. I should be glad that it wasn’t the content that he was balking at, as I assume that is most people’s problem with it, but it’s not like I’m applying for a fucking nanny position or anything. I just want a job that I can go to for my five days a week, start at whenever and get done eight or ten or even twelve hours later. I realise that I am not going to get the creative type of job that I’d love to go to every day, but who is?

I’d just be happy with a job that I work my 40 or so hours and then come home to write my blog posts and dream up ways to become comfortable and famous. Notice that I didn’t put “rich” in there? That’s because I don’t care about that. I really don’t want much. What am I going to do with millions of dollars? I guess hire an assistant for one thing. Other than that, some blogging conventions, and a few adventures, I really have everything a guy could want. Oh right…except a job.

My uber-smart wife told me put my resume on Kijiji, because she thinks that I should just explain my situation to any potential employers. Seeing as sending out resumes the traditional way isn’t working, I figured, “What the hell?”.

I thought I’d try it out here first, in hopes that one or more of you can help me out by giving me some feedback. Maybe you are in HR, own a company, or maybe you’ve gone through the whole job search process recently, either way, I really would appreciate any help I can get. This will be the first totally honest resume that I’ve ever done, and although I know that honesty is frowned upon these days, I’m going to give it a shot, because I’m sick of trying to figure out what people want me to say.

Okay, here goes, and feel free to share it with anyone you know. You can share the post, or just copy and paste the resume part into and email or document. Thanks in advance.


Chris Bird                                                                                              905-269-1658

Box 172, Colborne, ON K0K 1S0                                                


To get a job in or near my home, preferably one that will allow me to use my brain, but that’s not completely necessary. I can zone out and feed a machine with the best of them. A job that gets me home by suppertime each night would be ideal.

Highlights Of Qualifications

  • I have my AZ/Class 1 license, and really enjoy driving, but not anywhere west of Ajax/Pickering
  • I have almost all of my oilfield safety tickets, but I hope I don’t have to use them again
  • I have a little bit of experience running heavy equipment, but not enough to call myself an operator. If I had my druthers though, I’d really enjoy running an excavator. I could work an entire day in one and not ever look at the clock
  • I have worked in retail and the restaurant business many years ago, and left because environment was getting to me. I think I’d be okay with it now.
  • I think I would do well in sales, because of my love of meeting and getting to know new people, and I’m very easy to get along with. I have also wanted an expense account since I found out about them on WKRP in Cincinnati
  • I am self diagnosed ADD, so if you have a whole bunch of different jobs to be done, I’m your man
  • I absolutely love working with social media. Mostly blogging, Google+ and Facebook Pages, but I enjoy Twitter and Pinterest too. I enjoy setting up pages and profiles for people and businesses
  • I learn most thing quite fast, and have a burning desire to know everything.

Relevant Skills and Experience


  • Several hundred thousand kilometres on highway and in the bush on ice roads and mountainous terrain
  • Have pulled almost every configuration of trailer
  • Hazardous and dangerous materials are a piece of cake for this hombre
  • Can dodge scales like a champ, and will do so because I don’t trust the DOT, MTO, or any other motor vehicle enforcement agency. I’m usually legal, but they can sometimes find things, so why give them the chance?
  • Excellent with maps, directions, and using available resources to find where I need to be.
  • Good with roadside repairs and especially skilled with vise grips on airlines.
  • Will do what is necessary to get the job done, usually. Don’t quote me on this one, but if an employer or dispatcher is decent with me, I will go above and beyond to finish what I start.
  • I am quite good at problem solving, going by what I’ve seen from trainees that I’ve compared myself to. I think pretty quickly on my feet, and under pressure.
  • Everything else is from a long time ago, and


  • I own a blog at, where I write several times a week.
  • I am trying to use Jedi mind power to write a book. I have all of the ideas, I just lack the focus to actually do the work. It’s either that or I’m afraid I’ll fail at it, but that can’t be right. Can it?
  • I have done some freelance work, such as some erotica, humorous erotica, About Me pages, and some backlink posts, but I find it hard to write for someone else, unless they want me to write it in my style, and honestly.
  • I have learned quite a bit about using social media to promote my writing, but not solely for that purpose. I truly believe that they all have their own uses, independent of each other, but still complementary.

Education and Training

  • CDCI West, Cobourg ON – Completed most of grade 10 – Expelled for skipping several weeks in a row, except for co-op. I always went to co-op.
  • Bob Young’s Transport Training Institute, Ennismore ON – Obtained my AZ license
  • Assorted day courses and safety tickets from around the countryside, not many of which I want to use again, but will if necessary.

Okay, now about my blog. It’s questionable content sometimes, and is my outlet for whatever I feel like letting out. I use foul language, sexually explicit themes, and all sorts of other dirty stuff. (Don’t worry, it’s rated 18+, so if you have parental controls on, your kids won’t see it.) While it is often an extension of my thoughts, a lot of it is solely for entertainment purposes, and should not reflect how I act among the “gentle people”. There is a time and a place for everything, and had I known that it was going to affect my ability to work, I would have made more of a conscious effort to remain anonymous.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel that I should have to remain anonymous, but apparently it’s bad for business to be associated with me. I guess because I speak my mind, swear, and make some crude remarks to be humorous, it completely negates the fact that I might have some relevant things to say. Quite a few people have told me that they love the blog, but it’s whispered to me when we’re out of earshot of everyone else. It’s totally understandable, because there are a lot of people that would judge them for the types of jokes that they find funny, or their thoughts about certain religions or just religion in general. Sadly, they might need those customers to make sure that their kids get to eat, or that they get to keep themselves in the lifestyle to which they’ve become accustomed.

