Can You Vote For My Dog/Baby/Story?


Nope. I sure won’t.

Come on, you all get the messages, don’t you?

“I really want to win this free photoshoot from PetPhotoPro, but I need 45 more votes to get past the current leader. Please go and vote for Sparky. Here’s the link http://??????????????????????????”


“I entered myself in a funny picture contest on so and so’s FB page to win a year’s supply of candles. WHO DOESN’T LOVE CANDLES? Please go and vote for ME so I can get all of those CANDLES!!!!!”

As far as I know, Kokimo has never done a stupid Facebook contest, but I thought I'd take the time to promote a local business that's had great success because of superior products.

As far as I know, Kokimo has never done a stupid Facebook contest, but I thought I’d take the time to promote a local business that’s had great success because of superior products.                             Image source:

It’s always something like that, where your friend, for whatever reason, needs you to go and like some fucking Facebook page that you really don’t give a shit about, just so you can vote on whatever the fuck the contest is about. I guess a $40 necklace is worth sacrificing your dignity. I probably shouldn’t say anything about that, because I was in Amway when I was 20, and I spent more money than I ever made, which was nothing, ever, but that’s a post in itself, so I’ll leave it at that.

With these things, it’s rarely ever someone saying, “Hey! There is a really funny story contest at ******’s Facebook page. You should go check it out and vote on your favourite one.”

The reason you don’t see that, is because people don’t give two flying fucks about winning a contest fair and square. They might at the start, but as soon as they are a few votes behind, they call on their friends to help. This assholery makes the other people in the contest get their friends to do the same, and the person who owns the page or business rubs their hands together greedily at all of the exposure they are getting. All at little or no cost to them, except for maybe a paltry amount of product or time.

It’s just fucking cheap, is what it is, but it obviously works.

I know this, because they keep fucking doing it and getting results. People play into it because they want a thing for free, and don’t care if they have to cheat to get it.

Image source:

Image source:

That’s right, I said it’s cheating. Unless, of course, the contest is for finding out who can talk the most people into selling their soul so that their friend can win a factory second rabbit vibrator.

If that’s the deal, then The Bloggess will win for sure. Jenny has the power to start the new Fight Club at her fingertips. If she asked 1000 people to vote for a photo of an ethically stuffed raccoon getting horn fucked by an ethically stuffed rhino (that would be pretty awesome) in Steve’s Photography Contest there will be 250000 votes the next day. Her people will do whatever she asks, because she mails out little balls of Afghani hash to random fans. (I might have made that up, but wouldn’t it be cool? I’d start hitting the bong again if that were the case.)

So even though she could win, do you ever see her asking you to go and vote for a cute picture of Hunter S. Thomcat on Corrina’s Scentsy page? No, you don’t, because she wouldn’t stoop that low (I hope she wouldn’t anyway. I haven’t actually done any research on it). No, not even if she was going to win a diffuser set. She could win, of that I’m sure. I don’t know anyone that could beat her in the game of internets, unless fucking Oprah, or any of her various asshole doctor, friends is on here. (No, I don’t mean proctologists.)

image source:

Remember hash? It was so smooth, unless you were toking it out of a bottle on the end of a Player’s Filter.                                     image source:

Like I said, it may be cheap, but it works. It works if we allow it to work, but I personally fight against it.

It’s futile, I know.

These things have always bothered me, but when I finally began to get pissed off, was when I started submitting posts to a weekly blogging challenge. The winners were decided by popular vote, and I thought that was a good way to do it, until I saw other bloggers going on their Facebook and Twitter to tell their friends and followers to go and vote for their post at the website. I’m sure that most of the people didn’t even go and read any other posts before they voted for their friend. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

“Oh Birdman, you’re just jelly that you ain’t got no friends to do that for you.”

Maybe. I wouldn’t ask them too though. I already know I’m not the best writer, and I wasn’t expecting to win anything, but I figured it was good to get my posts out in front of some different people. What pissed me off was when a new blogger would put up a quality post, but because he wasn’t in the clique, or didn’t pander to his friends to go and vote for him, he got beat out by a far inferior post. That happened twice, and he never posted again. I totally understood why, because I was getting discouraged too, but for different reasons.

