Feb 26

The Best For Last (Part One)

mindofbirdman

When Mrs. B wanted to do a photography workshop in California we decided to both go and use it as our vacation, because we have very good friends in Phoenix that we rarely get to see, and it was only a few hours away. This was really appealing to me, because that’s the kind of vacation I like. I was also very excited to see my friends Krista and Adam, and of course, the beautiful, talented Ruby Rideout and her handsome, new husband.

I remember when Krista told me she was moving to Arizona. I was pretty sad. I knew that she hated the yucky, cold winters, and she didn’t hide the fact that she wasn’t sticking around Cobourg, but I thought it was just something that people say, and never follow through with. She told me she had met a boy and he was awesome, good looking, funny blah blah blah. I was immediately wary of this bastard.

I mean, here was this pretty, sweet, naive girl from Nowhere, Ontario, and some slick talking, Yankee con man was going to promise her the world, then leave her to fend for herself. I already knew this guy in my mind. I’d seen his type before, and didn’t want my friend to get hurt. I, of course, voiced my opinion about how she doesn’t really know the guy and she should find a man closer to home, like Peterborough, but she paid me no heed.

Why would anyone leave?

Why would anyone want to leave?

She was actually my second real kiss, at a Y dance in grade eight, and it was awful, so that’s pretty much where the romance ended. I really had no idea what I was doing, because my first kiss was even worse, and no one ever thought to correct me. (Thanks, Andrea) I think we might have held hands once or twice after that, but I’m not too sure. I was pretty embarrassed.

So we stayed friends. Why wouldn’t we? She’s an amazing person with a great sense of humour, and that’s generally what I look for in a compadre, so it seems like a no-brainer to me. I also figured that if I was nice to her, she wouldn’t tell everyone that I move my head weird and keep my mouth open when I’m “necking”.

I’d talk to Krista the odd time when she was down there, and it always seemed crazy. One time it was 110ºF and she was driving a car with a broken air conditioner. She was just trying to keep moving so she wouldn’t die. Another time was when she was working at some ghost town attraction full of Japanese tourists, as a saloon whore*. I thought, She must really love this guy. That sounds like the the third ring of hell. She should just come home where it’s safe. 

She never did.

*She was just a pretend whore. You know, just for show.

I did, however, get down there a couple of times when I was trucking, and got a hold of Krista to say I would be going through Phoenix. She asked if I could stay for a while, and I called my boss. I was able to get a couple of days off for a visit, so I danced about merrily.

Now, I already had a pre-conceived image of what Adam was going to be like, and I was partly right. He was a pretty slick talker, but I quickly realised that it’s just how he talks. He wasn’t trying to sell me anything or prove something to me, he was just a fantastic guy that loved and adored my friend, and he was hustling his ass to make a better life for them. You can’t blame a fella for that, can you? I didn’t think so.

I remember the second time I was there. Adam gave me a couple of these really neat bells that he had just started selling. He was putting them together in the spare bedroom. I thought they were cool, and took them to give to my friends, Ted and Linda. They loved them and still have them after all these years.

Guardianbellad

My baby made this up. She’s more than just a pretty face.

At first, he was having them made at a foundry and assembling them at home while going to school to be a physical therapist. He had five original styles and would go to bike rallies and shops on the weekends to try and sell his bells and supplement their income.

The bells were a big hit, and now he has built his own foundry, employs a few full time people, including a mold maker extraordinaire, and is shipping bells out daily. He has also created over 150 different bell designs, pins, sunglasses holders, and zipper pulls, along with the custom work.

That’s right, you can get bells made for your company, organization, sex addicts anonymous group, or whatever. I’m really thinking about getting some CTT bells done up, if we ever turn a profit*. All of that, plus he has distributors all over the world now.

*Send your money to me.

Wow, someone that’s helping to sustain the economy with American-made products that put smiles on people’s faces. I looked for a downside to it, but other than a relatively minuscule bit of pollution from the mining process, there really isn’t one. They are a well-made product that injects money into the US economy. Not China. Not India. America. I’d be pretty proud of myself if I were him, because you guys know how I feel about keeping the money at home.

This one's for Seth. Be proud, brother.

This one’s for Seth. Be proud, brother.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten about Krista. She received her stock broker license, her Realtor license and pumped out a couple of beautiful, smart, and charming daughters. Her and Adam (who is also a licensed Realtor) have built up a successful real estate business and have bought and fixed up a few rental units that they maintain. If that’s not the definition of hard work and ingenuity paying off, I don’t know what is.