Whatever the reason, it’s their’s. I don’t have to deal with it. I don’t want to work for someone who can’t see me for the person I am, and not the character I portray on my blog. I would work for them, because a guy’s gotta eat, and it’s not a personal situation. As long as I conduct myself appropriately in a professional capacity, the subject of my writing at home shouldn’t matter. Should it? I mean, we’re just having a bit of fun, and hoping it turns into something bigger. Isn’t that what everyone hopes for?

To sum things up, I’m very loyal until there is cause not to be, and I will always stand up for what I believe is right. I think I am quite fair, and I don’t believe that I’m entitled to things that I don’t deserve. I love to troubleshoot and brainstorm with people, to come up with different perspectives, but I also love finding those perspectives on my own. I love looking at problems from all different viewpoints, to see how it affects all parties involved. I like to think outside of the box, and while I understand the “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it” mentality, I also think that just because something works, it doesn’t mean that something else won’t work, or make it even better.

I have moved around a lot in my life, and I’ve jumped from job to job with great ease, but I’ve since met, married, and settled down with the woman of my dreams. She and her two little girls make up my world now, and none of us want me to have to work away anymore. I want to be there to tuck them in at night, until they are too old for that nonsense, and don’t want me too anymore. I don’t care if it’s sweeping floors, doing courier work, or thinking up commercials, if I can be here to argue about how many vegetables they have to eat for supper, I’m in. All I need is a chance.


13 thoughts on “Gut Shot

  1. Why do you want to work for somebody else? Why not have your own business? Or better yet.. Join one of those pyramid schemes…rob a bank..(I want a cut for the genius idea if you don’t get busted). Can you make anything? Make an etsy store..if your good with graphics you can just sell digital images that u email and they print themselves.. Or, come push a broom at hydro for 20$/hour 🙂

    • I tried to sell you Amway, but you pinched my nipple with those BBQ tongs until I left. Sorry for misinterpreting that. As for pushing a broom at Hydro, you obviously think that it’s easier to get in there than it actually is. Send your boss my resume, if I even get an interview I will personally slay a unicorn and serve you a rump roast from it. (If I find one.)

      • Ok, perhaps using the BBQ tongs were a bit ‘over the top’ in some people’s eyes(in the western world), however I’ve been turned off of Amway ever since the time I was making a peanut butter sandwich, and didn’t notice the pool of LOC on the counter that I put my bread on. Boy, it took a long time to get that concentrated soap taste out of my mouth. And I couldn’t stand the thought of eating PB for years! Traumatized .

        Oh, also, I think that digging might not be your forte.. Like I’m not sure, but you got bored of digging up your back yard didn’t you? Last time I saw it.. Wasn’t there some dirt hills everywhere? Lol You should just charge little kids and invite them over to ride on your BMX track.

        • Yes, it’s true. I’m quite poor at the digging. I should have just rented a Bobcat, when the guy never showed back up. I tried wheelbarrowing it over, and I got the front part done, but just gave up after that.

  2. I love your resume! I would hire you just for the honesty of it.

    Good luck with the job search. I know how hard it can be sometimes.

    Don’t stop believin’

      • What do you have against Journey?

        How about some Night Ranger?

        Sister Christian
        Oh the time has come
        And you know that you’re the only one
        To say O.K.
        Where you going
        What you looking for
        You know those boys
        Don’t want to play no more with you
        It’s true

  3. I think your resume is awesome. I’m sorry you are having such a hard time finding a job. I do think it’s ridiculous that your blog would hinder rather than help. If a potential employer doesn’t see your creativity through your blog, then fuck’em. Good luck!!

  4. You should take your address off the Internet.

    Also, you should change the wording away from “waste” the day away.

    Don’t mention that you have ever “hated people”

    Take out “and would love to get paid for it”

    I’m no expert, those are just my thoughts. I know you are trying to be honest, but you still don’t want too many negatives

    • Thanks for the tips. I took the physical address off. That’s just a box in the post office, but if someone wants to come and visit/stalk me, then they can just call. I’m usually around during the day, and we could play fun games in the woods with Blue.

  5. So being up half the night has really sparked my creative thinking side. I have an idea! I’ve heard that the government will give you money for staying home! Yes it’s true! You could actually stay home and get paid to drink, party, sit on your thumb, or come up with other creative ideas to scam the Feds by applying for funding. I know for me personally I donate to the cause a hefty sum… So at least why not have it go to someone I like? Could be a good gig…apparently the caseworkers will even get you furniture if you say you’re in need. For example…If you don’t like your bed or couch you can always get a new one if you rip it a bit and poke some springs out.
    Taxis are paid for… After all you need beer right?


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *