Aug 02

Therapy Thursday

Therapy Thursday People,

I have a problem, as most of us do, and my problem I need help with from You, Smarty and the Mrs, is this. Why can’t people keep their mouths shut about private matters when it is disclosed to them in the friendship confidentiality code? I’m not talking about whispering a few things to your significant other, keeping them in the loop about certain things that happen in a healthy friend loop. I’m talking about when you tell a friend, in confidence, an embarrassing thing that is going on in your life, and they just tell anyone that will listen. I just don’t get it and I’m almost to the point where I don’t need people like that as friends anymore! Please help me understand why these fuckers do this, because it’s accumulating into HUGE snowballs of grief and heartache for me! It’s hard when you can’t trust your friends.

Companion Catharsis

Dear Companion,

I feel your pain. We have all been the subject of unwelcome scrutiny in our public (or private) lives, and no one likes to feel the tractor beam of interest fall on them when it’s a matter we’d rather leave private. Continue reading

Jul 26

Therapy Thursday

Dear Therapy Thursday:

I married a Republican.

I know, I know!! But I swear to god, it sounded like a good idea at the time! He was really smart, hysterically funny, super hot, AND my family loved him. (Oddly, since they are all RABID Democrats.) And I thought, “Hey, I’m undeclared anyway, since I’m both ultra liberal (socially), and ultra conservative (fiscally). It’ll be OK.”

And it mostly has been.  But here we are, a period of time later (yes, *I* know how long we’ve been married. That was a direct quote.) And he still does not know that starting a discussion about how awful it was for Obama to declare his support of birth control to a high school auditorium is probably not a good idea 5 minutes before bedtime. Of course, it degenerated into a big argument (which, I suspect, consisted of both of us arguing completely different issues from each other).  And, since I am now WIDE awake, and you’re desperate for Therapy Thursday victims, I thought I’d help you out. ‘Cause that’s how I roll.

So, I need suggestions on how to communicate better with someone when you’re on completely opposite ends of the spectrum (clearly, my policy of avoidance is not working out well).

Ready To Murder Mitt Continue reading

Jul 19

Therapy Thursday

Dear Therapy Thursday,

Today I was at the gym and saw a “girl” whom I believe is a professional bodybuilder. Though she was my height, bigger than me and stronger than me, and she had (pretty much) all the characteristics of a man, I found her quite attractive. (Despite knowing that she could probably crush my head like a grape with her powerful thighs, and would likely insist on being on top.)

I’ve been looking for a way to get my wife into 3-ways, and this seems like a perfect opportunity! (Something for everyone – all that muscle, and boobs, too!) How would you suggest I approach the topic with my wife?


Hoping Our Marriage Opens

Continue reading

Jul 12

Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman: I’m trying to lose weight. I do pretty good on the working out side. But my diet is horrible. I love all the “bad food” and don’t have willpower to stay away. Help!

Patty Too Fatty


Dear Patty: Have you ever written me at the right time, friend!  I just lost 20lbs on this amazing new diet where you can eat anything you want and never get off the couch!  It’s truly changing my life.  If only I had discovered this incredible solution to my weight problem sooner!

Why the fuck wouldn’t you want to be that happy?

Now before you get your credit card out to order this miracle diet I’m hawking, let me just let you just tell you that I am a big fat liar (literally) and there is no miracle diet.  You knew that already, though, didn’t you? Continue reading
Jun 28

Therapy Thursday


Dear Smarty and Mrs. Birdman:

I have a problem. I’m a sniveling sack of goat shit. I get into these weird moods sometimes, and even when everything in my life is good, I still find something to bitch about. While these concerns seem to be valid when I have them, on further inspection they are just a pile of tears and lack of sleep. I am debating on whether or not to submit this to you because I know how mean you can get, and I just don’t think that I can handle mean right now.

I think it has to do with not working, but especially the feeling that I’ll be back on the highway soon. I realized after driving to Toronto today that I fucking hate that job. I know that you aren’t allowed to take down license plates and give cops handjobs to find out where the people live, but I was oh so tempted today. Anyhow, I am going to hit the pavement on Tuesday, and I’ll be taking whatever the first job offered to me is. I’m not concerned about how much it is, but benefits would be a huge tipping point.

So there you go. I’m a happily depressed mess, and I can’t imagine things being better than they are right now (except for a job, and possibly a speed reading course). My blog is experiencing a nice, gradual upswing in numbers, and I’m sad about losing some old friends. I guess I shouldn’t be, because I’m not writing it for those cunts, am I?

Do you have the time to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything all at once,

Birdman Continue reading