My boyfriend’s birthday is tomorrow, and I don’t know what to get him. Last year I was EIGHT months late getting his present to him. He gets home at 11PM tomorrow night, and I need help! BTW, that shirt makes you look fat.
Procrastinating in Picton
I’m going out on a limb here and wondering if your failure to plan is actually a plan to fail. Is there any possibility that you have passively avoided the birthday present because there is something in this relationship that you are needing but not getting? I would need a bit more information, but what kind of gifts has your boyfriend offered up on your special occasions? Is he the romantic type that never forgets a holiday or birthday, or is he the ‘slide into the drug store 2 minutes before it closes to grab a card and a gift-like-object’ type of guy? If he’s the former, than you are in a pickle. This sweet, caring fellow is about to get the shaft on his big day. However, if he’s the chronically late or non-existent gift-giver, than you are probably not going to be any worse off for not having something gift-wrapped and ready to go.
Let’s think this one through, since you are strapped for time and you need a good gift idea fast. I’m going to leave it to Birdman to suggest the obvious choices; a threesome, letting him tie you up and molest you, or some other sexual depravity. I’m going to suggest some ideas that don’t exchange bodily fluids.
If we had a few more weeks, I’d suggest you video tape birthday greetings from all his friends, but since we are tight for time we will skip that idea. Here are a few of my ideas, in no particular order:
1. Weird Alcohol Dispensary
How can you go wrong with the Dual Fuel Old Fashioned Gas Pump Liquor Dispenser (or any weird dispensing vessel for alcohol). Heaven knows that men love their boozy parties, and nothing impresses a room of drunken (aging) frat-boys like novelty drink dispensers. It’s not like they ‘need’ it, or even ‘want’ it, but dammit, it’s fun and they will think of every opportunity to use it. Your boyfriend will be the belle of the ball…so to speak.
2. Beer-of-the-Month Club
It’s true, beer makes men happy. I can only imagine that recieving a beer a month (IN THE MAIL!) would qualify as near to an orgasmic experience as a man could have without touching his penis. Of course, if there is beer involved, there’s a good chance he’ll touch his penis anyway. Just because it’s there. 🙂
3. The Beardo
A Beardo will take your man to the next level of coolness. The colour combo is totally customizable and if he loses all his hair, no one will ever know! (Genius, right?) In addition to being so freakin’ cool, his head will stay warm, and his lips will remain unchapped by the wind and elements, making your lip locking experiences much more pleasant. I think we can all agree that Beardo is a gift that just keeps giving.
I hope these hints have helped, or at least have provided you with a bit of a laugh when you realize how much trouble you are in when you show up empty-handed to the birthday dinner. If all else fails, a blowjob and a steak might save the day.
She’s a good girl, loves her mama; loves Jesus, and America too,
PS. You are right about the velvet blue shirt…it does make him look portly. I hope he reads this.
Dear Procrastinating: First of all, you and my old lady can go fuck your hats. That shirt fits me, and it makes me feel good. I’m actually saddened that you would try to make me feel bad about my physical appearance. It’s almost like you don’t pay attention to any of the anti-bullying campaigns that are going on worldwide. Secondly, you should be ashamed of yourself for leaving your gift buying until the last minute. You are a woman, and it is your job to be on top of this shit.
It doesn’t matter if he has never gotten you a birthday present in the time that you’ve known him, or even got you anything. You should be content that he allows you to be his mate, and rest easy in the fact that you can have sex whenever you want it.
That being said, Mrs. Birdman is completely right in her prediction that I am going to tell you to satisfy him in every sense of the word. Do you know why? Because that turns us on. Seriously.
Let’s look at this from a distance. Two guys, Frank and Bill, are talking about their recent birthdays at a bar. Frank tells Bill that his wife went all out this year and got him a brand new set of Pings and a years membership at the best golf club in town. Bill calmly tells him that he thinks that’s great and proceeds to tell Frank that when he got home, his wife greeted him at the door in a tiny little thong and no bra, dropped to her knees with the front door wide open and took him in front of all of the people passing by his house. After that, she sat him down for a beautiful dinner, consisting of a cheeseburger, some anal sex, and then she washed him up in a hot shower before taking him to the bedroom and tying him up in front of the big screen with a video recorder going. For the next hour, she did things to/for him that can’t even be found in the Kama Sutra books, and just before he fell asleep smiling in her arms, he got to smoke a cheap cigar, and have a glass of malt liquor.
When all is said and done, Frank’s expensive golf clubs will be old and worn in a few years, but Bill will be the envy of every man in town for the rest of his, and their, lives.
My baby’s got good timing, don’t know how but she reads my mind,