Therapy Thursday

Dear Therapy Thursday,

Today I was at the gym, and saw a “girl” whom I believe is a professional body builder. Though she was my height, bigger than me and stronger than me, and she had (pretty much) all the characteristics of a man, I found her quite attractive. (Despite knowing that she could probably crush my head like a grape with her powerful thighs, and would likely insist on being on top.)

I’ve been looking for a way to get my wife into 3-ways, and this seems like a perfect opportunity! (Something for everyone – all that muscle, and boobs, too!) How would you suggest I approach the topic with my wife?

Sincerely,

Hoping Our Marriage Opens

Dear Hoping: Really? I just have to say that I don’t find bodybuilders attractive, and don’t understand what people see in that lifestyle. I know that it can’t be that they want to be healthy, because dehydrating and starving  yourself for the sake of competition is not at all healthy, and I don’t care who you are, you need some body fat to stay at the necessary “gripping” level if you want to have sex with me (and my lady, if she’s agreeable).

It put’s the wiener in my hand, or it gets the hose.
photo credit: chive.com

Don’t get me wrong, I think that threesomes are probably great, and if there’s anyone out there that wants to learn me up on the subject, you know how to click on the “harass us” page. Send me a message somehow, please. I don’t give a shit if you have to send me a smoke signal, tap out some Morse code on a fucking sardine tin, or physically pick your fat ass up of the couch and jog to me, you had better do it. I’m not missing my chance at a threesome, just because you aren’t “into it”.

Now what I would do is to get your wife and testostrogirl to go out for a couple of drinks with you. This will give them a chance to relax around each other. If you can get them to a strip joint, even better. You might want to start in with the threesome “jokes” from the start, because it will help you gauge their level of interest earlier on, so at least you have something to measure your progress against.

Wait a minute. I’m assuming that you have discussed this with your wife already, right? You know, the fact that a threesome interests you. I don’t know if you are aware of this, but communication is key in any trusting relationship. Once you have brought this up with your wife, and she’s on board, you can then proceed to the, asking the muscle-bound chick out for some social lubricant stage.

I hope that you are forthcoming with her before she has too many drinks, because it wouldn’t be a very gentlemanly thing to do if you tried to get her wasted first. Just a couple drinks to take the edge off, and bring it up. If she seems receptive, make your proposal, and ask her to think about it and get back to you within a few days. If she does, awesome. If not, then you should maybe think of an adult alternative lifestyle website, and advertise for a female weightlifter interested in a threesome with a couple.

Whatever you do, make sure your wife is with you on every step, and good luck, buddy.

It feels so good, it must be wrong, we’re freakin’ at the freaker’s ball,

Birdman

P.S. Check out a short, old post about me and threesomes.

 Can someone please design a banner for me? Just because I have to use a library computer to go on the internet, and have no skills. Until then, I’ll take up all of the room typing in huge letters. Smarty Pantaloons. Oh yeah, there’s a lot of swearing, so maybe mention that in the fucking banner.

Dear Hoping: Fuck that shit. You gotta trick her, or else you’ll never get anything.

I had a girlfriend with her own apartment once. It was cool. When she finally gave me a key, I knew that I was going to have a threesome. Where I was lucky, was the fact that this chick was a bodybuilder herself, and so hot.

One of her competition shots. I miss her.

Now, I like to drink, and other stuff, so I meet all kinds of people.

One night while she was at the gym, I was huffing some Pam behind a dumpster with Dirty Gene. Gene starts to get a little violent, so I try to calm him down. He tells me that the only thing he wants is to have a threesome, so I tell him to come with me to her apartment.

When we got there I put him in the closet and oil up the hinges with the last bit of Pam that I could drip out of the now empty can. I tell him to wait there until my old lady gets her sinewy ass into the bed and we start getting at it. He has never done anything like this before, so I give him a few hints about ass play, and the different erogenous zones, and then he figures he’s good to go. I shut the closet door, drank a little bit of the fondue fuel with some OJ, and waited.

