Dear Birdman: I don’t know if you can help me or not, but I have a little problem with vomiting in bed. It’s almost as if it’s not worth a trip to the washroom, just to be able to puke in a dirty toilet. I should let you know that I’m a bit of a boozehound, and this always happens after a couple of snoot fulls of red wine. I’m wondering if maybe it’s the brands that I’m choosing, or maybe it’s because I eat too much while I’m drinking? I have heard that you know a lot of things about a lot of things, so I figured I’d give you a try. My counselors only ever offer to help me quit drinking, even though I’ve tried explaining that it was always food coming up, and that we need to get to the root of the problem. One time it was a half digested hamburger that I woke up with; it wasn’t half digested wine. Anyhow, if you can help me figure this out, I would really appreciate it, I really don’t want to give up the vino.
Dear Tess: Your counselors are idiots. If you love to drink wine, you should drink as much as it takes to make you feel happy, pretty, smart, etc… I have a surefire way for you to be able to enjoy all of the wine you want, and never have a mess in your bed.
What I did, when I was on my own, was to get an Exacto knife, a five gallon pail, and a pair of bolt cutters, and cut out a 12″ diameter hole in the mattress. You need to go all the way through it and most of the box spring. It takes a while, depending on the coil and spring situation. After that, you slip the pail into the hole, and rim it with a towel for padding. Then you only have to go to bed and pass out with your mouth over the lip of the bucket, and let ‘er rip.
Another nice thing is that if you need to have a dump or a piss, you never have to leave the bed. Five gallons is a good size too, because you only have to empty it around once a month, they’re easy to clean, and you can pick them up free at most restaurants, or mechanic shops.
You are a degenerate. It’s a good thing I knew nothing of this side of your personality before I agreed to marry you. Ah, who am I kidding? Like I could turn down 1.30 cts of diamondy goodness, and all the sex I can handle.
I love you despite your shortcomings,
Now…onto the real topic at hand:
I don’t want to state the glaringly obvious, but I’m afraid you may have a problem here. It ain’t natural to puke in ones bed. No member of the animal kingdom willingly fouls their own bed if they have a choice. Just to play devil’s advocate, let’s just suppose for a second that EVERYONE threw up in their beds after a night of carousing. If everyone did it regularly, no one would mind if they woke up covered in the contents of someone else’s stomach. Unfortunately for you, this isn’t the case.
You see, if you get a reputation as a friend who is too damn lazy to get up and run to the john when you feel a rumble in the jungle, you will find yourself with fewer and fewer offers to spend time in the homes of others. Also, gentlemen callers might be leery of sharing a night of fun with you for fear of wearing more than just your DNA the next day. (As an aside, may I strongly suggest you stay away from hotdogs before a night of drinking…the smell of half-digested wieners alone is enough to gag a maggot).
I am going to share a story with you, Tess. It may or may not be true. One time back in university, after an evening of molson poker, I found myself sharing a twin bed with a tall, dark and mildly attractive fellow. (Strictly platonic, I swear it).
He also spent the night playing molson poker, and I found out shortly after we fell asleep that he wasn’t one to hold his liquor. It’s true, Tess. He threw up. In the bed. On my head. Not good, Tess. Things didn’t go well after that, and our friendship surely suffered from that night of mixing too many different kinds of booze. It’s a cautionary tale, Tess, and one that I believe can help you out. Keep a bloody garbage can by your bed, and USE IT. That is all. I have no further advice. I need to go gargle…
I get knocked down, but I get up again,
And one from the Abby archives
DEAR ABBY (and Birdman): I am a bachelor in my early 30s. I don’t share an apartment with a female because of my high moral standards, and I am not yet ready for marriage.
When I used to share an apartment with another bachelor, people assumed that we were gay. I now have a very nice place of my own. However, if I have bachelor friends over, I am still perceived as being gay. And if I entertain a female friend, people say I am bisexual. (I just can’t seem to win!) Why is it that a single man cannot have friends over for a simple card game or to watch TV without people thinking there’s something sexual going on? I am straight, and I am sick of all this ugly talk. What can I do to stop this vicious gossip?
— JOE FROM LITTLE ROCK
Joe: I guess that you probably should just suck a big dick, or grab lunch at the “Y”, and get it over with, . It’s okay to live with a woman out of wedlock, the same as it’s okay to be gay, and it won’t affect your “high moral standards” either. Being married doesn’t change how you feel about the person you’re with, be it a heterosexual, or a gay union. It’s all love baby, and it is not immoral, unethical, or “ugly”. There is no shame in choking down the love of another man, no matter what your bible says. Leviticus is dead, and his words should have died with him. If people start implying that you are gay, do what I do and go with it. It’s either that, or you could admit to yourself that you’re a homosexual, which will make it easier to admit it to your pickle-up-the-ass parents, and the members of their church. Once all of that has been put out in the open, you can take your high moral standards and shove them up your tight pink asshole. They won’t be much help in getting your prostate milked, but if you position them just right, they will gently scrub your colon clean. This will make it more comfortable for you to sit on your high horse or to go fuck yourself.
…and here’s what Dear Abby said
DEAR JOE: Unless you can be certain who is behind these allegations, and prove that their ugly accusations have “damaged” you — there is nothing you can do other than to ignore it. Those who know you already know the truth. And anyone who would base an opinion on unfounded rumors is not someone you would want as a friend.
(Way to keep it real Abby, you fucking cooze )