Dear Therapy Thursday:
So here’s my problem: my girlfriend has a big crush on Judge Judy and I just don’t get it. Can you help me understand?
Wishing It Was Oprah
Dear Wishing: I really struggled with this one. Part of me wants to tell you to run away, but then I realized that you might be lesbians, and I never want to see lesbians break up.
If you are a man, run for the hills, unless that’s where you already are, because, let’s face it, this is a pretty hillbilly dilemma, if I ever did see one.
If you are a lady, then I suggest a few different things, so read them all and choose whichever one makes you
I would sit down and show your special girl some images of 69 (coincidentally her age) year old vaginas.* Explain to her that nothing good can come of being with a woman that old, and that you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. (One of my favourite sayings). Hopefully she will see the folly of her ways and strip down in front of you while slowly gyrating to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye (no pun intended). This is hopefully the one you choose, but number two is pretty good as well.
Dress up as Judge Judy and seduce her with your best Brooklyn accent. You can’t have anything on under your robe, and every once in a while, turn your back to her and flash a little ass. Tell her you need to see her in your chambers to discuss sentencing, and make sure you show her the gavel. If you don’t have a gavel, you can use a riding crop or a leather strap. She will be putty in your hands. On second thought, I like this one best, so maybe try it first.
The third thing you can try is to have a threesome with an elderly woman, just to see if you both are into that shit. I have to tell you, that this is not my favourite of the scenarios, but if it will help keep two lesbians together, then I really can’t stand in the way, can I?
When you pound your gavel, our hearts resonate, you serve up justice on a TV dinner plate,
* Not the Gangbanging Grannies photos. You’ll have a hard time arguing with those. Get a pic or two of some prolapsed ones or something.
Dear Crazy: What the fuck is there to understand? Judge Judy is mind-numbingly sexy, and your girlfriend is brilliant to realize this.
If I ever met her, I would climb all up inside that robe of hers and go to fucking town. I bet she’s wearing a Venus Penis or something under that thing. I would do things to her that would make the inbred fuckers on Deliverance cringe. I wonder if she ever has a little girl on girl with that Cristina judge from the other show, or maybe she does it with Judge Alex? He’s a strapping lad. I bet he can throw a dick around, but probably not as good as Judge Joe Brown.
I wonder how I could chance that meeting with her though. I guess I would have to get a federal pardon so I could travel in the US, and I should probably buy a suit or something. I don’t want her to think I’m some derelict or something. I think something with some ruffles or frills would look sharp. Should I get my tooth cleaned before we meet? It actually doesn’t look too bad when it gets polished. I don’t know if I can technically call it a tooth, because it’s a piece of chrome that got wedged into my gums when I was getting my face smacked by the bumper of an old Impala. I think I’ll shine it up anyhow.
Wait a minute. What were we talking about? God damn it. I need to quit drinking Windex. That shit fucks up my memory.