What Have I Done To Myself?

mindofbirdman

Seriously. I’m a mess, and have been since these holidays have started. The kids have gone south with their dad, and we thought that we would just wallow in our sadness while laying in bed and maybe watch some movies. I got the LOTR trilogy from the girls, and Mrs. B hasn’t seen it, so this seemed like the perfect time to enlighten her.

It was damn tasty. Click here for the photo credit.

It was damn tasty. Click here for photo credit.

The kids left on the 22nd and on the 23rd we had one of my many family dinners. That was filled with amazing food, my family, whom I love, and possibly a few beer followed by a coffee with my new love: Rum Cream. I think Lisa told me where it came from, but I don’t really remember, so I’m going to say Jamaica. It was a wonderful night, and I was glad to see my mom’s side of the family get together, because I missed last year, but I ate and drank far too much, and spent the night and next day eating Pepto and Zantac sandwiches.

The 24th was spent getting ready for the birthday of the Christ child with baking delicious cookies (I didn’t help), and making the ultimate dip (I chopped the onion and garlic). We took that to Mom’s and went up to Dad’s, where we were assaulted by a flurry of amazing food particles. There were meatballs, lasagna, garlic bread, and a bevy of hors d’oeuvres. I, of course ate too much, and then went back to Mom’s and ate a bunch more.

I can’t help myself. It’s not my fault that everyone makes such excellent food, or is it? I don’t know what makes me think I need to try everything that is offered, but I do. I guess it’s a curse, albeit not a very bad one.

Christmas breakfast was at Dad’s, then to my MIL’s for an always succulent afternoon and evening with my entertaining as hell inlaws. Mrs. B’s mom is an accomplished fattener upper of already too chubby men, and this Christmas was no different. I indulged maybe a bit too much, especially when it came to dessert. Come on, pecan pie AND cherry cheesecake? how do you say no to that?

From there it was over to my sister’s for yet another family visit, and an after dinner munch on goodies. By then I was feeling quite poorly, so I went home and did a lot of groaning and whining about how much of a pig I am.

I'm pretty sure vegans can eat this. It sure doesn't look like meat.

I’m pretty sure vegans can eat this. It sure doesn’t look like meat.

Boxing day morning was a bit uncomfortable, but I was able to function long enough to make us some eggs and such. We had to pick up some things in town and then go visit four of the people on our favourite friends list. We figured we should have a quick lunch, so we grabbed some filthy McDonalds and ate it on the way. I actually didn’t mind the taste of the burger, and wondered if they had changed their formula. It turns out that they got rid of the pink slime that had everyone so worked up, and I’m not sure if that was it, but it seemed to taste better to me.

After stopping in to the twin boy factory, we went out to the rez, where we were served some of the fanciest treats that I’ve had the pleasure of consuming. Wash that down with some huge belly laughs, a walk through some late 80s yearbooks, and some lessons on how to be a good racist, and you’ve got a recipe for a great night out. The handful of cold beer didn’t hurt either. We really had a great time, and it was totally worth watching my lady drive home in a snowstorm to get a chance to catch up with some good people.

Fast forward to 5:26 AM on the 27th. I am throwing up some sort of a thick, dark brown/black sludge until my eyes hurt and then I brush my teeth and go back to bed for a few more hours. When I got up, I felt a lot better, and agreed to lunch with Vanilla Thunder and The Dumpster Jumper. It was a fabulous lunch, as always, at The Golden Rooster, and then we came back to the house for a visit. As soon as there was room, I ate a few of the bacon, egg, and cheese crescent rolls that I made from something that Tracie at Crack You Whip shared on Pinterest (don’t judge me), and drank a couple of sody pops.

Mmmmmmm. These were probably much better than mine.

These were probably much better than mine.

It was discovered that we were all thinking of going to see This Is 40, so we decided to go together. A large popcorn with two extra butter, plus a few snuck in pops later, and I was feeling pretty much dead from the mind, down. Luckily the movie was the right amount of crude humour and hilarity, so it kept my mind off of my rumbling guts.

