Therapy Thursday

 

Dear Birdmans:

Girl meets guy at New Years. Girl sees guy a couple of times, but explains it’s not serious. Guy likes girl WAY too much. Girl kind of likes guy, but not that much. Guy keeps asking if they are in a relationship, which girl replies no, then guy asks if there’s the potential for one. Girl says I don’t want to commit. Guy should take hint but is apparently too daft (or desperate). Girl doesn’t want to hurt guy’s feelings but he’s becoming a stalker. Plus guy is really boring, but guy has lots of money (is it worth the sacrifice?? No….). Advice on how to ditch the guy nicely without giving guy any hope of relationship?? Please?!?!?!? I’m begging you!!!!!

Bang Me And Leave…PLEASE

Dear Bang Me: Baby, you said that it was going to work. We love each other, don’t we? I know I love you. I thought this was a go, because we went out and bought the rings today, paid some of the vendors, and you said that…hey, wait a minute. You aren’t Mrs. Birdman, are you? Shit, that’s a little awkward.

Okay, now here’s the thing, this guy obviously loves something about you, and there’s not much you can do to stop that. You can make the rest of you completely unlovable, but if the guy is that clueless, I’d say he won’t get that hint either. Nope, sometimes you have to go extreme with stalker types.Read on and I’ll tell you a good way to make him either get the fuck out of your life, or become a whole lot more exciting to you.

Step One:

Go on Plenty Of Fish, and find some of the creepiest douchebags that exist. Don’t worry; if you’re on POF, you’ll find them. You’ll need to make a profile that’s just looking for sex, and start finding dudes that are into gangbangs and other fun shit. Make sure they are just greasy and gross, too. You’re not going to want this guy to have anywhere he can look for a silver lining.

Step Two: Go out and get yourself a strap on, a bucket of Crisco, and some sort of flogging tool.

Get butter flavoured, because if it goes how I think it will, he's going to want it to taste good.

Step Three: Once you have five or six guys at the ready, make a date with all of them, about an hour earlier than you make a date with Mr. Boring Balls. Make sure that you have your front window curtains open, and that you are getting DPed in front of it at the time when he is supposed to arrive. As soon as you see him getting close, yell out for him to come on in and join the party.

This is the best I could find for "sub man" on google images. Maybe I need to take the search filter off.

Step Four: He’s a guy, and while at first he may get disgusted, he should be there inside of five minutes. That gives you time to strap up, dip, and get ready to see what this fella is made of. The minute he walks around the corner, you whip him a good one across the back, and then tell him to strip and get on the floor. He will either comply, or run. They are both good options for you, because either he quits bothering you, or you have a rich sex slave forever. Win-Win, if you ask me.

 

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me,

Birdman

Dear Bang Me:

This isn’t going to make me any friends, but I’m going to tell you to quit jerking this guy around.  You’ve obviously given him enough reason to think that although there may not be a future, there is a possibility of a ‘right now’ with you.  You mention he has a lot of dough.  I’m thinking that’s the most attractive thing about him to you.  He is boring, unattractive and makes your skin crawl, but you are still giving him reasons to stick around.  You might say that you aren’t, but the proof is in the fact that he is still pursuing the dream of a relationship with you.  There is nothing impolite about being honest, and telling him he’s turning into a stalker and you just aren’t into it.  As sweet as it is to be stalked (and I would know), at some point, the dude will get the hint if you stop leading him on.

Dude, those shoes don't match your belt.

Get your mind off his bucks, and give it to him straight.  There’s no future here.  None.  Don’t try to spare his feelings.  You are doing more damage by stringing him along with your half-assed attention.  Maybe you are lonely, and he’s better than having no one at all to talk to, but that’s not fair to him. Tell him you aren’t interested, and walk away.  Leave no room for doubt that you are going to change your mind (you won’t).   After you cut him loose, do not phone him, email him, drive by his house, tweet to him, look or comment on his Facebook, or show any interest in his life whatsoever.  Then, and only then, will he get the message that you are not the girl for him, and he can turn his sights to some other girl who will probably jerk him around too.

Mama’s on a cleanse and she’s a bit testy.  Sorry for the tough love, but you needed it…

Mrs. Birdman

P.S. If you have a question, problem, or you just want someone to be mean to you like your drunk uncle used to be before he found Jesus, contact us at birdman@changethetopic.com, on our Google+ page, or one of those other shitty social media sites. (We also do rodent control problems.)

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4 thoughts on “Therapy Thursday

  1. Definitely agree with Mrs. B on this one. As a guy, I would definitely have appreciated the last two girls I went out with to be more straightforward with me, rather than playing the games that they did.

    • That’s a big 10-4, she’s a smart cookie, that one. I have been led on, on several occasions as well, and I agree with you there as well. Just tell a guy what’s up.

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