I started altering the way I voted, to try and even things up. Instead of voting for my three favourites, I would vote for the best one, in my opinion, and then for two that I didn’t think would get many votes. That happened for a couple of weeks, and then I just quit. I didn’t like what I had started doing because of the way the contest was being played. It wasn’t everyone, by any means, but there were a couple, and that’s all it took.

I’ve voiced my opinion when asked why I won’t vote for someone, and sometimes I just offered it up for free.

“Don’t be a baby. It’s just for fun. Their page gets some hits; I get a prize; it’s no big deal. It’s just a silly contest.”

Not to me it’s not. It represents something more. It’s not that I believe in always following rules. I don’t. I do believe in something though. Call it honour, integrity, or standards, but it’s something that our society lacks now, and we need to get it back. Soon.

This goes far deeper than blogging challenges or silly little Facebook contests. It leeches out to every other pore in our fucked up lives. Our business and personal practices, our education systems, and worst of all, our governments. We’ve lost the ability to think for ourselves, because someone smarter will do it for us. There is a huge flaw to allowing others to do our thinking though. It’s that everything will be done in their interest. Everything.

Anyhow, enough doom and gloom for today. I had another 700 words written about how the government needs to get rid of lobbyists, but I’ll inject that some other time. I could have published this much earlier, but I was up all fucking night researching and writing, so I ended up with at least three more blog posts about this shit. It’s never ending, which is good, I guess.

Inhale, exhale, I just got a house in the mail,


P.S. We got the year end blog rundown if you wanted to check out some stats. It’s pretty cool that Jetpack does these up for us WordPressers. I have had experience with Blogger a bit, and even though I am a bit of a Google freak, I would never leave WordPress for them. I love the support I have, between them and GoDaddy, and I thought that I should take a second to thank them for making this year so fun and interesting. Anyhow, here’s the stats, and I’ll be back to a normal schedule on Monday, hopefully.

 Change The Topic’s 2012 in review

Thank you all for being here. I’m truly humbled.

18 thoughts on “Can You Vote For My Dog/Baby/Story?

  1. I kind of get where you are coming from – but I’ve seen some previously unknowns hit a challenge with a great well written story and walk away with a well deserved win.

    And if it wasn’t for challenges, I wouldn’t have found this blog or be following it looking for more stories of your childhood so I can feel a bit better about my asshats.

    Seriously – who smokes something that looks exactly like a turd nugget?

    • Oh, I’m not knocking challenges. I’m knocking the people who tell their friends to vote for them, even though they may not have a great story. Then, someone with a really great story doesn’t get the recognition they deserve, because somebody had more friends come and vote for them. As for smoking turd nuggets…
      We rolled up mouse shit and gave it to a guy that kept bothering us. He got high. :S

  2. I hear ya! Someone on my FB actually sent hate mail to the friends who didn’t vote for his damn dog in some stupid contest. Such a weird psychology. I don’t get it. As far as blogging contests ya it is difficult when friends just go vote for friends without even reading anything. I recall reading about one blogging contest that sets it up so it’s anonymous which I thought was brilliant. I just can’t remember.the name.of the damn contest. Ahh f#%k it Birdman. You enter anything and I am going straight there to vote for ya! Can’t beat em join em! Lol!!

    • Haha, yeah, I go in Yeah Write now, if I go in any. They usually are judged by the editors, so it’s far less biased. Sometimes they are voted on, but usually just on holidays. I guess even editors need days off. Thanks for the vote of support. You know it’s always appreciated.

  3. I remember Hash, it was smooth till it was all gone and you were left hooting the burning tea towel your friend was holding the knives with.

  4. First of all, that is a pretty nifty way to view your stats. Congrats on crushing Jay-Z.

    Anyway, I have certainly used my blog in that manner. I tried to help my niece win a “cutest baby” contest to try to get my sister and brother-in-law some new Halloween decorations for their already-massive display. In all honesty, though, it was mainly a way for me to show off how cute my niece is on my blog.

    As far as the contest thing is concerned, that was one of my main concerns with Dude Write before we even started… and frankly the reason we started it in the first place… because I was frustrated with a similar contest that I felt rewarded the most popular blog with the most followers.

