Well, I Guess It’s Time For A Refresher

mindofbirdman

STOP FUCKING CLICKING SHIT IN FACEBOOK!

For fuck sake, start using your brain for more than watching Duck Dynasty and Honey Boo Boo. There is a steady stream of articles on how stupid we are becoming, and you lazy bastards aren’t even trying to prove them wrong. Way to go, Evolution.

Where are we going to go, Stephanie? You are taking me, right?

Where are we going, Stephanie? You are taking me, right?

1. Southwest Airlines is not giving you any fucking free tickets on Facebook. End of story. They probably will give you some free tickets if you miss a flight or something because of their screw up, or because your dad is a pilot with them and his family flies everywhere for free, but not because your asshole friend clicked on an asshole link on an asshole social media site and sent an asshole message to everyone on his friends list. Delete those friends.

Now!

What's that Timmy? You want to live? Oh, so sorry, but you only hit 380,874 likes. God doesn't pay attention to anything under a mill.

What’s that Timmy? You want to live? Oh, sorry, but you only hit 380,874 likes. God doesn’t look at anything under a mill.

2. Facebook likes can’t buy body parts. I wish they could. I’d love another 2 inches. Of height, you fucking perverts. They also can’t keep dogs from dying in a fighting ring, but do you know what can?

Yep, you guessed it, it’s tweets. If you tweet enough times that you don’t like pit fighting, it will put an immediate end to lowlife assclowns making their dogs fight for fun and profit. Give your fucking head a shake.

Jesus, they're right, I can't think of one.

Jesus, they’re right, I can’t think of one.

3. Anything that tells you to guess something, like, share or comment on a picture to “see what happens”, or find a 2 on a page full of 1s, is playing you for a fool, and a lot of you are letting them. Do you really think you are pulling one over on them and showing your intellectual dominance when you type in “HOCKEY! Duh…”?

No, you aren’t. They say that it’s hard so that you will feel superior and let everyone know how smart you are. There are hundreds of sports that don’t have an “A” in them. Same as towns without an “O”, colours without an “I”, and synonyms for semen without a “Z”. Ummm hello, skeet, stupid.

Okay, that last one isn’t really a thing, but it will be by the time this posts. Seriously though, these people are “like, comment, and share harvesting” and when they get a whole bunch of “likers” they will sell the page to a company and the name will be changed and that company will have an already full advertising base to market their product to.

Please don’t give in to them.

I hope not all of you share it though, because $5000 x a billion is a little more than I have on hand.

I hope not all of you share it though, because $5000 x a billion is a little more than I have on hand.

4. Really? When I see this shit I seriously want to go kitten stomping at the person’s house that shared it. It’s usually followed by an “It can’t hurt.” or an “You never know. It might be true.”, or some other line of hopeful bullshit.

First off there’s the math. Bill Gates has a net worth of 67 billion dollars and Facebook has a billion active users in a month. If he liquidated everything he owned, he could last maybe a month giving away $100 to people, but $5000? Once a few people got their cheque, the number of active accounts sharing it would be astronomical.

Second of all, you might wonder why Bill Gates, the owner of Microsoft, would choose Facebook over say, Hotmail, Live Messenger, or even Socl, Microsoft’s own social networking site. He wouldn’t. Who the fuck just gives random competitor’s clientele huge sums of money? If you think that there was even a remote chance of this, you have a plastic diorama for a brain. You need to delete me right now, because I’m calling you stupid and you don’t want to be friends with a judgemental asshole.

We just need some more likes and shares. Come on. No one knows who we are, or what an iphone is. Please like us. Pleeeeease.

We just need some more likes and shares. Come on. No one knows who we are, or what an iphone is. Please like us. Pleeeeease.

5. Apple is not going to go on Facebook and just give out iphones to any fucking yahoo that comments and shares. Do you think they are having a hard time selling these things? No. They could pledge to kill a Cambodian national after every sale and they would still sell enough to have a genocide party at Angkor Wat, with Cambodia owing a few hundred thousand first round draft picks for when China moves in to fill the textile factories.

Even if Apple was going to, do you think they would make a Facebook page with 171 likes, call it Apple iphone #5 Give-away, and put up a photo of some iphone boxes on a cheap, laminate floor? Of course they would. What better way to disguise one of the richest corporations in the world, than with a shitty cellphone photo and a freshly made page?

If you want to see what some of the harm that this behaviour can cause, take a look at this article about these data miners on the old FB. I think you’ll be surprised at how they are using your “like-ability” to make a tidy little profit.

Ah fuck it. I give up. I’m so fucking tired of hiding friends from my news feed, I almost start sharing it with everyone, just to fit in. You know. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, right? Something to think about.

Ha, I’m just kidding. I would have nothing to gripe about then. I’m just glad that Facebook made the “hide from newsfeed” option and I don’t have to delete all my friends anymore.

Thanks for the technology, Facebook. You are doing some amazing things. Not keeping scumbags and assholes from preying on the weakest users, but other great things like sponsored posts and shit. That’s what’s important.

There’s an online world where I am king of a little website dedicated to me,

Birdman

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18 thoughts on “Well, I Guess It’s Time For A Refresher

  1. Yes. A thousand times yes. My mom shares far too liberally and it hurts me. It hurts me so badly. MAMA NOOOO. One morning, Nate was checking Facebook in bed and informed me that my mom was getting 5k from bill gates. I wanted to die. It hurt. Like a thousand monkeys bashing me in the head and face with petrified poop. Except i think that might have been less painful as well as less traumatizing.

  2. This is sooooo true, deleted 3 last night about a child just abducted in Quebec. that has been on the internet 3 years. it is soooo stupid.

  3. I am offended! Some of us have only enough brain power to watch Duck Dynasty!!Don’t you go picking on us!!Hey!!!BTW, not sure how that So & So likes such and such works. I have seen my Ex liking stuff, and he passed away in Jan.

    • I don’t know, but maybe someone is using his account. I am not an expert on the afterlife. If you watched something educational, you could grow some more brain power, then you could start weaning yourself off of that stuff.

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