(I posted this on Steemit last week and just got the payout, so figured I’d put it up here. I shouldn’t have to warn you, but it’s pretty lewd.)
So we know that God has a plan for us all, but does anyone know what it is?
I might have a little insight here.
I figured this out while I was reminiscing about my short time in Amway. I remembered their old mantra that you would hear and say every time you or someone else was showing “The Plan”
Me – You – Six – Four – Two, Me – You – Six – Four – Two, Me – You – Six – Four – Two
So basically what you have to do is show the plan to six or seven hundred of your once closest friends and hope that six of them join up under you and stay in long enough to sign four of their friends up. You would hope that this was it, but those four have to each sign two more people up so that it looks something like this.
(Sure, it’s all legal, but so is dumping small amounts of chemicals in our rivers and lakes.)
Now everyone, except other Amway people, either hate your guts or pity you because you lost your fucking mind and joined Amway. Either way, you have to do this if you want to have a passive income. You have to work really hard for a while, then you just rest on your laurels while the money trickles in.
Sounds easy, right?
God thought it was.
Originally he was hanging out with his buddy, smoking weed and they were trying to figure out how they could have wealth without doing much work.
His buddy tells him to create a sim world with the 3D printer and spawn a couple of people to start a population, so he does. They figure the people will be so happy to be alive on this new world that they will surely offer some of what they have, and will pass it on to their kids, who will pass it on to their kids and so on, and so on.
But they don’t and shit goes a bit wonky for a while.
Then Abraham and Lot came along, and God recruited those simpletons.
And God saw that it was good.
He could tell that they would believe anything he told him, so he would whisper things to them. Usually, it was things that would get a population going and get some money flowing in, but sometimes he was an idiot.
Like the time he came home and smoked some fucking opium in his room and then saw Lot’s daughters looking all sultry and bored. The fucking guy yells, “You sluts should get your pops drunk and bang his old ass.”
(Yayyyy, Daddy’s home!)
Sometimes he’d come home fucked up on acid and get intensly weird. He told Abraham to kill his kid a few times when he was being a whiny bitch.
One time Abe almost did it, but God saw that he was serious and stopped him.
Phew! Dead babies aren’t going to be bringing folks to the light anytime soon.
Abe and Lot didn’t bring much to the fold, but after a bit of begatting, along came Moses. He was one handsome bastard, let me tell you, and smooth as fuck.
God could see that this hustlin’ cocksucker was going to get him paid, so he laid out a few guidelines, threw some thunder, clouds and fire pillars around and let him have his head. Fucking Moses made up the rest on his feet.
In no time, he was raking it in. Gold, brass, carbuncles; and he was burning up all kinds of critters. God sure did love the smell of burning flesh. It reminded him of when his grandfather used to debeak the chickens on the farm. You know, before the bank took it away.
Well, before you could say Stompin’ Tom Connors, the whole middle east was loaded with Jews, and they were all giving ten percent of their shit to Moses’ downline. Sure, everyone got a cut on the way up, but God was still making two points on everything coming through Moses and a few stragglers on Lot’s side.
And God saw that it was fucking great.
He could sit around and do fuck all now. He bought the Magnum Ferrari, a fucking nice Cessna, and most of Gary, Indiana. He even bought the mortgage on his parent’s house, booted them out and burned it down. That’ll teach those uppity cunts to call him lazy.
Keep spreading the good word, you crazy fuckers.