I have to tell you that it is one of my greatest joys to see people reap what they sow. Especially when it’s friends that have risked everything, and have been rewarded for it. No handouts, no silver spoons, just working your ass off and building your life from the ground up. That’s my definition of capitalism. Everyone wins. Even you.

Oh yeah. Adam and I worked out a deal, and he said I could give out some bells.

Look up in the top right corner of the blog and you’ll see the Slim Dyson banner is gone, and the new Guardian® Bell banner is up. Click on it, and go pick out the bell you want, because you could win it in the first post of every month. We are going to pick a random commenter* and they will get the bell of their choice sent out to them for free. You should also like their Facebook page, because they sometimes have specials, and you will get to see when they release new designs.

Alright. Go now. Check the stuff out. There is something for everyone. Get your freaky uncle the Prince Albert.

This is in the Sick and Twisted section. I know most of you will go there first.

It’s in the Sick and Twisted section. Most of you will go there first.

 

Feb 21

Malibu, Vegas, and Arizona.

mindofbirdman

After we finished the first part of our day, we toured down Sunset Blvd. to the coast and then headed up to Malibu. A delicious feed of Jack In The Box and a brisk walk on the pier got us thinking that we should drive to the other side and see Point Dume.

It's just like in movies. Except there wasn't people lining the sides with fishing rods.

It’s just like in movies. Except there wasn’t people lining the sides with fishing rods.

There were a few people fishing at the end, and I was surprised to hear that they catch sharks and halibut off of the pier when they’re in season. They were just catching perch when we were there, so not worth renting rods and all that. Continue reading

Feb 14

Who’s The Lucky Boy?

mindofbirdman

I have, for the most part, been with women that have great senses of humour. Generally speaking, they are the only ones who know how to take me. You see, I am a bit of a smart-ass and I don’t usually care what people think, so that sometimes makes for unpredictable dinner conversations. If you are stuffy and are worried about what your date will say, in front of people, I’m probably not your guy. I’ve been with a few ladies that thought they could clean me up and change me into some sort of man that suited their lives, but they couldn’t. I told them that from the start, they just didn’t believe me.

“Why did you have to make that joke about my parents having sex… right to them?”

“I’m betting they still have sex. Look at the way he looks at her. He’s totally diggin’ that ass. When did you become such a prude, anyhow?”

“Ugh, when are you going to quit saying shit like that?”

“I’m not. Why would you think I would stop it? I told you, I’m not going to change.”

And I’m not going to change. Not like that, anyways.

There was a quote by Albert Einstein that goes like this:

You're spot on, Al... Kinda.

You’re spot on, Al… Kinda.

That is true in a sense, except for the disappointed part. Continue reading

Feb 07

Pre-Hollywood!

mindofbirdman

IMG_1445

Yep. Totally did the tourist thing. Kind of had to, right? It’s not something we get to do every day.

We got into LAX on the Friday night, and got this

We wanted an Elantra, but this was the smallest car they had. Raul from Budget was amazing though. There's a guy that knows good customer service.

We wanted an Elantra, but this was the smallest car they had. Raul from the LAX Budget was amazing though. There’s a guy that knows good customer service.

We then went to Pasadena to get checked in to the hotel.

Again, the service was excellent and very friendly. The room was spotless and very comfortable.

Again, the service was excellent and the room was spotless and comfortable.

photo credit

We hit the fart sack shortly after arriving, because I had to drive to Sacramento to visit my Aunt and her delightful partner at 5:00 AM, and my baby had a shitty head cold from the day before. I, being excited, woke up at 4 and then lie awake until 4:20 when I decided that I might as well be productive and get a move on. Mrs. B had awaken by then, so that turned into a makeout session and I ended up not getting out until the planned time anyhow. Win-win, right?

I booked it up there in about six hours, what with the crazy traffic stopping CHP officer rescuing cars and the frequent coffee and pee breaks. When I got there it was fantastic. They have done such an amazing job with their property that my inner (and outer) granola was just buzzing with excitement. I only wish I had of taken some photos of the setup.

I’m going to try and recount the array of edibles that they have in their small yard, but I’m sure I will forget or add some things. I think there was lemons, limes, oranges, honey mandarins, grapefruit?, avocados, olives, figs (both kinds), and a vegetable garden. They have a few laying hens as well, so there is no shortage of eggs in the frying pan. In addition to the composting power of the chickens, they have a worm composter set up there as well. That’s so cool, and when I get mine, I think I’ll do the same sort of rig. I was going to hand make it, but this was really slick, and it had a spigot for the worm tea.

I love happiness.

I love happiness. I find it infectious.

