Dear Birdman: I’m trying to lose weight. I do pretty good on the working out side. But my diet is horrible. I love all the “bad food” and don’t have willpower to stay away. Help!
Patty Too Fatty
Dear Patty: Have you ever written me at the right time, friend! I just lost 20lbs on this amazing new diet where you can eat anything you want and never get off the couch! It’s truly changing my life. If only I had discovered this incredible solution to my weight problem sooner!
Why the fuck wouldn’t you want to be that happy?
Now before you get your credit card out to order this miracle diet I’m hawking, let me just let you just tell you that I am a big fat liar (literally) and there is no miracle diet. You knew that already, though, didn’t you?
The truth is, you put on extra weight by consuming too many delicious treats, and not moving your ass around. I’m totally simplifying things, but I’m probably right. Unless you have become incapacitated by some injury, or medical condition(syphilis), it’s likely that the person you can squarely lay the blame on is staring you back in the mirror, possibly with cookie crumbs on her lips.
Unfortunately, weight loss, like weight gain, doesn’t happen overnight. To remove excess weight from your frame you are going to have to either a) cut down on the amount and type of food you are eating, b) increase the amount and quality of exercise you are doing, or c) all of the above. There is nothing magic about weight loss, and countless clinical studies have proven that losing weight and maintaining the loss will require discipline, hard work and sacrifice on the part of the person who wishes to be thinner.
If you think about it this way, you will remain exactly the same way that you are, if you continue to do the exact same things that you do. Alternatively, unless you find some way to change your life, you will continue to see the same doughy, man-boobs (or luscious lady-thighs) in the mirror that you have been glaring accusingly at all along.
For most people, it requires some kind of an epiphany, where they decide they are finally done with being overweight. I don’t know what form your epiphany will take, or if it will occur at all, but when it does, you will begin the process of eating better, and moving more in the pursuit of your goal.
I don’t know if “prick” is the word I would use.
There are some really fantastic websites that can help you on your way, when you are ready to begin. For a great example of a free approach to nutrition and body health, you can visit the fine folks at http://www.sparkpeople.com
, where you can find good information about all things related to heathy living. If you are interested in using your smart phone to help you track your daily diet, try downloading My Fitness Pal
which is a fantastic app to use to find out what your daily food intake really looks like, and where you need to improve. These sites (and many more) allow you to create a profile, and begin forming a supportive group of online people who can help to encourage you and keep you on track. Studies have shown that friends who support each other in weight loss are far more successful in their efforts than those who try to go it alone. (http://www.apa.org/topics/obesity/support.aspx
Regardless of whether or not you need to lose weight, the bottom line is, you still need to find a way to love your body and feel good in the skin you are in. When we are taking good care of ourselves, and have a positive self image, we can accomplish far more in achieving our personal goals.
Who put the bomp in the bompshebompshebomp,
There ain’t no party like a Smarty Pantaloons party.
Dear New Fuck Buddy: Why the hell would you want to lose weight? If it’s because no one wants to bang you, then we haven’t met face to face yet. I don’t give a shit if you’re eighty pounds, or three hundred and eighty pounds. I’ll pour the nuts to you, and I’ll even toss the salad if I can find it.
It takes me back to something my dear old grand-dad used to tell me when he would bounce me on his knee.
“Smarty” he’d say. “Always bang big women. That way your nuts never chafe on the sheets.”
He was right, and I’ve also found that the bigger ladies give 110% in the sack. Those skinny sluts get laid all the time, so they can just lay there, but when you get a girl that makes you feel like you are fifteen again, and experimenting with your Uncle Dave’s milking machine at the dairy barn, you learn to appreciate the finer things in life.
The bony bitches also feel hollow inside on account of they don’t have much meat up in there. A chubby girl is plump all over, and that means a much more comfortable ride for everyone involved. I’ve had all kinds, and as much as I like to be able to pick a girl up and spin her around to whatever direction I want, I also like to be able to grab hold of a woman and not worry about crushing her pelvis, rib cage, or pipe. There is something satisfying about having a lady who seems like she wants to get laid by you, even when you aren’t paying her. We all know that a woman is a pretty good actor when she wants a crisp fin or a sawbuck, right?
So anyhow, honey. Don’t you worry about losing any of that weight, and if you don’t have a man that will go balls deep with you, then you just come and have a visit with old Smarty.
I want to fuck you like an animal, I want to feel you from the inside,