Yep, the date is fast approaching. We are quite good for time, I think. Well, Mrs. Birdman is, I should say. I just kind of sit there and nod. It’s all too much for me to understand. I can’t figure out why things have to be so complicated, and so detailed.
I’m trying to figure out my vows right now. I have to write out a scene, in which we have a mock vow thing, but I really have no clue as to how these things go. I want to do it with my own flair, but that might be too offensive to say, “I promise to try and sweep up the dog hair every day, if you promise to give me oral three times a week.”.
Of course I’m joking. That’s worth oral every day, but what I’m getting at is that not many of my family members are going to see the humour in it.
Another thing that I’m afraid to bring up is that I want to tie a wagon to Blue’s collar, and have him pull my niece down the aisle, while she spreads the flower petals. I know she’s going to bring up the fact that Blue will take off, and that a little girl will end up going ass over tea kettle into the pond or something. Yeah, maybe that could happen, but it’s what life jackets are for, isn’t it?
We went to look at the barn yesterday, and it’s pretty nice. The people are accommodating, so that’s a big plus. They do have a pond, so we will have to keep an eye on kids. I hate being a spoilsport about it, but I really don’t think that kids should be around weddings, after the ceremony, when the booze starts to flow. I know it’s a pain in the ass for people, but we are well known for our lack of responsibility when we are drunk. Seriously, I wouldn’t want the girls, or my nephews to know some of the extremely fun shit I’ve done, only because it was fucking dangerous. Shooting fireworks at each other, brawling, jumping out of speeding boats is not very smart at all. Fun, but not very smart.
I’ve been to some pretty rough weddings before, and I don’t think that those levels of tomfoolery should be unveiled to children. A few of you will remember a wedding dance at the ——- arena that ended with a few people in the hospital. One with a broken head, and the other with stab wounds. Countless other receptions have ended up with fights or other forms of idiocy, and I myself have seen stripping, oral sex, and drug use, at weddings, just to name a few.
Now, I’m not saying that these are bad things to happen at a wedding dance, I’m just saying that kids shouldn’t be exposed to them until they are at least twelve, so we are asking everyone to have their children gone by around ten. I think that’s quite fair, because I don’t want to be the one to explain why Uncle Mike was fixing that lady’s underwear with his teeth. Do you?
So play the Cotton-Eyed Joe, for the folks don’t ya know, leave the dogs in the truck, til’ you leave,
P.S. What’s the craziest shit you’ve seen/done at a wedding?