Anyhow, I also got to meet Jan’s mother, and she was a pure delight. A nonagenarian that still has a good fire left in her soul, she just charmed the pants off of me. Not literally though, although she did say that she liked the look of me, and you know that always gets my eye twinkling.

I had a tour of the grounds, a beautiful steak sandwich, a beer, and a couple of coffees while I was visiting, and they also sent me on my way with some nice carved ham sandwiches and fresh fruit from their yard. I’d have to say that overall the visit was a great success, even though it wasn’t nearly long enough.

On my way back to Pasadena I stopped for a coffee in some little town. I instead found a sign saying “Mexican Chocolate”. Hmmmm.

“Hey Jorge. What’s Mexican Chocolate?”

“It’s chocolate to drink, with spices. It tastes good.”

“Okay, you sold me. Better give me a pack of those Tums too.”

He was right. That stuff was delicious. I didn’t see it again anywhere for the rest of the trip, but you can bet that I’ll be asking a certain sexy lesbian about it. wink wink, nudge nudge. You know who you are.

When I got back to the hotel, my sick baby was sleeping, and I was right behind her. I had to take her to her workshop in the morning, then go scout out Television City for TPIR on Monday.

Oh yeah, I went online and got us tickets for The Price Is Right. Why not? They’re free and there’s no obligation. Good thing too, because we didn’t go. I went there to see what we were up against during rush hour on a Monday morning. The guy told me that people start lining up for parking at around 5 AM. Then you stand in a line around the corner until people come out and choose the studio audience at around 8 or so. Really? Then if you win a prize, apparently you have to pay the tax on it.

Fuck that noise, most of those prizes suck anyhow. This is supposed to be a holiday and that sounds like a lot of work and headaches. I went to the Hollywood sign to see how hard it would be to hike in, and then I saw the horse ranch. I inquired about a ride the next day and they said there were lots of spots open. Yahoo! I then I decided to drive down Sunset Boulevard to the coast. It was cool. I don’t think Chuck Norris could have kicked the smile off of my face that day.

That wasn’t a challenge, Chuck.

I didn't get any fish.

I didn’t get any fish.

When I got to the coast highway I took a right and headed for the Malibu Surf Shack to see about booking some lessons. I talked to Sean there, and he was really friendly and helpful. He told me that if two of us went it would be $200 instead of $125 each. That would get us 1.5 hours of lesson and we could keep the gear for the rest of the day. I then decided to eat some Jack in the Box before I did anything else. I’m sorry, but we don’t get that stuff here. I played with the pigeons a bit at my table, then headed over to the pier. It was a bit chilly, and pretty windy, but I figured I’d check it anyhow.

The pretty girl in the shop there told me that the water was 55F, and I decided that I had better not put deposits on anything until I talk to my sick wife. Homey don’t play that.

I don’t mind cold water at all, but I know that she hates it, especially since she still had the dirty little head cold that one of you probably gave her. The chance of her even going in, let alone surfing for the day was pretty slim, so I just kept my green money in my wallet and headed back towards Santa Monica to catch the freeway back to meet my sweet, and maybe scarf down whatever Mongolian beef that she didn’t eat the night before.

We went to El Toreo for supper, and it was fabulous. It was a little hole in the wall Mexican place with 1950’s original decor. The US Presidents collection on the wall ended at Kennedy, so that should give you a hint.

Then we went to bed and I woke up with terrible heartburn from 2:30 until 4:00. I wonder why?

Anyhow, I guess I’ll cut this off here. I’ll be back tomorrow or Monday with stories about the fun day we had.

She drives real fast and she drives real hard, she’s the terror of Colorado Boulevard,

Birdman

Jan 22

One Breezy Berino

mindofbirdman

I got to have a delicious lunch today at Frenchies Deli, and the already delicious food was only heightened by my lunch companion. Yes, I’m talking about the great Jay Berino, of Flying Berino fame. It’s always nice when you get to meet one of your idols, but it’s even better when you realise that you really like them as well.

For those of you that don’t know, I’m talking about the greatest morning show host in the known world, or at least the stations I listen to. Yes, you guessed it, it’s Jay Sharp of The Big Breakfast on 107.9 The Breeze. He seemed like he wanted to leave, but I just kept talking, so he was never given the chance to bolt.

Seriously. All those things are on there... and more!

Seriously. All those things are on there… and more!

Anyhow, Jay has a sort of new blog on the station’s site, and he puts up some of his mischief and mayhem on the pages there. I highly recommend that you check it out, and maybe rub his back for him while you’re browsing around. There are all kinds of shenanigans that he’s posted, and you’ll also catch glimpses of the ravishing Rhianna C. Robins and the magnificent Megan P. Murphy in some very risque video clips. Continue reading