I got a request the other day to put into words the feeling of the male orgasm. While I can’t speak for every man, I can describe what’s going through my tiny man-brain, and also what’s going through my regular man brain.
I’ve decided to add photographs of myself in different levels of orgasm, and while you might be telling yourself (and others) that sex with me must be pretty boring if my beautiful wife is able to take photographs whilst in the throes of passion. Well, I’d like to point out that she’s a fucking professional (Notice the play on words?). She is able to take herself out of the scene, and focus on the task at hand. Sure the task at hand is sometimes reading, taking her contacts out, or sleeping, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that she is always eager to help me to put out the most professionalinane blog posts known to humans.
Whatever it takes. Right, Baby?
I’ve also decided to describe the facial expressions from my soul mate, life partner, and voice of reason, but only because I kept dropping the camera while trying to get the pictures I needed. After I dropped the 5D on her forehead, and then my Android in her eye (She made me use the lightest camera we have after I put the dent in her melon), she decided that I wasn’t strong enough to carry out this manoeuvre, and I would have to “suck it up” and quit wasting her time. Hey, I have a bad shoulder, and it’s really hard to hold myself up with my left. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE!
Okay, I’m sorry. Let’s get back on topic. I’m going to describe a non-Cialis, above-average orgasm. I would love to tell you about average orgasms, but I just don’t have them anymore.
First off, there is the cocooning that prequels the actual act, and then there is “The Mount”
Oh my god. I’m really going to have some sex. Oh wow, it’s really happening…
Yes, it’s true. No matter how many times I have sex, it’s always a shock when someone wants to have it with me.
Oh wow!!! My penis is not touching the air anymore.
Right now I’m in heaven, even though it looks like Mike Tyson has just punched me in the head. There is a sense of conquest, like no matter what happens from now on, I can honestly say I was hitting it.
Oh no. Why do I always think it’s longer than it is? Bad bending. BAD BENDING!
It’s true, sometimes I take a much longer stroke than physics will allow. The feeling on the down stroke is intense pain and dread, but I must press on because if I think about it, I will surely run out of “steam” and have to wait 20 minutes or so for the “enhancer” to kick in.
And again. I don’t know how I keep forgetting it’s not 10 inches long. I blame porn.
Don’t even say it.
Aaaaaand I’m back.
This is the point where the feeling comes back to my penis and I realize that I have probably done irreparable harm by my last course of action. It is a sense of relief, because although no one like pain down there, it’s better than thinking you will have no feeling at all because of the nerve damage incurred from constant power bending.
Oh yeah, the tingly feeling is coming. God, I sure do love the tingly feeling.
It’s kind of like it says. The tingly feeling is nigh, and there is a rush of emotions on it’s way. It’s right about now that I may start imagining another sexy lady rubbing my back or whispering in my ear. They usually say something like “You look so fucking hot when you bang her. I wish I could join in.” or “Don’t you worry about her, I’m going to jump in as soon as you’re done and I don’t want her all used up when I get there.”
That usually leads to my next face, which goes something like this.
I know it looks painful. Don’t worry, it’s not.
“I’M WINNING” or “THIS FEELS FANTASTIC” or a really poor imitation of Chewbacca’s yell are some of the things you might hear if you see that face. It is a euphoric, energy blast of pent up rage, happiness, angst, love, and hate. There is no equal to it that I’ve ever felt. I suspect that winning the lottery would be better, but only because you know that you’ll be having so many mind-shattering orgasms, now that neither of you ever have to think about working again. Near the end of this rush is an impending feeling of pure joy and intense love.
“Oh my god, did you see that? That was awesome. Huh? Oh sure I can get you another memory card. Well, I’m done though. Do you want to take mo… Yeah, I finished. Okay, I love you. Good night, Baby.”
Followed immediately by:
“I’m going to go and finish my blog post now. I’ll see you in the morning. Yeah, I can hand you that. Do you want the plug in one?”
After this I will usually throw a high five out there for the love of my life. She is usually preoccupied with texting or trying to not set her book in the wet spot, but once in a while she returns it with a smile. Those are the moments that I live for.
Later on, I may do a post about the other male orgasm. That’s if I can talk my lady into documenting me while I masturbate to internet porn. For now, this will have to suffice.
But every time the bell would ring, you’d catch me playing with my ding-a-ling,
Birdman
Well … I can’t UNSEE everything I just saw … so excuse my while I go pour battery acid in my eyes.
It feels like I just had sex with you.
Well, I wouldn’t use the word “just”. It was weeks ago.
