Oct 13

What your Girlfriend really does when Home Alone (Guest Post)

Sponsored Post by Donna Peak

Sex toys are no secret. Chances are you have a few stashed away for foreplay. If you have a drawer full, I will honestly tell you what your girlfriend does with them when you’re not home – before I begin however I will recall what you do with the sex toys first…

Guys are so eager, they see a vagina and they think we want it stuffed full with thigh-slapping motions. They think we don’t want just 1 finger, we want as many as you can stuff into the hole all while wiggling and twisting your knuckles. Because we know you’re trying so hard, our reaction is always the same “ooh baby. Oh yea”

Then the sex toys come out and at least it’s a nice change – and we’ll finally get something that feels good – until the man gets hold of it again. Take the g-spot vibrator, they shove it up to the hilt and wiggle it asking us how does that feel. Yes, it does feel good but vibrations around my fallopian tubes gets kind of annoying after awhile. Then I move your hand outward a little guiding him to the real spot. Pssst: The g-spot is only 2-3 inches inside, not behind the belly button you fools!

OK that was tolerable. Now it’s time for the rabbit vibrator. You thrust it in and out, repeatedly hitting the rabbit head over the clitoris in a sloppy motion. Honestly, do you think that feels good? So again I guide the hand to hold the vibrator there with minimal motion. Guys aren’t interested in “stick it-and click-it” play so eventually the thrusting motion resumes. Enter fake orgasm number 1. OK now I just want sex, so then we do it and I hold the bullet vibrator over my clitoris and cum at the same time as you. I have a powerful bullet so that I can orgasm in less than a minute, just like you. Taking my pleasure into my own hands I finally feel good. Continue reading

Oct 05

The New AD?

As some of you might know, I don’t mind whoring myself out to brands if there is a benefit for me. This case is no different, except that my whoring nets you some shit, which in turn nets me some shit, in the form of potentially more readers that want to win something.

What the fuck are you talking about, Birdman? Did you finally get that endorsement deal from Eros Silicone Lubricant? Continue reading

Sep 17

I Need Your Help!

Seriously. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. I am going to start compiling a few e-books of the first year’s posts. I know that our topics jump around a lot, and I also know that some people like the blog for different reasons. For this reason, and this reason alone, I am splitting up the posts into different genres, or types.

I know that I could probably hire a professional to do all of this analytical grunt work for me, but that costs money, and I’m sure that I won’t sell more than a dozen of these pieces of dog shit at $1.99 each, so I had probably better not pay some “expert” a whole bunch of money to fuck up something that my friends and I can fuck up for free.

So to you, my friends” I ask this question. “Will you help me?”

If you answer yes, I will email you every Therapy Thursday for the first year in a single document with a number at the start of each post. I need you to read them all and then rate them from 1 to 24 or 25, whichever the total number is. For this, I will give you a copy of the e-book when it comes out, or if it never does, I’ll give you a really good back rub. For reals. They are awesome. There may be some other perks, but I really don’t know yet. For this particular service, I would like to have 25 people if I can get that many. If you know people that don’t read the blog, but they would be willing to help out, I will also give them a back rub, because they are probably going to need some comforting after being subjected to this horse shit.

After the Therapy Thursday is compiled, I will be working on compiling a book of thoughtful, more serious posts, and then maybe just a funny one. I don’t really know yet, but I would really like to have a best of each year group of e-books, even if my best isn’t quite as good as say, The Bloggess’ worst posts.

I’m also thinking of starting a store, so if there is something from the blog that you think would be cool on a mug or a shirt or something, please let us know. If we use your idea, and a few people buy it, I’ll give you one for free.

These are just a few of the ideas that I have, because Google fucked me on the ads, Paypal took like $.68 of the $2 in donations that I got, sponsored reviews aren’t coming in as much as I’d like, and my man-whoring gig hasn’t been doing so well at $8 an hour. It probably wouldn’t be so bad, if I could just get more than three hours a week. I think I just need to get my name out there a bit more.

Anyhow, I’m going to crawl into bed and eat cheesies with my one and only. If you can help me out, or know someone who will, then I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and maybe some day, my supply of free shit. If you can’t, then thanks for reading this totally uninteresting, boring post all the way to here. You’re a champ.

Now check out this crazy dubstep beatbox dude. He is freaky good.

When I was younger, so much younger than today, I never needed anybody’s help in any way,

Birdman

P.S. I know it seems like I’m on a Beatles kick, but I’m not. They are just what comes into my head. I haven’t heard a Beatles song in weeks.

Jul 28

The Time I Tried To Make Money As A Day Trader

This was one of those times when I just knew I was going to get rich, because one of the operators for an oil company told me that they had hit a huge pocket and production was going to go through the roof. He was going out to buy as many shares as he could.

My vision

Holy shit, me too. I thought to myself. I want in on some of that action. I went home and opened up a day trading account at my bank and bought a few thousand dollars worth of their stock. (Hey, I was a single oilfield worker at the time. I had good cheques coming in.

Unfortunately this account came with traders that were not allowed to advise you on anything.

Now I’m poor. Not because of that. I’ve pissed away a lot more than that, just on pizza. I lost over half of it though, so I’m still a little pissy about day trading. I just looked at the stock price today, and it’s about where I left it six years ago, so I wouldn’t have made it back anyhow.

My reality. Without the skeevy sideburns.

I don’t know how some people make any money at this, but apparently they do. I saw Timothy Sykes’s best penny stock picks on the internet, and he claims:

He Turned $12,415 into $2,850,000

Yeah? Well can you give me the $12,415 so I can have a go at it then? I don’t know about all of this “free money”, but I’d like a little bit of it. Send it my way, please.

Birdman

Jul 27

So The Selling Out Begins

If any of you have read the Disclosure Page, you will understand what tomorrow’s post is all about. I’m a whore, but I’m a whore that wants to sponsor a hockey jersey for one of my old friends, and a huge supporter of the blog. She has assured me that she will lead the league in penalties and assissts, and she will wear the jersey on her webcam adult site.

She’s in there somewhere. I haven’t got my glasses on.

Wicked, right? Well it would be, but she doesn’t have a site, much to everyone’s chagrin. She is a hell of a dedicated hockey player though, and her team travels all over the place to go in tournaments. That means lots of exposure, doesn’t it? I think so, and it gives them some cash for all of their travelling around, so everybody wins. Continue reading