Dear Birdman: I’ve been reading your advice column regularly, and I was wondering if you could help me with a little problem I’ve been having. Recently I became ill, and was unable to perform my duties as a wife for the last 20 days, 7 hours and 33 minutes (not that I’m counting). I’m about to blow my top, but I still don’t have the energy to go all the way. Is there a good way to let my hubby know that I want him to “head south”, so I can at least relax, and maybe get a decent sleep for once? He’s been pretty talkative for the last few days, so I wouldn’t mind harnessing some of that energy, and maybe shutting him up for a little while.
Aching For Some Face Time
Sister, I hear you. It’s not your fault your relations-time has been sidelined. Your man needs to step up and hook a sister up. I realize you are still recovering from your situation, but your fella is in the exact same boat. He’s likely been hitting the Jergens and Kleenex while you have been out of commission, but he will be happy to know that sexy time is near once again. Here’s my idea of a compromise: Your hubby can dine at the Y until you are singing his name. Once you’ve had your fill, you can go ahead and take a nap while he finishes off. You can pretend you’re playing ‘Roofie The Cheerleader’ if you want to spice things up a bit, or if you feel weird about sleeping on the job. Either way, you let him hit it while you sleep, and you’ll both be happy in the morning. I doubt he will even care if you are conscious after 20 days on the bench, and I’d be willing to bet you won’t even be entering REM sleep by the time he’s busted one. You won’t need any fancy tricks to get that soldier off, believe me.
I’m raising a glass of our wedding wine to you, and congratulating you on losing your 20-day V-Card, you twisted sister.
Dear Face Time: My lady had to throw her two cents in before her sleepytime medicine takes hold, but I agree with her 100%.
There are a few other things I’d like to add though.
One thing you could try, is to drizzle a bit of maple syrup on your bits, and lure him in that way. This is the perfect time of year for that type of thing, because the sap is starting to run, but it’s too cold for the insects to come swarming to you if you do happen to pass out before he gets there. I’m just assuming that he is a fan, and because playoffs are drawing nigh, he may get sidetracked by a TV on his way there.
Maybe maple syrup isn’t his thing. I don’t know very many men that wouldn’t go for a big old slab of beef jerky, so you could kind of shred one up, and sprinkle it around all sexy like. Once you are ready for him, you need to yip like a bitch in heat, and wait for your dirty dog to come running.
If sprinkling foodstuffs all over your babymaker doesn’t do it for you, then just fake sleeping, and when he goes to work, you call me. I can be there in a flash, and other than a quick trip to Toronto, I’m free most of the day. Well, until around 5pm anyhow. That’s when the tux fitting is, and I’m pretty sure Mrs. Birdman wouldn’t want me missing that, even if I was doing a good deed for an injured lady.
So if you come back here to Texas, girl, from wherever you’re at tonight, I’m gonna kiss you where you’ve never been kissed before for the rest of your doggone life,
Shit, I see that it wasn’t long enough. How come no one ever wants to send shit in to us? Oh well, I guess I’ll hit up Dear Abby for a little nugget of gold.
From May 23, 1995
DEAR ABBY: Help! My husband is a computer junkie, and it’s ruining our marriage. Sometimes he spends as much as 10 hours a day on the computer.
He neglects me, the children and everything else because of his addiction. We bought a fixer-upper house a couple of years ago and he was very gung-ho about making improvements, but that lasted only a couple of months; then he was back in front of his computer. He’s barely moved since.
He has gone from being a handsome, outgoing, affectionate husband to an overweight, uncaring, temperamental roommate.
We have had countless fights about the time he spends playing computer games. He becomes defensive and says it’s nobody’s business how he spends his time. I thought he would eventually tire of his computer, but it’s been three years and he’s worse, not better. All of our family, friends, acquaintances, and even his co-workers have commented on his obsession. He takes his computer to work every day.
I don’t believe in divorce, but I’m almost ready to get one. I need a husband and our children need their father. He is a good man, but I’m exhausted from trying to compete with his computer.
Abby, there are support groups for spouses of alcoholics and drug addicts. Is there a support group for wives like me? — A COMPUTER WIDOW
Dear Computer Widow: What are you not providing for your husband that would make him turn to a computer?
My guess is sex. I’d be willing to bet that you aren’t letting the old boy tap that shit anymore, and he’s found something better than not getting laid. Maybe let him knock on the back door, or teabag you or something. If you are letting him fly his freak flag regularly, then he is either gay, or you are extremely shitty in the sack, and I mean really shitty. You could be a paraplegic mute, and a guy would still bang you, because just about any sex is better than no sex. I’ve had bad sex, and I know that it can be so bad that you just hope it gets done soon, so you can go spank it with a mitt full of sand, because that would feel way better than what you are going through now.
As for him neglecting your kids… They are probably shitheads. Why else would he choose jerking off to amputee porn over hanging out with them? If they were cool, good kids, I’m sure he’d want to spend all kinds of time with them. I fucking love the computer more than most things in my life, but if my lady, or her kids ever asked me to spend time with them over playing an online game, I drop that shit and hang out.
My advice is to entertain the shit out of your man, and make it more fun than playing with the computer. If this doesn’t work, ditch that tool, and find yourself a guy that likes girls and kids. Not in that way, perverts.
Now here’s what Dear Abby said
DEAR COMPUTER WIDOW: It’s OK to have an absorbing hobby, but if it replaces the family, the electronic beast must be tamed.
Insist that your husband see a marriage counselor with you. A counselor can help him face the “demon,” and guide you both in reaching a workable compromise. If he refuses to go, go without him.
You’re a fucking genius Abby, way to delve deep into the problem.