Dear Birdman: I recently got fired from my job for what I believe was not a good reason. I wondered if you could talk about how people should be treated by employers at their workplace, and the consequences of their actions if they wrongfully dismiss someone. I’m sick of being treated poorly at my place of employment, and I demand change.
Pink Slip Princess
Dear Pink: First of all, I’d like to tell you that you came to the right place. I’ve been wrongfully dismissed from dozens of jobs in my life. There are just some people that can’t handle my brand of spectacular.
Now I’ll tell you a few tricks that will give you satisfaction as a disgruntled employee. I’m not sure how you feel about handling human feces, but the first redemption move requires at least a handful of it. Once you have it, you need to pack it up under the door handle of their vehicle late at night. Next get yourself some binoculars, sit yourself far away, but in clear sight and get ready to watch the show.
So you don’t like that idea? Do they live in the country and have a well? If so, find an exterminator and befriend them. Wait until they have a skunk that they are disposing of, and go on the call with them. Make note of where they dump the remains and go back a bit later and get it. You need to be there ASAP to possibly fight off the coyotes or other scavengers, so pack a lunch. You should also take a hospital mask or bandanna and rub some Vick’s Vaporub into it. Grab yourself a garbage bag and a shovel, and get it in there as gently as possible. Then you need to sneak it into your ex-employer’s well, and get ready to hear the screaming when they have a shower in the morning (not to mention when they make coffee).
Maybe shit and dead skunks aren’t your bag. If that’s the case, grab a black pail with lid, a couple of roadkill animals and little bit of water. Set the pail with the water and carcasses in a warm location, preferably the hot sun, and shake it around every day. Once it is good and thick, get your Vick’s mask and a good, heavy gauge syringe (most horse barns will have some used ones that you can grab for free if you talk all nicey nice to one of the employees). If the pail is thin enough to puncture with the syringe, you are in luck. Poke it through, and get a good dose of that “soup”. Then you need to find their vehicle and inject the syringe through the rubber door seals, and give a healthy shot into the carpets. If you can find a good spot to watch and listen from, I recommend it.
So you’re havin’ trouble with your high school head, he’s givin’ you the blues,
Unless you look very, very good in prison stripes, I would advise you to disregard the previous horrible advice from my beloved. His heart is in the right place, but unfortunately it seeps a black, tarry liquid, hell-bent on revenge at times.
I’m not sure what actions preceded your pink slip, but rest assured if you were fired for anything but valid reasons, you may have a decent shot at proving this and being able to collect unemployment insurance while you are looking for a new job. Most employers require a paper trail that is necessary to defend any dismissal. If you truly believe you have been fired unjustly, you could speak to the fine people at the Ministry of Labour, (assuming you are an Ontarian). Failing this, you will probably have to do what most people do, and let it go. I was once unfairly terminated when my first pregnancy was revealed during a company takeover. The new owners dismissed me, and the girl who had cancer. Nice. Of course it was totally illegal, but I also had to consider what it was going to cost me for a lawyer, time fighting my dismissal, and ultimately, being labelled as a ‘trouble maker’ because I chose to stand up for myself. Ultimately, I took the easy way out and slipped away with my fury stuffed down into my chest, and my head held high. I’m not suggesting this is the right thing for everyone, but because I live in a small town, and hoped to have other employment opportunities in the future, I felt it was best for my situation at the time. I am not sure I would do the same thing now, especially knowing that my fury has not dissipated after 10 years of festering.
The other possibility, however remote, is that you actually were terminated with cause. I’m not suggesting this is the case, but before you seek any retributive action on the part of the company that fired you, I would suggest you find out in writing what the terms of your dismissal were. Also, you should request any documentation that supports the dismissal. In the worst case scenario, you will know what the areas of contention were, and you can do your best to avoid these problems in the future.
I think it goes without saying that this is not a company you should request a reference from. ;)
Oh! ye’ll take the high road and I’ll take the low road,
And I’ll be in Scotland afore ye,