Therapy Thursday

Therapy Thursday, please help!

I’ve been having microdermabrasion appointments over the last handful of months. Now, I want to stop for a couple of reasons – 1. I’m trying to cut back on some of my spending and 2. The technician I was going to is now only available on Mondays, which is a day that doesn’t work for me. For some reason, I never really know how to “break up” with these type of service people. I have called to cancel my next appointment, but I told her that I’d call her later to reschedule. I really don’t want to reschedule, but (and I know this is all in my head) I think the technician is holding me to that phone call. Why am I such a damn idiot? Why do I have such a hard time just saying “look, your schedule doesn’t work for me. Oh yeah, and I’m poor”???

Buying A Loofah

Dear Buying,

I don’t see the problem here.  It’s not like you are cheating on your microdermabrasion practitioner with a cuter, smarter, better-looking version.  You don’t have the money, and the timing isn’t good for appointments.  Frankly, either is a good reason not to go, and as a trained professional, she shouldn’t take it personally.  Even if you DO decide to go to someone else, it’s a personal decision and you have the right to try as many people as you like until you find a provider that works for you.  I wonder if you have the same moral dilemma if you change hairdressers, dentists or photographers?  Professionals have an ever-changing clientele, and we don’t take it personally if our clients try someone new for WHATEVER reason.  If your gal thinks you have done her wrong by ending your professional relationship (for legitimate reasons!) then she may be a tiny bit unbalanced.  Let it go.  This isn’t a problem you need to worry about.  Tell her the truth, that you are short on funds, and that Mondays are not working with your schedule, and be done with it.  No harm, no foul.
Mrs. B.

You realize that this means there will be some offensive shit in here, right? Just making sure you know.

Dear Buying: What I would do is go into Destructo mode. I have often used this to get out of relationships in the past. What you need to do is start getting hammered in the early afternoon. I think that any type of whiskey or “brown liquor” is your best bet, unless there is something else that makes you angry and belligerent.
You need to walk into her store/salon and start talking about how rough the anal sex was last night, and how you are so sore now, it hurts to put even your small butt plug in. (If you don’t have anal sex or a butt plug, you should get on that train, because it’s fucking fun.) Ask if you can borrow some talcum powder or something similar, because you need to cut an 8Ball, so that you can chop a line or two out for yourself.
What I propose next can sometimes backfire, but if it works, it’s brilliant.
Roll your eyes back in your head, drop your drawers, and pinch a loaf in the middle of the floor. You have to be careful doing this because drinking a bunch of booze when you aren’t used to it can give you the squirts. This can lead to splashback on your hightop sneakers (I forgot to mention that you have to dress like an 80’s slut.), but where you need to be careful is when you go to leave. You have to be careful not to slip in the wet shit, or you’ll be basting in your own juices, and that’s gonna take more than microdermabrasion to clear that memory from your psyche.
Once you get thrown out, you should probably go somewhere and give out some $20 blowjobs. While you’re dressed for it, I mean. I know you are low on funds, and you can’t afford to drink like this with no dough, so you might as well juggle some nuts for cash. You need to show up there again the next day and tell her that you want her to take a drink of your bourbon. Make sure it’s in a brown paper bag and wipe the mouth of the bottle on your sleeve as you hand it to her. (Extra points if you have a moth-eaten wool sweater from a thrift shop.)
After you get thrown out again, walk back in and say that you need to reshedule your appointment. There’s a good chance that she will “break up” with you, but if she decides to reschedule, tell her that you’ll just keep coming back until she’s not busy.
And you’re free.
Now what you need to do is get a hold of me. My buddy has a mobile sand blasting company, and he would probably work a lot cheaper than these so called professionals. If it’s still out of budget, I have a palm sander that I got in the Crappy Tire dumpster, and it works not too bad. I could throw some 240 grit on it and get you shined up for about nine bucks. Let me know what day you want.
I got a freaky old lady named Cocaine Katie, who embroiders on my jeans,
Smarty
P.S. Oh yeah, I missed August for Crazy Animal Sex Photos so here it is:

Hahaha. I know. I need help.

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4 thoughts on “Therapy Thursday

  1. While I must say Mrs. Birdman has given some sound, logical advice to Buying A Loofah… Smarty’s advice seems to really take care of the problem. If I ever have an issue with “breaking up” with someone (service person, friend I no longer want to be friends with, etc), I may have to try Smarty’s way.

    • Yeah, he’s really not all there, but sometimes he makes a bit of sense. My true love is always right, but just a little bit vanilla. Not in life though, she’s a spicy one when it comes to living. 😉

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