PaulI was up half the night making bathroom runs and vowing to treat my body better, for a few days at least. I have been eating real meats and vegetables, with very little processed food, and I feel fantastic. Well, except my shoulder that I managed to fuck up before xmas. I think there is a visit to Dr. Paul in my immediate future, because he is the only one that seems to get to the root of the problem with the greatest of efficiency. Brutal, violent, painful efficiency. I may be exaggerating a bit, but it’s kind of like an abusive relationship or something. He keeps telling me that he likes me, but he has to hurt me because I bring these problems on myself. I would find him more believable if he wasn’t always grinning when he cripples me.

Okay. I am possibly a bit of a baby.

Happy new year, Fuckers

we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet, for auld lang syne,

Birdman

P.S. Check out last year’s NYE party. It was fun and contained occurrences of the “C” word. Don’t worry, it’s in the video part, and maybe one picture. You can still read it though. Just pretend it’s with a “K”.

And, because there’s no one to kick me out, I’m linking up with Yeah Write this week. Check out all the great writers there. I’m sure one or two of them overate too.

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32 thoughts on “What Have I Done To Myself?

  1. Just reading this made me want to heave my guts. I too overindulged throughout the holidays, but when your mom or grandma hands you a plate of food the size of a small nation, you don’t turn it down. You just don’t. You eat it until you’re sick, and then when that sickness subsides, even just a little, you go back for seconds.

    Happy New Year, and cheers to a kickass 2013!

  2. I am feeling sick from just hearing about all the food you ate. Blah!

    But I am glad you had a most excellent Christmas. I hope New Years treats you much the same way.

    Kiss your beautiful wife for me at midnight. Maybe slip in a little tongue.

    Love you both!

  3. I feel your pain dude.
    My husband and I had vowed to get the junk out of the house this fall and get back moving and we were doing good. The junk was out, we were exercising 30-45 min a day, blah blah blah, feeling good. Then this shitty holiday rolls around.

    Now normally I would fill the stockings with candy, that’s been the tradition growing up in my “less than svelte” family, but this year I said “were not doing chocolate in the stockings”. There, I put my foot down.

    So when he handed me the brightly wrapped package Christmas morning that was 4 ft long and weighted roughly 10 lbs and it had that telltale triangular shape (your mind was like “it’s a dick in a box”, seriously what woman could handle 4ft, really, c’mon!) The bastard gave me a fuckin’ 10lb Toblerone! He is not allowed in Costco unattended anymore.

    Oh well, since the diet is already screwed I am totally gonna try Tracie’s crescent roll recipe.

    L’Chaim
    to you and your family this New Years Eve.

    Kathy

  4. Happy New Year! And happy new gut!

    Your holidays sound well feasted and fun — yay!

    My secret for weight control over the holidays (I gained only 1 pound)? Twin toddlers. They make eating hell because they climb all over you and steal your food or they pre-chew it and spit it onto your plate and even though they are my own babies I don’t eat pre-chewed food. Or the food it lands on.

  5. I’m still trying to grasp how I gained SIX pounds between December 20 and January 1. How is that even mathematically possible? What.the.fuck.

    I am eating some ice cream while I ponder this mystery.

  6. It’s so funny, whenever I overindulge at the holidays and I’m so stuffed I can’t see straight, I always think that I won’t eat anything ever again, as I’ll have no desire for food. But somehow, I am always hungry again and happy to indulge the next time! Sick and sad is what it is.

  7. Time to start the couch25K.

    I got my first honest-to-God sex injury over the holidays, so I beat you in the debauchery department, I’m pleased to report.

    HAPPY NEW YEAR, BIRDS.

  8. Ack!! And I thought I ate horribly over the holidays. Thanks for making me feel a little bit (not much, mind you) better about myself.

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