When she walked in, she said it was over with us because I wouldn’t get a job, I took every last bit of booze, drugs, and household cleaner from her place, and she couldn’t find any of her inhalantscans of Raid. She said she loved me, and that she would miss my sense of humour, but that she couldn’t keep doing it.

You know what? Fuck her. I begged and pleaded for her to at least let us have one more night of love before she threw me to the cold streets. She agreed to give me that.

Haha, sucker.

When we started going at it, Gene snuck into the room and kind of hovered around in the dark, but when he finally got the courage up, it was fantastic. He took every tip I gave him and ran with it. After a few minutes I forgot she was even in the bed, and I just enjoyed Gene’s smooth moves. There was a lot of moaning going on, and when the lights came on, and she was staring at Gene and I in what I believe is called “The Yawning Position”, she lost her shit.

It was worth the trip to the hospital to have the lamp removed from my ass, and the eighteen stitches to Gene’s head from where she brained him with the candle that I stolebought her for her birthday.

God I miss him. We parted ways after that night, but I’ll always cherish the five hours that we spent together.

Anyhow, go out and trick her into whatever you have to, but get yourself a threesome. You won’t regret it.

I wish I had a photo of Gene to show you, but picture a shorter, fatter Abe Vigoda and you’ll just about have it.

Smarty

P.S. Here’s a video that will give you some hints, in case you don’t like my suggestion.

 

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26 thoughts on “Therapy Thursday

  1. … I’m new to this site, but are these real questions? Is someone really trying to hook up with a body builder? I ask because I have some questions that need answering — like what exactly, is the ideal “trim” level of a man’s pubes?

    • Well, young Jeezy Brown, I’ll tell you. People can send in any questions to us, and at least two of our panel will answer them on the following Thursday. They are questions by real people, but I don’t know how real they are. What you can do is email in your question to us, and we will address it on the Thursday next.

  2. Smarty, a word of advice when having a threesome. Always remember the lube! WD-40 seems to work the best. It will help when removing the lamp and “other” things from your ass.

    And Jezzy, word on the street is, chicks dig a man who has totally shaved his pubes. Plus, it makes the meat and two veggies look bigger.

    • Smarty only gets to use the library computer a few times a day, and I doubt he will take time out of his porn watching to come on here. Anything’s possible though.

  3. So talk to me about this banner…

    I like ‘fit’ girls, chicks who have that ‘v’ leading down to the sanctum sanctorum (not to be confused with the sanctum santorum…) but if she can bench-press me, that’s a bit much.

    Does ‘spinner’ qualify as a category?

    • Smarty figures he needs his own banner, like everyone else here has. One person has made him one, and the guys at abeerfortheshower.com have graciously drawn up a pic that we will use in another one. Anyone can make them and we will either rotate them, or have a contest to see which one will be Smarty’s new banner.

  4. I think threesomes are one of those guy fantasies that sounds better on paper than reality. Female body builders are gross. I don’t want to be with a woman that is more manly than me.

    Funny read!

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

  5. I’m likely too insecure for a threesome. I’d be the guy who was invited to a threesome with two chicks only to watch them get after it. Jeezy, trim not shave.

    WG

  6. I suspect, a fellow crawling into bed with a female body builder would be quite similar to a woman crawling into bed with a male body builder. Doesn’t all the steroids and juice shrivel your manhood up into nothingness?

    From those picture, they should have to wear “I’m a man” or “I’m a woman” buttons on their shorts?

    • Nothing different than some married guys, from what I hear. They shrivel right up to the point of falling off. 😉

  7. While I agree that I don’t find it that attractive, I have seen a few bodybuilding gals I did think were pretty hot. Maybe knowing they could kick the shit out of me was a selling point, but I dunno. Good post.

    • I appreciate the congratulations and the offer, and you are more than welcome to do one up that will go into the rotation, but thanks to A Beer For The Shower, and a spicy little Mexican tamale, we have a few things made up. We do welcome variety here though, so if we had another, it sure wouldn’t hurt.

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