Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman,

I have had a terrible itch in my groin area for weeks now. It is quite embarrassing since the itch gets overwhelming and I end up scratching myself in public. Or sometimes I try rubbing against a pole or another person for relief. The judge said I can’t do that anymore. Is there anything you can do to help me?

Yours truly,

Itchy Bush

Dear Itchy,

Your problem reminds me of all of the times I’ve caught crabs from impure women toilet seats in my younger days. What I do is scratch it until it’s raw and bleeding, and then pour rubbing alcohol all over the affected area. You may find the pain unbearable, so you should go out and steal half a dozen oxycodone from an injured relative, or if that isn’t possible, you’ll have to buy some from a dealer. Give me a call if that’s the case, and I’ll hook you up. I don’t know if that actually kills the little bastards, or if it’s the ensuing hospital stay and shaving, but you’ll be back to normal in a few weeks.

There might be a little dust on the bottle,

Birdman

 

 

 

Dear Itchy,

I am pretty sure you are the asshat that keeps sending me friend requests on Facebook. (how many ‘Itch EeBush’s can there be?). I’m going to make this short and sweet: You need to get yourself something for that nasty-ass situation you have brewing in your drawers.  I recommend Kwellada Shampoo and a more discerning approach to dating.

Living like a honey badger,

Mrs. Birdman

Dear Birdman,

My dog’s penis tastes bitter. What causes that?

Pink Pencil Ponderings

Dear Pink,

You need to feed a holistic diet, with one tablespoon of maple syrup mixed in with each feeding. I think you’ll find a much more pleasant taste, and a silkier texture. Enjoy.

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses,

Birdman

 

 

 

OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE…that’s it! I give up.

If we don’t get better questions for Therapy Thursdays, I am taking a permanent vacation. This is bullshit.

Thinking you all need a probation officer and better hygiene,

Mrs. Birdman

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5 thoughts on “Therapy Thursday

  1. I’m relieved that you showed some discretion and changed my name to Pink Pencil Ponderings for that last question. I was worried you would reveal my true identity.

    Sincerely, Jay Sharp

    Pee.Ess. You aren’t going to post this comment are you?

    • Yeah, it posts automatically after you’ve had one comment approved. Thanks for making Mrs. Birdman so angry, now it looks like there’s room for a new advice columnist over here at Change the Topic. Can you see what Megan P. Murphy is doing?

  2. Thank you so much! Not often enough do you actually get to laugh out loud, today I did 🙂 Mrs. Birdman I feel for you having to dole out advice to these…… I don’t even have the words I am laughing so hard.

  3. Don’t leave us Mrs.Birdman!! We love you so much!! You’re advice is way better then Birdman’s! YOU have actually helped me. With dating. Not itching.

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