Well, we have a busy one today, so let’s try to get through it in a timely fashion. I was hit with three problems this afternoon, and as much as I love doing this, it would be nice to get them a little earlier. Anyhow, beggars can’t be choosers, so here we go.
Dear Therapy Thursday: This is about my boyfriend and I. We’ve been dating for almost 3 months now. I was just wondering, is there a rule as to how long a couple should wait to introduce each others kids? We are both seemingly in love, and I’m ready, but he seems to be holding back…not sure if this is something you would write about but there you go.
Relax there, Skippy. What’s the fucking rush? Is your biological clock winding up again?
I met Mrs. B’s kids as a friend, several times before we told them that I was moving in. That way, if I turned out to be Douchebagger Vance, she wouldn’t have to explain shit to them, like why their mom is a dating machine. (She wasn’t, but could have been if I hadn’t Rico Suaveed the shit out of her.)
I really cannot count the amount of times that I sat in my truck below her apartment and waited for those kids to fall asleep. At first I thought that she was embarrassed for her kids to meet me, but after a while, I realized that she was being honest with me, and just didn’t want her kids to see a stable of men passing through their lives while she searched for the love of her life. (hint – That’s me!)
I remember telling my mom about it, and I was alluding to the fact that I thought it was crazy, when she said that she was a smart girl, and that her daughters didn’t need a woman who may turn into a serial dater as their role model. Yeah, he’s sweet to you now, and my personal limitations are three months before you know if you love someone, but it’s different when you have kids. Why do you need your kids to meet him any how? Then they’ll expect to do shit as a family, and you guys need to get in as much couple time as possible.
Well, it wasn’t too long till the lust all died, and I’ll admit I wasn’t too surprised, the day I came home and found my suitcase sittin’ out on the porch,
Dear Smarty: My neighbor is a drunk piece of dogshit know-it-all. He is always in my face with his god damn beer breath, and is constantly making veiled inferences like, I’m lying about something, I’m stupid, or my friends are idiots. The problem is that he never comes out and says it. He just says shit like, “I may be old, but I’m not dumb.” or “I wasn’t born yesterday.” I wish he would just come out and say it, so that I’ll feel less bad about curb-stomping his last 5 teeth out. Fuck me, I get so worked up over this shit. What can I do?
Punch that cunt in the throat.
Now someone pass that hookah.
A good friend asked me to take her dog to the kennel for her, because he was too big for her new car. I forgot, and now I feel like a sack of rat turds. She ended up walking her dog and a stroller full of kids the 6 miles to the kennel herself. How do I stop from feeling like the worst friend in the world?
Worst Friend In The World
You are the worst friend in a radius of at least thirty miles from where you live. Don’t forget it. I would like to drag you behind my car for what you’ve done. How do you even look in the mirror?
Dear Untrustworthy: You are as worthless as a can of piss. If I could bend my legs I would dropkick you in the throat. I should make you swallow my butt plug.