    It is just really tricky, though. On one hand you want the participants to proudly promote their work, thus hopefully bringing more readers to the contest and to the other participants. But on the other hand, such promotion will undoubtedly bring more votes to the popular blogs because they have more voters. It is wildly frustrating, especially when super-killer-badass posts from bloggers with fewer followers get completely overlooked.

    Anyway, we changed things up so that there is a popular vote winner and now a winner that is decided by participant votes (as well as the editor picks, which are totally unbiased). Hopefully it helps to even things out, but it can still be frustrating.

    • Yeah, I did vote for your niece once. Only because she really was the cutest, you’ve always been very supportive of me, and it wasn’t something that you actually sent me a message for. I usually do go and vote for people, but I vote for the one I like best. It’s not a laziness thing or anything like that. I know that you never picked a post that wasn’t worthy, because you don’t lack integrity. You have that shit in spades, but a lot of people don’t, or didn’t. It wasn’t even about me, because I just liked getting more eyes on the blog, it was just a fairness in general.

  5. I’ll tell you, Birdman, from the point of view of a contest holder, you just can’t win no matter what you do.

    See, when we first did our Missing Link contest many moons ago, we decided we’d pick the funniest entry. No bullshit, no popularity contests, no favoritism. People send us their entries, and we pick the funniest/most creative one. And we did. It truly was the funniest and exceeded our expectations in every way. And you know what all of the people who didn’t win thought?

    Those guys must really hate me. I thought we were “friends.” Fuck them.

    So when we did our Slim Dyson contest recently, we said fuck that, we’re going to let the people vote for a winner. Democracy at its finest, and no one can accuse us of favoritism. And then… it became a huge popularity contest with people posting on Facebook “go vote for my story now because I want to win!!!”

    So really, as a contest holder, you just can’t win. Sure, democracy sucks and just becomes a popularity contest, but if you decide the winner yourself, then a lot of your so-called “friends” are going to be pissed off that you didn’t just choose them out of “courtesy.”

    Fuck it. Pass me some of that hash. At first glance, I thought it was cookie dough. Wait… do you have cookie dough hash?

    • Yeah, we are all a bunch of babies. I would trust your choice though. I don’t remember any contest for Link though, but I might not have been reading you guys back then. I missed the post for this contest because of a huge backup in my reader, (aka: laziness), but it was pretty cool, and I would have thrown in an entry for something like that. It would have been a collaboration with Smarty, of course.

      As for the hash, I would totally start smoking for cookie dough hash… or eating. Whatever I need to do to get that shit in my belly.

  6. I liked that you used Jenny (my idol – swoon) as an example. You hit the nail on the head.

    I am guilty of gathering up my 900 friends (yeah, I have more friends than you because I am cooler) and getting them to vote for me and, yes, I see where you are coming from. However, I was just ensuring what I already knew — I am the absolute BEST! 🙂

    That said, Dude Write has switched up their voting methods – which I think is for the best… though, I don’t participate that much these days.

    Anywho – good post, you big baby.


    Me and You.

    Motherfucking Montreal!!!!

    • You are the epitome of whore, and the main reason for this post, but I would be honoured to get fucked up with you in Montreal, as long as there are strippers, homemade coke, and guns involved. Or the Just For Laughs festival. That would be cool.

  7. “You just jelly Birdman. You just jelly.”


    I totally get it. I don’t like when people ask me things like that. I will usually go vote, but then they will ask me to RT or post about it, then it gets too much for me…

    I am jelly, though, cause I really ain’t got no friends…unless Nyquil counts as a friend then yeah I got one.

    • Haha, I wish I could afford Nyquil. I have to buy the store brand night time cold and flu syrup. It’s still green, so you know it works. As for friends, You’ve got me, and I’m big enough to be two small friends.

  8. From someone who has gotten numerous “go vote for my baby/pet/hangnail/insert some other thing here” emails, I can say that it is annoying. Depending on what it is, I may or may not go vote. If I have to sign up to some account to actually vote, then it most likely ain’t happening. I’m too lazy for that shit and I don’t need anymore junk mail coming down the pipes.

    It is sad to hear about the blogging challenge and how some of the newbies got discouraged. Did you start following any of those folks’ blogs? Maybe you could be an advocate for them and do a post linking to their blogs…?

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