(Editors note: I don’t even know where to begin with this, but in the interest of free speech, all things lurid ,and the fact that we are all adults here, I’m posting it.)
So I know it’s Friday the 13th and I missed Therapy Thursday but I have a question and really need to know if I am the only one that feels this… So every morning I go through my regular routine, shower, kids up and dressed for school, lunches made, send them on their merry way then usually head to the washroom for my 5 minute read on the throne! So here it is…as I sit there and my sphincter starts to pucker I can’t help but want to slow the process down as it is almost orgasmic! Yes, the odd night of anal sex with my man is much better but sometimes just taking my morning crap makes my day! I know we all have different erogenous zones this not being my only one but for sure is one of my top 3!
So tell me, am I the only one that feels this…or am I the only one that admits it? I await your rebutthole, I mean rebuttal or response.
Dear Miss Hankey: Thank you for the renewed interest in Therapy Thursday. It is one of my favourite parts of writing this blog,and I’m happy for any chance to answer reader’s questions, but I wonder who this question is directed at?
If it’s me, then I don’t share your affinity for a nice, slow bout with the loo, but I have spent plenty of time there. If I had my druthers, I’d like to get that job over with as soon as possible, because it doesn’t take long for my legs to go to sleep. I also have hung rats that felt like a softball coming out, and it felt great, but only because it was finally done and over with. What pisses me off is that I’ll have a look, expecting to see a bloody cantaloupe, and there is nothing bigger than a roll of loonies. WTF? Why did that turd hurt more than slowly crushing your hand in a vise? I almost want to pick it up, just to see if there was a fork in it, or maybe some deck screws that I accidentally swallowed. I guess I’m a wimp when it comes to the ass, but it’s something that I never seem to get used to.
Now, the big thing here is to not feel any shame, and to know that it’s completely natural to want to explore the pleasurable options available to you. I will tell you what I think you should do; it of course doesn’t mean you have to do this, it’s merely my suggestion.
You should spend less time on the shitter, and more time having anal sex. I know that your man will get bored of having it with you every day, and when that time comes, you call me. I figure that he and I can alternate days for a while, and if one of us needs a few days off to heal, I know a few guys that could fill in. Now don’t get all freaked out because you are nervous around new people, or because I’m getting married soon, to the sweetest, most beautiful person I know. She would totally understand, and support me, because she understands how much my readers mean to me. I’m not saying she would join in or anything, but if we explain how it would relax you, she might rub your back or something, and perhaps give me drinks of water. Let me know how that sounds to you, because I’m pretty negotiable when it comes to
anal sex helping someone out.
Now if you’re asking the readers, I guess they’ll have to comment themselves.
Stroke it Clarence Carter, but don’t you stroke so fast,
Birdman answers a dear Abby from 1995
DEAR ABBY: It has been said that you don’t really know people until you’ve lived with them, but that’s like putting the cart before the horse.
The process of dating is for the purpose of getting to know a person. It is a time for sharing likes and dislikes, beliefs, habits and faults, as well as good characteristics.
Each situation, whether a dinner date, movie date, sporting event, picnic, church service, a game of cards, a day at the beach or amusement park, cooking together, presents a different “atmosphere.”
The longer the relationship endures, the more opportunities to detect characteristics of honesty (or dishonesty), jealousy, possessiveness, tenderness, cruelty, etc.
All of this can be done without a sexual relationship.
When and if both parties arrive at the conclusion that this is a lasting love — not lust or infatuation — then a marriage commitment can be made.
I do not want someone’s rejected lover after they have lived together — and then discovered it was no good. —
WE’RE WAITING IN FLORIDA
Dear WE’RE WAITING: You are losers. Not because you’re wanting to get to know each other, but because you are not going to know if that dude is going to be able to get you off, or even if he wants to. You both need your heads examined, but at least you don’t need your crotches examined. Nothing there but moss and cobwebs.
You say you want to share each others likes and dislikes, but sex has to fall into one of those categories, you fucking imbeciles. That’ll be a great time to find out about his sexual deviancy, after you’re married!
“Oh honey, I’m so happy to finally be married to you; this is going to be the best night of my life. Oh, and you might want to bite down on this stick. You’re going to feel a bit of a pinch, followed by a tightness in your abdomen, but I don’t want you to bite your tongue off when I truss you up. I love you so much.”
Nope, that’s the path to ruin right there, and after waiting that long, you can’t divorce him, so looks like you live your life in the bed that you made, oh and also in the bed of ropes that he made up in the basement for you.
Now here’s Dear Abby’s response
DEAR WAITING: Congratulations. Obviously, the more exposure, the better the opportunity to observe the potential mate. I am reminded of the old saying, “If you want to know how a man will treat his wife, take careful notice of how he treats his mother and his sister.” And the same can be said about women and how they treat the men in their lives.
Whatever, you uppity bitch.
Wake up little Suzy, wake up,