Dear Birdman: I’ve been married for 12 years, and I came home the other day to find some pornography on the computer screen, and my husband frantically trying to shut down different tabs and windows. The image that I saw was a little person and a man with what had to be a 14″ long penis penetrating her from a distance. The poor girl looked like a Haagen-Dazs bar with the chocolate licked off. As I winced in pain, the final window was closed and then he denied that there was any pornography on his computer at all.
Birdman, I know what I saw, and I can’t say that I wasn’t turned on a little, but we haven’t had sex in months, and I think this is why. What can I do to make him want me again? Is there a shortening operation that I can get? I just want to be wanted, so please help.
Too Tall in Toronto
Dear Too Tall: Don’t be so foolish. Of course you aren’t going to get a shortening surgery; that’s preposterous. The way I see it is that you have three choices here. One choice takes you down a possibly expensive path of strangers, sex workers, and if you are lucky, drugs. If this is the route you choose, you should maybe invest in some good video equipment, and try to recoup some of your costs. The second is degrading and gross, but rather inexpensive, and the third is pretty much free and relatively easy.
There is a fourth option as well, but that’s probably the road that Mrs. Birdman is going to steer you down, so we’ll leave that one alone.
Option one is going to be a bit gritty, but it’s definitely the more exciting path. You will need to set up multiple accounts at different “dating” sites, and begin fishing. You make them with some pics of good looking randoms that you pull off the internet. Advertise that you are a couple looking for a tiny lady to have sex with your husband and/or a random, well endowed friend while you watch. On another profile you advertise for a man with a huge love muscle to satisfy you, and/or the little lady. When you get a couple takers, you all meet up in a by the hour motel. If you are in Scarborough, I recommend the Hav-a-Nap motel on Kingston Rd. Have the video equipment ready and start plying your new friends with some lines of crushed up ecstasy or whatever love drugs you can get hold of. Your husband may want to make sweet love to you while he watches them, or make sweet love to her, while you get freaky with Big Dan. Either way, you both are getting your rocks off, and there are probably a few sites that will pay for that kind of footage.
Now, let’s say that you didn’t get any bites on that. You need to go to Jarvis and Wellesley, and ask for Big Lou and Mini Mindy. It’s going to cost you about $350, but it’s well worth it, (or so I hear). If they try to tell you that they have a free place that you can go, don’t fall for it. You’ll never see your money or car again.
Now for option two. You need to get a couple of photos that really turn your husband on, and tape them to whatever part of you that he’ll be looking at. I don’t recommend this one unless you have absolutely no self respect. Actually any man that would allow this to happen, deserves option three.
Option three is simple. Leave his ass. He’s fucked in the head, he’s a liar, and you don’t need that shit. Get your things, and any kids that you have, and run far away. Go to your mother’s, your sister’s, or a shelter, but get away from him.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
I’m just going to come right out and say that advertising for shady sex partners online is pretty much the worst idea that I’ve ever heard of. It’s akin to trusting a junkie with your heroin, and wearing white after labour day. No one is policing the interwebs, Kittens, and they are certainly not hanging around to bail your ass out of a foursome gone horribly awry when you find out your fella and Mini Mindy have hit it off a bit too well, and one of them is wearing a meat cleaver in the forehead from Big Lou’s jealous streak. Once again, I think it’s safe to disregard every one of Birdman’s suggestions, with the possible exception of #3, if your man is truly a degenerate (which I don’t think he is).
I have to tell you, there’s nothing inherently wrong with being aroused by internet porn, or porn in general, even if it is of the alternative category. You never know what turns a persons crank, but it’s a pretty good bet that if he’s closing windows to save his life when you walk in the room, he’s hiding it because he thinks you are going to FREAK OUT if you find out. So maybe you ARE freaking out about the midget porn. Try not to be too hard on him. Just because a person is interested in something in a fantasy sense, doesn’t mean they are going to be hankering to try it out for real. (Of course, if it’s threesome porn, or girl on girl, I can pretty much assure you he is down for giving that a whirl.) In general, people gravitate toward what titillates them. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he isn’t into what you are bringing to the bedroom as well, it just means that he has a healthy appetite for a few things outside of the usual repertoire of sexual behavior.
His interest in porn doesn’t mean that he’s obsessed, or unnatural. As long as it isn’t affecting his work or home relationships, or keeping him from doing things in his regular life, it’s probably not a huge deal. If it makes you uncomfortable, you can let him know. You may want to be prepared for him to take his porn viewing deep underground, if he knows you don’t approve. No one likes to be shamed for what makes them excited, and as long as it falls in the realm of normal, I don’t think you have too much to worry about. Maybe you should take a look and see if it does anything for you?
You and me baby we ain’t nothin’ but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel,
PS. I’d like to welcome my Mom, as ChangeTheTopic.com ‘s newest subscriber. I’d like to say in advance that anything written here is probably totally made up and in no way reflects our depravity. 🙂 Love you Ma! <3 xo