Dear Therapy Thursday:
I married a Republican.
I know, I know!! But I swear to god, it sounded like a good idea at the time! He was really smart, hysterically funny, super hot, AND my family loved him. (Oddly, since they are all RABID Democrats.) And I thought, “Hey, I’m undeclared anyway, since I’m both ultra liberal (socially), and ultra conservative (fiscally). It’ll be OK.”
And it mostly has been. But here we are, a period of time later (yes, *I* know how long we’ve been married. That was a direct quote.) And he still does not know that starting a discussion about how awful it was for Obama to declare his support of birth control to a high school auditorium is probably not a good idea 5 minutes before bedtime. Of course, it degenerated into a big argument (which, I suspect, consisted of both of us arguing completely different issues from each other). And, since I am now WIDE awake, and you’re desperate for Therapy Thursday victims, I thought I’d help you out. ‘Cause that’s how I roll.
So, I need suggestions on how to communicate better with someone when you’re on completely opposite ends of the spectrum (clearly, my policy of avoidance is not working out well).
Ready To Murder Mitt
First of all, reach over and give your man a handy while you are reading this. Yeah, that’s right. Slow and easy. Now on the upstroke, gently run a finger… Oh, sorry. Okay, where were we? Right, the fucking republicans.
Personally, I’d leave the fucking prick. You are never going to last with a right-wing, fundamentalist douche like that. It’s because of Obama that I can go to the free clinic when I get to NY and get as many condoms as I want, and there’s a free needle exchange too! Score for the Pantaloons! It’s actually really handy, because I fill the condoms up with heroin and then hoop them back across the border, but not before I sample the wares with a nice, clean needle. Thank YOU, Mr. President. I shall salute you, just as soon as I get the use of my right arm back.(I must have hit a nerve)
I’ll never understand what people see in republicans anyhow. They all smell like judgement, and hypocrisy, and there isn’t one of them that doesn’t smoke meth or fuck hookers. They are a cyst on the uterus of society, and I’ve actually caught a couple of them sacrificing a calf, and then burning it on the altar to please the lord. Apparently they didn’t get the memo that God is dead. I read it in some German guy’s book.
Anyhow, what I would do, is to sneak to his underwear drawer while he is sleeping, and rub some stinging nettles into all of his gotchies. I’d also put laxatives in everything he eats, and then put tiny razor cuts on his schlong. This will make sure that he never reproduces. You may need to load him up with some Gravol or Benedryl first though.
You need to keep doing these types of things for a long period of time, and get creative too. Think of other things that will drive him mental over time, adapt to your surroundings, fuck with his mind.
He deserves it.
Then when he has reached his breaking point, tell him that God spoke to you in a dream, and said that if he doesn’t register with the democrats, this will keep going on forever. When he signs up, start lightening up on him. By the time he actually believes that Obama is the saviour, you will have completely stopped the cruel punishment.
After all of this is done, write in again. We’re going to need to tell you how to strike up a conversation with a different type of God fearing lunatic.
Dear Ready: The way that I’ve found it easiest to talk to republicans is to drink a pint of rubbing alcohol and smoke a bowl. They are seriously so bull-headed that you will go crazy yourself if you try to reason with them sober.
That’s just me venting.
I really don’t know what to tell you. I’m a liberal, because we don’t have democrats here, but I don’t vote liberal. I’m one of those people that doesn’t agree with any of them, but I have to vote for someone, so I vote Green.
The Green party will never be in power while I’m alive, but I feel that if enough people stray from the big 3 parties, those bastards will have to take notice that the people aren’t happy, and I can still bitch about whoever is in power because I voted. I only tell you this to give you some background of where I’m coming from.
My beautiful wife could probably counsel you better on this subject, but she’s busy with her job of keeping daddy in Canadian made boxers, and isn’t able to blog tonight. You see, I don’t think that there should be a problem with having such a huge gap in political beliefs, as long as you love each other for who you are, and focus on the values and respect that brought you together in the first place.
Now if you have asked him to please not slag your chosen party, then he should respect your wishes, and leave it alone, but that goes both ways. You can’t take any jabs at his (shitty) choices either. Keep the politics out of the bedroom, and you will both be happier. Like there isn’t better things to do in bed anyhow. Get cocooning, you horny little freaks.
Hey, I just met you, and this is cr… I can’t do it,
It’s not like I have time for this today, but I had to jump in. Neither of these bastards are giving you any decent advice, so the task falls to Mrs. Birdman to dole out the tough love. Here’s the deal. You believe the sky is blue. He believes the sky is full of cotton candy and unicorns. Neither of you will ever convince the other to adopt your view point. It’s that simple. Like asking a lady her age, you should never ask a lady about her politics either. Let this not-so-sleeping dog lie. You are going to have to step back from your heated debate and call a truce. Agree to disagree. Understand that politics may be the only subject you cannot broach comfortably, and leave it at that. I recognize that this will leave a giant hole in your relationship, which you will keep having to step around to get along, but what is the alternative? You can argue until you are blue in the face, getting angrier and angrier, and ensuring that NOBODY will get any tonight. I’m tired of it. Just kiss and make up, and hit the sheets sister. You might as well give him a blowie too, since you got him all riled up. It seems only fair, since his political party sucks so much more than yours does. Consider it his consolation prize.
P.S. Head over to A Beer For The Shower’s Kickstarter page.
You can get all sorts of cool shit drawn up, they’ll tweet anything you want them to for money, and they’ll sexually gratify anyone that pledges more than $8. (Well, Brandon will) These guys aren’t asking for handouts, (but they’ll take them), they are willing to work for your donations. Where do you think I got the skookum new banners? (Beat you to it, Bryan) That’s right, from those guys. You send a pic of yourself, give them a paltry sum, and you’re in like Flynn. They can even give your character a recurring role in their webcomic. Maybe you are a friend of ours, but don’t like having your face on the blog? Get a new face drawn up, and I’ll paste it over your real face when you get caught making out with one of the rummies that passed out by the cannon in the park.