Therapy Thursday


Dear TT,

Blogging is hard. I am funny, quick and super attractive – which doesn’t convey well on the magical intraweb since no one believes pictures anymore – but it is slow goings on my site, www.inebrieated.com. I talk about dating and divorce, my fake boobs, kids, work, silicone, my ex husband, boobs, my ex boyfriends, the struggles of a single parent, HAVE I MENTIONED THE BOOBS? I get occasional comments mostly from my mom or the great aunt confined to a nursing home, who we have believing my ex husband died (side note: why WON’T he die?). I read forums and writings sites and find blogs like your’s – blogs that speak to me, that I connect with and immediately feel a bond…and then I wonder ‘how the fuck do these chair humpers get an audience while I languish in the background in all of my fake breasted glory?’ 

Sorry, but chair humpers made me laugh so I had to look it up.

These are the two craziest, non-nude pics that I could illegally swipe from the flickr

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly, I do wish you luck with your writing endeavors, but what the fuck?

Sincerely,

Gloriously Breasted Blogger

 

Dear GBB: Seriously? Of all the blogs in the blogosphere, you chose mine? Fuck. I’m flattered, and I hate to break it to you, but I’ve been doing this for a year now, and I’m in the hole about $300. Sorry, I made $20 off of a sponsored review, so -$280.

 

Now, seeing as you didn’t mention money in your question, I am going to assume that it isn’t the first priority, and that’s good. I have read a few of your blog posts and they’re pretty fucking funny. Seriously. You have a gift, and I think that you will go far if you stick with it. You are going to go through some lulls where you wonder why the word doesn’t spread like wildfire, and there is a reason for that. People don’t share very much. I figure 5% of the readers share a lot(thank you, thank you, thank you), maybe 15% will share the occasional post that really hits home for them, but that is a high estimate. It’s just a fact that you have to be aware of. Always.

 

Don’t be mad at people. It’s not their fault. In fact it’s ours. We just aren’t good enough. We need to constantly strive to be better. Do you think a stand-up comic makes it in a month? A year? No, they work and work at it. Getting better, funnier, more relevant. One of my heroes, George Carlin, started doing comedy in his early 20’s and  was almost 40 when he did his first HBO special. I look at how it took a fucking genius that long to hit the real big time, and then I look at my path. I started blogging in my late 30’s, so by rights, I’ll be The Bloggess in my 50’s or so. Well, as long as I learn to be funny.

 

Your other option is to sell your soul to the devil for SEO savvy, the knack for tugging at heartstrings, and the ability to spew bullshit as the truth, like Single Dad Laughing. I don’t suggest that route, but hey, it’s a free world, and obviously it pays well.

 

I love to blog, and I love to help people, so it was probably lucky that you found me, instead of the guy that I found when I started. I’m not going to name him, because it’s not his fault he’s like that, but it was one of the worse things I could have done. It actually set me back to follow his advice. He told me to buy The S—– D—‘s book on blogging for $1.99, because he was too busy to talk to me. That didn’t help a bit. All it said was to do SEO, some guest posts, and put a witty comment on all of the popular blogs to possibly get some of their readers to come to your blog. (That actually works to an extent, but not in the way he tells you to do it.) Sometimes I’ll be in my Google Reader and notice that The Bloggess has just posted. I jump there quick, do a skim, and make a crazy comment. Once I put something like:
“I haven’t even read this post, but I bet I can get some of you to click on my filthy blog link at the bottom. Seriously, there’s lots of swearing and shit.” (over 50 hits from that one)

 

Mrs B. still can’t believe she hasn’t blocked me yet, and I kinda hope she does. It’s one of those things I do when I’m frustrated because no one reads my posts. I would be baffled at how she would have 300+ comments on a makeshift post, while I would pour my soul into a piece and be lucky for two commenters. I haven’t done it in quite a while now, because I’m in a better place, mentally, and I realize that while I’m no superstar, I’m doing pretty good for a kid from the sticks, and if things keep going the way they are, and I don’t run out of ideas, I should have a pretty cool journal of my life to look back on. If I never make a cent, I’ll have that, and a shitload of friends that I’ve made along the way.
Now, to answer your question about how to get an audience. I don’t know. You just do. Write a story and link it up with Yeah Write. Join into the blogging community that you feel you fit with. Comment on people’s blogs, not because you want their readers, but because you like or don’t like what they have to say. Send an email, just like you did to me. That was a really nice touch, and it was what got me to go to your blog. I read so many blogs in a day, that I don’t have time to check everyone that comments. I’d like to, but between the yeah write G+ page, replying to my comments, writing posts, and reading/sharing all of my reader blogs on my G+ page, I don’t have a lot of time. This is like a full-time job that you don’t get paid for, but you love it, so you keep grumbling on. I know that you have gained me as a fan, and if you want to try and win over any of the fine folks that stop in here, I’m more than willing to let you do a guest post, or a swap. Whatever you want, basically. I’m sure that if you put up a pic of those magnificent breasts, you’d get Dustin on your side for sure, but frankly you don’t need them. I didn’t know you even had tits when I was reading, and I was laughing my ass off at your “bios” and “about” pages. I love that you call your mom “Skanky Bitch”, because I can tell that it’s a term of endearment, and it makes the fact that I call my mom “Rat”, seem not so bad. Mrs. Birdman has been saying that I should do a cast of characters page because of the high amount of friends we have on here. Maybe I’ll get around to it.

 

Email me if you have more questions. Attach a titty pic though, this genius isn’t fucking free you know. 😉

 

Eat more possum, God bless John Wayne, seems like everybody got to be a cowboy these days,

 

Birdman

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11 thoughts on “Therapy Thursday

  1. I have been at it for 5 years. At Blogger I had over 300 followers. NEVER had that many comments. Never. I choose not to have a category because Lord help anyone who tries to corral me into one thing. I am way too awesome for that bwhahhaa.. I maintain 2 blogs.. the naughty one gets way more attention than the other and it is the LEAST promoted figure that one out. Maybe cause well I won’t say what I have on that blog you will just have to find out bwhahaha

  2. Dearest Birdman, you raise some stellar, thought provoking points here. You’re right – I don’t do this for money. I do this because I don’t have the money to afford therapy and it is a creative outlet that allows me to address my issues very publicly and receive support from others who have dealt with similar…orrrrrrr meet perverts. Either way, I’m grateful.

    I will continue to keep at it (because I love it). I will submit to writing sites and take honest feedback and improve my writing (because I am awesome). I will enjoy other blogs and comment and build a following (because they love that I am awesome).

    And you know I’ll be skulking around your stuff because I love that, too…and you have yet to file a restraining order. Hugs.

  3. By the way, I am now following your blog Brie. It is AWESOME! And I will share it with all my friends.

    Rock on Pretty lady.

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