Therapy Thursday

Due to Mrs. Birdman being away for this Therapy Thursday, I have had to bring Smarty Pantaloons in as me, and I’m going to be the voice of reason. For those of you that are unaware of him, he is a well meaning fellow that makes bad choices in his life. You know it’s bad when I’m the straight man. This means that there will probably be more drug use and foul language than in other posts. I’m sorry, but you know how I don’t like to censor people for swearing.

Dear Birdman: I have a co-worker, we’ll call her Sunshine. She’s sweet as can be. But she’s dumber than shit. Seriously – compared to this bright one, some dogs out there are fucking Rhodes Scholars. You can tell her 50 times “don’t cross this line or you’ll die,” and she’ll forget what she’s supposed to do (or not do, in this case).

How can I keep from punching her in the goddamn throat out of frustration?

Dealing With Dummies

Dear Dealing: If she’s as sweet as you say, you should probably just relax. As long as it’s not hurting anyone, let her be the sweetest, dumb bitch that the world has ever seen.

As long as it’s not hurting anyone.

If it’s affecting her work, your work, or anyone else in the company’s work, you need to do something about it.

You say that she’s a real sweetheart, right? Well, let’s use that against her. Tell her that you’re feeling down, and could really use a hug. While she is providing this, get someone to take a photo, but make sure you have a worried/awkward face. Over the course of a week, get her to do several inappropriate things under the guise of helping you, and others. Once you have sufficient evidence, you turn on her, and go to the boss/HR/whoever cares and get that sweet little girl run off. Hey, don’t feel bad because you just looked into her sad, hound dog eyes and saw confusion and betrayal.

She had to go.

Never mind the fact that this was the only job where nobody called her an idiot to her face, and openly mocked her for forgetting to put the coffee filter in, yet again. How about that she considered you people her friends, and finally didn’t go home crying at the end of each day because everyone hated her, and wrote “dummy” on her sandwich in ketchup. Just forget all that, and get on with your life, because all that matters is that you don’t have to explain something a few extra times.

Of course I am joking. I am one of those folks that tries to help people that can’t fend for themselves. It’s not her fault that she isn’t as smart as you are. Well, unless it’s because she hits herself in the head with a hammer, just to see how soft her skull can get.

My advice is to sit down with her, discuss the problems that you are having, and figure out a way to work past it. If she is just forgetting everything you tell her, make her stick a post-it note to her arm, until the job is done. Maybe there are some memory exercises you could pull off of the internet, or something like that. A lot of the time, if people know it’s a problem, they will consciously try to correct it. If they don’t care enough, or just can’t, then maybe that isn’t the best job for them.

Maybe pin them to the back of her hand.

Just be honest and upfront about your concerns, and then, no matter what, you can work towards a solution in a dignified manner. This will benefit everyone, because no one was treated poorly, and they will appreciate your honesty. Hopefully. If not, they deserve to get skidded.

How sweet to be an Idiot, as harmless as a cloud,

Birdman

Pantaloons’ Turn

Whoa, hold on a minute friend. I say that you should get that bitch’s throat. If someone is a dumb cunt, they need to go; no matter how nice they are. I’ve been fired from over forty jobs for being a dumb cunt, and while I’m not going to say that I didn’t retaliate, I will tell you how to successfully go about this situation based on my last jobcareer.

My last job wasn’t going very well for me, I’ll admit that I was out of my element, and probably shouldn’t have lied on my resume. The other way to look at it is that he shouldn’t have hired a guy whose resume was written in pastel on the inside of a pizza box lid, and passed around at a bar. Especially when it says that I was an engineer, and a designer, and that I was actually “Rubik the cube guy”.(For the record, I did design, and engineer a pretty sweet crack pipe out of a guitar slide and some marble, but I’m not endorsing that behaviour anymore.)

How big a shed do you need? Jeez.

So it’s my first day of being a carpenter’s helper, and we were putting up an outside wall for a lady’s shed. He told me to measure and cut all of the 2x4s, and he was going to run to the store for some concrete anchors. I started measuring the studs and then I cut them all, just like he said. Hey, if you want them cut at certain lengths, you should tell a guy. Don’t just say “measure and cut” some wood, and not give detailed measurements.

So anyhow, he shows up and starts calling me names, and then he skids me. Well, I don’t take kindly to that, so I hide in a bush, and get ready to sabotage him when he isn’t suspecting it.

Maybe next time, I'll actually leave the site, then come back.

Turns out he was suspecting it, so when I go to rush him, he starts shooting nails at me. I had to turn and run, but I did steal his level and framing hammer. It came in handy to pull out the nail that went through my cheekbone, and the one that embedded in my calf.

So in conclusion: punch her in the throat, or better yet, rip her fucking throat out, like Swayze did in Roadhouse, then you don’t need part two. When she tries to rush you, shoot her in the face with a nail gun, but don’t let her get close to your tools, or else she’ll steal them. After she is gone, high five all of the other employees, because now they don’t have to work with an idiot.

We know he can do it. Well, could do it. He's dead now from the cancer.

Smarty Pantaloons

P.S. Birdman, where is my glaucoma medicine that you promised me?

Smarty can be found at http://www.facebook.com/smarty.pantaloons but only if you are over eighteen, and don’t have high blood pressure, or heart problems.

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13 thoughts on “Therapy Thursday

  1. Oh, Smarty, you are the best. Your advice to Dealing With Dummies sounds right on target. If I ever have problems with co-workers, I’m heading for the nail gun. And some extra big nails.

  2. Smarty, you are such a great big bucket of knowledge! I hope you are able to do the odd guest blog for Birdman! I think it would probably blow up the search engines! keep up the terrible work!

  3. wondering if the dumb as shit tear her throat out can be broadened and apply to common folk not just co-workers? You know who I’m talkin bout.. that b&^% in line at the grocery store that allows her half a dozen kids, clearly from multiple fathers run amuck, and flaunt herself in front of your impressionable offspring or the dude at walmart wearing the same wife beater as yesterday? just curious. please advise.

  4. ain’t it a kick in the head ? hehehe
    Love reading these blogs. It’s all Chris Bird’s fault. He posts ’em. I read ’em. Yup that’s the kinda relationship we have teehee

  5. Smarty you ass sniffin’ son of cunt licking whore! You forgot to mention taking the dumb as shit bimbo out back and slammin’ the jets to her! Make her stupid for a reason! Jeebus! Can’t trust you to get anything right!!

    As for your “medicine” I smoked it. What are you gonna do about it? Cunt.

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