Therapy Thursday

For this Therapy Thursday we have the lovely Lady E from the blog: Adventures in Estrogen. If you haven’t checked out her blog, you should do that now. I’m hoping that she will make a regular stop here, because I think that her style and sense of humour fit well with the general feeling of chaos that we have around here on a regular basis. I want to welcome her with open arms, and an outstretched penis, and I hope you will do the same. Well, if you have a penis. If not, maybe let her rub a tit or something. Oh, and GET PICTURES.

I recently become a father for the first time 2 months ago. Around a month before this, the mother of my child ended our relationship. This came completely out of the blue to me as there were no signs that anything was wrong. I attributed it to depression etc. Anything to rationalise it and convince myself it was temporary. I’ve since realised that, although she has told me I did nothing wrong and she acted solely on her feelings about the future, it was not a temporary thing and there genuinely is nothing more for us.

I’ve not had any sexual contact with anyone since this happened. The thought of it does not appeal to me, I feel incapable of differentiating between sex and making love and I don’t see myself ever loving anyone ever again the way I loved her. I don’t honestly see myself ever being able to be happy again.

I realise it’s early days but, how do you recommend I move my life forward when at the moment the idea of sex really does not appeal?

Dejected Daddy

I was a little speechless when I first got your letter, mostly because I can relate perhaps a little too well. It was going to be impossible to avoid all the reassuring clichés of encouragement with this situation, since it’s our initial go-to in our best attempt at being genuinely sympathetic. Let’s get them out of the way, shall we?

It gets better with time.”

Time heals all wounds.”

There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

There’s light at the end of the tunnel.”

Blah, blah, motherfucking blah.

Yes, it will get better in time and although no circumstances are exactly the same, it should get easier. Is it shitty? Of course it is! It’s one of the worst fucking things when someone you love decides on a whim that they don’t love you back, but it’s one of the hands we sometimes get dealt.

As far as the sex goes, and as much as I’m a horny cow the majority of the time, the bottom line is that we have sex to feel good. If it doesn’t make you feel good right now, then don’t do it! And for fuck’s sake, don’t search it out just because you think you should be having it. It sounds like it would just make you feel worse anyway. Have a wank and get on with your day.

(You could also take up a new hobby. I’m not even being a smarmy bitch; it really can help to keep your mind busy.)

There is most definitely a difference between fucking and making love, but that doesn’t mean everyone is good at making that separation, especially when there’s the slightest bit of emotion involved. Some people are promiscuous by nature, and some are not. And both are Okay! The problem is when someone who’s one way is being made to be the other. You know which one you are and that’s a great quality of self-awareness; many struggle.

It’s true that you might never love anyone the way you loved her, but that just means you will love someone again, just differently. Different is good! Different is experience, maturity, healing and time.

Does it take a long time? Possibly, but the definition of “a long time” is entirely up to you.

Until then, take the love that you have for her and refocus it onto that new child. Some might say that having a constant reminder of the mother can hurt, but I like to focus on the fact that you loved her so much and that that child is your gift. Treasure him/her.

Everything else will fall into place when you’re ready.

Flying at the speed of light, thoughts were spinning in my head, so many things were left unsaid, it’s hard to let you go,

Lady E

Dear Daddy: (I never thought I’d have to say those two words again after I got out of jail.)

I would think that you’d be hitting every piece of ass you could find after having your heart crushed like a couple of Ketamine tabs. From your note, I can tell that you are maybe a titch sensitive and a little bit sad because you lost this “amazing love” that you thought you had. Well snap out of it! You don’t need some cunty witch who can’t make up her own goddamn mind, to make your life complete.

You need your kid, but that’s neither here nor there.

Welcome to Bubble Town. Please watch your step, and if you aren’t too busy, I could use a hug.

The best way to get over that pus gutted whore, is to take a little trip to a place I like to call “Bubble Town” when it’s her time to look after the little beggar. That’s a beautiful part of joint custody, because you can have a few days every so often to blow your mind.

If you’re uncertain as to what “bubble” is, fear not. No one really knows what it’s made of, so you aren’t alone in that respect. It used to be called “meow meow”, but that shit got outlawed, so they changed the formulas to one that no one really remembers anymore. It doesn’t matter what’s in it anyhow, it gets you fucked up, and it’s probably safe. (Disclaimer – Change The Topic does not endorse illegal drug use, and can almost guarantee that Smarty Pantaloons is not an expert on the damage that drugs do to your body. He showed up here today with an IV bag, and an enema tube still attached, with a bullet hole in his left forearm. Do not listen to anything he says because you will probably die)

Now this shit gets you all lovey dovey, and you lose your inhibitions. That gives you free reign to find a nice quiet park and masturbate in public. That’s a very freeing experience and can help you look at the world in a totally different light. Well, until the cops get a hold of you. Then you need to fucking run.

One thing I should tell you is that you will want to fight the cops, but that’s just the dope talking. If you try it they will beat you to the ground, and then they will take all of your leftover bubble while laughing and trying to pick your teeth out of their boots.

Wait, what did that sex therapist lady say? You might better do what she says, because I am feeling a little bit woozy. I might take a nap.

They stabbed it with their steely knives, but they just can’t kill the beast,

Smarty

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20 thoughts on “Therapy Thursday

  1. So I stalked Lady E here..and now I have a new blog to follow. My trouble is which blog do I list in the pretty little comment box?? The one that makes me look like a sweet person, honest, funny, opinionated. Or the one that shows the dirty minded little tramp I am.. ahem I went with the first one. If you want the other it is gonna cost ya. First off I am so glad you told him to listen to Lady E. Smarty pants needs a few hits and I don’t mean off the bong. I have to say I feel so bad for this guy and could kick the bitch in the throat. Why is it the good guys are the ones who get done shitty like that. Sweetie she apparently didn’t deserve you.. love your kid and be ready to step up for custody. Because if she is that flighty in relationships trust that is not going to change.. Now your focus is on raising that boy to be as honest as you.. hoping you find peace of mind and healing soon.

  2. As a parent of 2 who suffered a divorce before my youngest turned 1, I feel this dude’s pain.

    4 years later, I am having a lot of sex. A LOT.

    Time does heal wounds. How quickly it works, however, is on a case by case basis. Chin up, keep calm, yadda yadda.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to wake up my girlfriend by poking her in the face…

  3. Police are so uptight in this country. They won’t let you inject battery acid into your veins. They won’t let you masturbate in the park. They won’t let you run naked into a preschool, screaming. Land of the free? Hardly.

    • I say that if you inject enough battery acid, they won’t even need to bother with you. You should move to Canada. It’s much more free here. We had Obamacare before it was cool.

  4. Lady E, I think you made me cream my jeans a little. Are you single? In an open relationship? Willing to have a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side? I am open to all those possibilities.

    Smarty, as usual, you are a douchbag. And that’s what I like about you.

    HAve you tried the Drano enema yet? Makes you see the world in bright BRIGHT colours.

  5. Damn, I’m totally that dude who uses those sympathetic cliches. I have to stop that. I haven’t lived enough to provide such commentary as that. I guess I’m the newb around here. Well, except for the whole drug bit, I suppose.

    P.S. I have a Google+, now. I think I added you to my circle, but I’m Google+ illiterate and have no idea what I’m doing.

  6. PS. There are far too many pictures of me floating around. I’m sure they can be located if one looks hard enough. I’m hoping they get found just as I’m running for office somewhere. I’d totally own that! Ahem.

  7. I already had wet dreams about lady E and now she’s teamed up with a snarky fuck who makes me swoon.
    I’m all randy.
    Yay for advice.
    And super for a new blog that endorses overdose.

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