Dear Therapy Thursday,
I am a magnet for the wrong type of guy! I want to break free from the string of losers that I’ve dated and slept with. Are all men looking for the same thing? Is it really about having a great body, big boobs, a fat ass and pretty face? Doesn’t it matter that I have a name? An opinion? I think therefore I am? I want someone who listens! I want someone to hold me! I want someone to tell me I am pretty! I want someone to notice when I change my hair color or nail polish! I want someone to LOVE ME!! What is wrong with all the men??
Dear Loser Magnet,
I have to take issue with your last sentence.
“What is wrong with all the men??”
I would like to pose the question to you: What is wrong with all the women? Why do they keep signing up for relationships with men who fall far short of the goal? At what point in a new relationship do you decide that you have hooked a loser?
I have a theory. If a woman knows her worth, she no longer puts up with less than she desires. If she DOES put up with less, she does it with the full understanding that this new relationship does not meet the acceptable standards, and she can no longer complain about the man OR the relationship. I believe people show us exactly who they are early on in a relationship. I remember the man who let me know he wasn’t into being very demonstrative with his feelings (dated him anyway), and the one afraid of commitment (dated him anyway), and the one who seemed to like men better than women (didn’t date him very long at all!). In hindsight, I can clearly see that there were problems almost from the very start that I ignored or minimized in the hope that this fresh candidate was THE ONE.
That brings us to the crux of the issue, in my humble opinion. Women (and men too for that matter) must really like, and feel confident about who THEY are, to be able to find and BE the kind of mate they are looking for. If you find yourself in one unsatisfactory relationship after another, the problem might not be the man. I don’t say this to be hurtful, or to cast blame, but to give you a point of view that you may not have considered. It’s easy to pay lip service to the idea that you like who you are, but do you really? Are you strong enough to do and say what you really want to? Do you feel certain enough about your ideas and desires that you are willing to hold on to them, even if they do not mesh with those of your partners?
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” I recently read that in a great book called “The Perks of Being A Wallflower” and I believe it speaks to the heart of the issue. Until we are strong enough to insist on what we want, we will not likely get it. Sometimes we get lucky and get it by accident. Life becomes simpler when we are allowed to be exactly who we are, and we allow our partners the same luxury. This comes with practise, but it starts with understanding that people need to be accepted for exactly who they are, with no expectation to change for someone else.
It’s a slippery slope trying to merge your life with someone else’s. There will always be things that don’t completely match up. You have to quickly know what you can, and CANNOT live with in another person. Since you are currently single, I am going to make a suggestion. I want you to write a list of ‘must haves’ for your future mate. These are non-negotiables for you. Then, create a list of ‘NO WAY’s’, which are things you cannot accept about someone. A third list of qualities which would be desirable, but not essential would round out the lists. When you meet someone, start looking at your list and assess the qualities this person has with whatever information you have. You are searching for someone who will complement your life, not turn you into a maid, a trophy or a carbon-copy of someone he used to know. Because you will be 100% Team You, you can start looking at the behaviour you see with a realistic eye, and not a hopeful heart.
One final thought: Is it essential that he notice your hair colour? Nail polish? Remember that some things only seem like a deal breaker. If a man loves you and treats you beautifully, the fact that he misses your new haircut may not be grounds for immediate dismissal. Let’s be flexible here… )
- I am a magnet for the wrong type of guy! That’s great! It takes all kinds of people to make this crazy world go around, and if it weren’t for girls like you, I would never have gotten laid in high school.
- I want to break free from the string of losers that I’ve dated and slept with. Why? That is very selfish of you to exclude such a huge group of people from your breeding pool.
- Are all men looking for the same thing? You mean the blow job while you whistle Roger Whittaker through the dried boogers in your nose thing? Yep.
- Is it really about having a great body, big boobs, a fat ass and pretty face? No, sometimes we like to bang scrawny, homely women to remind us of that time we went to Burma.
- Doesn’t it matter that I have a name? An opinion? I think therefore I am? Not really. I’m probably just going to call you Babe or Pickletits. God I love pickles.
- I want someone who listens! I want someone to hold me! I want someone to tell me I am pretty! I want someone to notice when I change my hair color or nail polish! I want someone to LOVE ME!! Holy shit, you are one needy motherfucker. Get yourself a dog and a male prostitute. I hear The Six-Fingered Monkey is cheap.
- What is wrong with all the men?? Same thing that’s wrong with all of the women. We don’t get enough fibre in our diet.
The world don’t move to the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you, might not be right for some,