I have never laughed so hard at anyone before. Except for maybe that night I had smoked a little too much. Too funny. Wish I could unsee all of the pictures but it wouldn’t be as funny without them.
we’re all about the funny. Well, and the inappropriate.
I love you Birdman but really,,,, TMI!! TMI!!
NEVER!
Thank you, Birdie for fulfilling my request complete with pictures I shan’t soon forget. I’m still not sure you were successful in describing the physical feeling of the common, everyday male orgasm though. You were probably too busy enjoying one.
I probably would have just said it starts with an intensely pleasurable “charlie horse” below the belt followed by dry heaves. But that’s just me.
Well, you’re welcome, good sir. I’m maybe too much of a giver, and your version would require less photography. Maybe that’ll be the version I send to Reader’s Digest. I look forward to your next request.
Holy hahahhahaha. I cannot, will not send this to my husband. Okay, sending to my husband. This takes a few cakes.
Send away, and make sure he tells all of his friends too. 🙂
Someone has to say this…. YOU ARE FUCKED UP!!! lmao Thanks for the chuckles but really the visuals were not necessary!!!
Fucked up is kind of harsh. I prefer the term “socially and emotionally challenged”.
First I laughed because this post got caught in the “porn filter” at my office. Then once I got it on my phone I laughed because this is just so awesome. Amazingly well done.
Why thank you. I appreciate that. Mostly I appreciate being filtered at work. I have the blog set for 18+, so I’m glad that works. I don’t know if you noticed, but this isn’t for kids.
Ummm… I’m speechless… And laughing really hard because this was both hilarious and WFTMI (Way fucking too much information). Which means that I loved it and never want to see it again at the same time. Brilliant!
Close your eyes as you share then. Seriously, thank you so much for the comment.
HAHAHA. Love them. She must be one SPECIAL lady though.. because… wow.
Mmmmmm, tingly.
Who doesn’t like tingly? I know I do, and you’re right, she’s fairly special. Not the special, like the classes I took in Jr. High.
Hahahha well. I’m uncomfortable. How about that.
Yayyyyy! My plan worked.
Sometimes when you post things, I die a little inside…
🙂 Kidding…LOVE you! 🙂
You get to be on top tonight. Lucky girl.
Good LORD!
He was actually not present at the event. Odd, seeing as he claims to be everywhere.
If this is your way of gettin’ kinky then you go for it!! You wife is my idol! 😉
That’s weird, because just yesterday she was saying the same about you. Maybe I’ll finally get that threeway that I’ve always wanted.
hmmm. frightening, yet i couldn’t look away.
i see a coffee table book….
Do you have a publishing company? I have several more ideas where this came from.
Thank you. I have often wondered what’s going through The Hubster’s tiny and regular sized brains during this moment. And now I have an idea. Now, I’m just praying to some higher deity that the next time he’s schlupping me I don’t picture you…
You will. It’s inevitable. Keep the lights on.
Oh hell. Well. Thanks for ruining my sex life.
Oh my.
Well, now I feel like I should buy you (and your wife) dinner and a drink with all the intimacy flying around this place!
Haha!
You get points for creativity, that’s for sure. 😉
Thanks. Let us know when you are in the area and we’ll take you up on that. 😉
Whoa. Now I am forever speechless. I can’t unsee any of it either. Are you brave or crazy? Either way, good for you because you are having fun and that is simply fabulous.
Mostly crazy, and yes we have as much fun as the Canadian government will allow without a license. Cheers.
Clearly, I am doing something wrong….
Oh, I don’t know, Bill. Maine isn’t too far away. If you guys are ever up this way, we could compare notes.
You fucker, after witnessing that, I have to start smoking again.
Seriously? Why would you ever quit? Don’t you live in Manitoba or some shit?
Isn’t tingly everyone’s goal? I’ve never read any of your posts before. TMI…Maybe. I have a weirdly wired brain for a woman, I fear. I was thoroughly entertained once (especially?) I realized the pictures were going to be a part of the total gig! Props, dude!!! P.S. Love that special lady of yours for taking one for the team on your behalf 😉 and working the camera!
Oh I think tingly is amongst everyone’s goals at some point. I just gave her a high five and a Coke Zero from you. She said “Thanks, Gina”, and she hopes you pronounce it like “(va)Gina”. Well, that was maybe all from me.
UNSEE! UNSEE! And I’m not sitting here going, “Great. Yet another blog post about wang correlation and sex faces.” This is memorable and creative. So you’ve got that going for you. Which is nice.
I should have maybe called it “Wang Correlation and Sex Faces”. Do you think it would go viral if I changed it? LOL
You are hilarious. And I thought I was pushing the limits at yeah write this week! You, dear sir, win the brazen award. Two thumbs up back.
