Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman,

I am a little stuck on what to do. There is a girl I have a crush on. I really want to ask for her phone number or ask her for a date but I’m shy. I’m not sure how to get over it and ask her.  Can you help me? I figured since you got yourself a hot woman, you would know.

Shy in the North

 

Dear Shy,

 

I’d like to thank you for making up a good name, and then tell you that you have good taste in women. You are correct about me bagging a good one.

As for your query, you need to make an amateur porn video to showcase your skills and mail it to her. I’m guessing that you’re too shy to find someone that will star in your short film, so here are a few hints. Call an escort service and give the girl an extra hundred bucks, but don’t tell her about the freaky shit or she’ll bolt. You need to surprise her with that stuff and make sure she’s facing the camera when you spring it on her, so you capture the look of surprise on her face. There’s nothing that chicks find more sexy than being surprised in the sack.

You should also follow her home and go through her trash to find out what she likes to eat, drink etc… You should bug her home as well, and then call her while disguising your voice, and ask what she thinks of you, then when you hang up, you can see what she says about you out loud.

If it’s not very nice, I would throw a frozen brick of shit through her window, if it’s nice though, send her the video.

 

Free your mind, and the rest will follow,

Birdman

 

 

OMG…really?  I feel I must step in.  If you take the advice of this severely disturbed individual (aka my Fiance), you will be finding yourself spending many lonely nights without your crush, and in the warm embrace of a restraining order.  I think you should also know that Birdman is no authority on winning over the ladies.  His track record speaks for itself, with a 1/10 success rate.  I won him in a hand of poker, if you must know.

 

Listen Shy…I have some real advice for you.

 

Be yourself.  Start with simple conversation.  Say what you mean, and mean what you say.  Make eye contact.  Smile.  Then smile a bit more. 🙂

 

There is nothing wrong with being forward: “I think you are really fun to talk to and I’d love to take you out for a coffee/beer/dinner”…whatever.   Watch for her body language.  Is she leaned into your conversation?  Does she maintain and return eye contact?  When talk turns to the more personal, does she change the subject or try to navigate into ‘safer’ waters?  If you pay attention to your crush, she’ll be giving you plenty of signals to let you know if she is or isn’t into you.

 

Remember, you are selling YOU.  So be positive and engaging, and if she doesn’t take the bait, then send me her address and I will have my people pay her ‘a visit’.  I think you know what I mean.  *wink*

 

Your partner in crime,

 

Mrs. Birdman

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