Thanks, but where are the two thumbs going up back of? Now I have to find your blog over there. This is a bit overwhelming.
Surprisingly, this post did NOT get caught in the porn filter on our proxy server here at work. Does that mean it wasn’t really porn? Maybe it would have gotten caught if you’d been getting paid for doing it. Unless Mrs Birdman paid you….. although I’m not sure I can imagine that. I think I need to add your blog to my list of must-reads.
Oh, she pays me in several different ways. One is by not divorcing my ass. I strangely enough DO recommend this blog for your must reads, but only because you aren’t in my family. They are forbidden.
That was quite an introduction to your blog. I’m not sure if I can summon the courage to read other posts. Maybe a bit too much info… I refer to the photos, funny though they are. However, I do enjoy your well-honed sense of humor. You are one lucky dude to have persuaded your wife to marry you. 🙂
I totally agree with you about me being lucky, and maybe this post will assuage your fears. It’s of the most beautiful day of my life. https://changethetopic.com/humor-2/i-dont-know-where-to-start/
You. are. insane. But I think I may have learned a thing or two so… thanks? Anyway, buddy, its FAMILY FREE MONTH. I think you were writing about “banging” a family member, so no fair! But I guess if you interpreted FFM as “no kids looking at blog posts” this was the most opportune time for your post. Anyway, you’re crazy and hilarious. I read most of this with my mouth agape!
Ah, I was actually unaware of that rule. I thought it was that the subject couldn’t be family. I didn’t realize that it couldn’t have family in it. I apologize, and to make up for it, I’m going to start emailing my story to random children and the elderly. That should make sure I’m punished for my insolence. BTW, can you bail me out when I inevitably get arrested? Thanks in advance, and thanks for setting me straight. 😉
That was abso-fucking-lutely hilarious. Ah the suffering for your art. Or blog. Or whatever. Your wife is a saint.
Thank you very much, and strangely enough, my saintly wife was the only one suffering. Probably since she met me.
Oh.My.God. I’m dying here. This is my first time on your blog and what a doozy of a post! Your wife is something else and deserves whatever she asks for after those shots. I kind of still can’t believe you actually did this. Way to push the limits. I’m still laughing!
Thank you, I really appreciate that, and how much my lady puts up with my sorry ass. I didn’t realize I was pushing any limits until I started reading comments. Good thing, because I might have chickened out.
When you bring it, you bring it! Great post… and, uh, very educational. 🙂 I loved it!
Strangely enough, I hadn’t thought anything had been brung. These type of posts rarely get many viewers, and definitely not this many commenters. I’m a bit taken aback, and overwhelmed by all of it. I’m happy, just surprised. Oh, and thank you.
Inappropriate!! And hilarious!! I hope I never meet you or your wife, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. BTW, this is not the blog post one should be reading and laughing at when one’s child comes to ask what’s for dinner. “What are you reading, Mom?” (trying not to guffaw) “Umm…an article…” (guffaw).
It’s about time they learn, and learning should be fun. I can edit out the few swear words if it helps.
OMG this was exactly like a car wreck that you know you shouldn’t watch but you can’t stop looking. In fact, I had to stop my car, hit it in reverse, and watch the whole damn thing again. Well done! Loved that you “put it out there”.
I’ve actually put it lots of places, but they don’t always turn out as good as this. I should also mention that when you backed up, you ran over my leg. It left a mark.
It was very awkward when my husband walked in as I was reading a blog post with pictures of a naked man. It’s prompted an interesting discussion. 🙂
Did he concur that it was accurate? I always wonder these things.
Oh my god. Really funny in an uncomfortable ‘is he for real?’ kind of way. Disturbing 🙂
Uncomfortable, how? Like when your aunt tries to finger you, or like when your butt sweats and sticks your cotton underwear to it on a vinyl seat at a diner?
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Whoa – can’t wait to see what other ideas you come up with! This was genius! And hilarious. And f-ing unreal. Debating whether or not to send this to my husband? If this weren’t you, would you want your wife to send it? The comments are almost as funny as your post. Almost. Here’s to more orgasms all around!
Yes, share it’s glory with the world. Could you give yourself a hug from me as well?
Damn, what a shitload of comments! Congratulations!
Though I’m a bit confused by all the comments about wishing to UNSEE this. I thought it was great; funny and interesting. Then again, I may be as socially and emotionally challenged as you. (shrugs)
I think you may have me beat, but not by much. Nice to see you’re still about. I get worried now that things are getting freaky in your world. Exciting, but freaky.
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