The Shavedown – Part 3

MOBROS

Darrin too, but he was a late bloomer.

That’s right, if you are new here, then you should step back a bit and check out Part 1 and work your way through. If you refuse, then I will give you a quick rundown of what has happened so far.

We went to Kelly’s Homelike Inn for a shavedown party. There was a jam band and they were awesome. There were photos of drunk shaving with a straight razor and blood.

You’re all caught up.

Kelly's Homelike InnJust going to have a pint at Kelly’s is worth the trip. It’s a sports bar for manly men and the women who love them.

Well, now it is. It didn’t used to be boob friendly.

When I was a wee lad, no women were allowed in there, but around 1976 or 77, they changed that rule. I’m sure the guys taking off early to chase some tail every night was hard to watch as a business owner. Kind of like when they finally got their liquor licence. Gord told me that when they just sold beer, guys would come in for a few, then bugger off to somewhere that they could fill their bellies with whiskey. They were losing out on some business that they were already set up for, I guess.

Chalk it up to changing times.

You know what isn’t changing? How sexy and talented The Savvy is. Ask Jay Sharp of Big Breakfast Blog and Eggs fame about The Savvy’s animal magnetism. He’s renowned for it. I think it’s the yoga pants he wears.

Anyhow, enough about that beast. We’re here to finish off the Shavedown Spectacular, once and for all. I think when we left off, it was Scooter’s turn to be shorn. I won the draw and got to lather him up.

So nice.

I wonder if you you have to go to school for barbering people?

I wonder if you you have to go to school for barbering people?

It was weird, but as I was applying the lather, Mr. Brady came back from the can with his eye crusted shut and a sinister look on his face. He exclaimed that he was shaving the next face and nobody was going to stop him. His one good eye was flicking around the room, maniacally.

Hey, who am I to argue?

I don't know what he whispered, but I'd say it wasn't very encouraging.

Scooter thought that maybe a righty shouldn’t be going southpaw on something like this.

"Oh, no problem," said Mr. Brady. "I'll switch it up right now.

“Oh, no problem,” said Mr. Brady. “I’ll switch it up right now.

"How about if I come up under here? Is that better, Scooter?"

“How about if I come up under here? Is that better, Scooter?”

I don’t think that Scooter figured it was better, but I guess you don’t argue with the crazy guy.

That feels like it's maybe too close. Way too close.

That feels like it’s maybe too close. Way too close.

The crackle in Scooter’s voice made me start paying attention. He’s usually pretty easy going and hard to rattle. Look at the size of him for crissakes.

"Whoa, Mr. B. What the hell are you doing? You're cutting him."

“Whoa, Mr. B. What the hell are you doing? You’re cutting him.”

Luckily he snapped out of it before the blade went deep.

Luckily he snapped out of it before the blade went deep.

I don’t know what got into Mr. Brady, but he got really weird until I said something to him. Scooter still won’t tell me what he was whispering in his ear. He just gets a twitch in his eye and his lip trembles.

It was lucky that I was there and had been nicked by a real barber before, because I knew that you have to stop the bleeding with powder. You see, while I was looking for something to clean up the blood with, I came across a can of Ajax. It’s probably not the same powder as the barber uses, but it might be. Either way, it should coagulate the blood, right?

"Dude, I'm almost 75% positive that it's what my barber uses. It is antiseptic too, and that kills the tetanus."

“Dude, I’m almost 75% positive that it’s what my barber uses. It is antiseptic too, and that kills the tetanus.”

(I don’t know if that’s true, but I think there’s bleach in it so it should kill some shit. Right?)

He wasn’t too keen on the idea. He kept yammering on about “Blah blah, gonna really sting, blah, might poison me, yadda yadda, I’m a whiny baby.”

You don't know until you try.

You don’t know until you try.

Well, I gotta say that he didn’t seem to enjoy that at all.

Hey, at least it worked. It would have sucked to have that kind of pain AND the bleeding.

Hey, at least it worked. It would have sucked to have that kind of pain AND the bleeding.

Click1

While the big fella cleaned up, we went to work on Tweezle. The poor bastard has a bit of a baby face, and said he can’t grow real hair, but we still let Gadget have his turn at the blade for posterity’s sake.

They figured that he needed to at least look like he could grow a 'stache. Apparently a monacle too.

They figured that he needed to at least look like he could grow a some hair. Apparently a monocle too.

He really seemed proud of his moustache and goatee. Like he believed it was real and shit.

Look at me, I’m a dandy.

He actually seemed quite proud of his new moustache and goatee. It was like he believed it was real and shit. THEY JUST DREW IT ON YOU, TWEEZLE!

I want to shave his fancy little nose off.

I want to shave his fancy little nose right off.

It turned out that he’s a bit sensitive about his boyish growth of facial hair. I guess the guys at his work have teased him mercilessly and it gave him a complex. Now I feel bad for wanting to cut his nose off when he was so proud of his tiny lip weasel.

"Awwww, here. I'll shave ya, little fella."

“Awwww, here. I’ll shave ya, little fella.”

Look at the poor bastard. He probably needs to see a therapist because of us.

"Never mind. I'll do it myself. Just leave me alone."

“Never mind. I’ll do it myself. Just leave me alone.”

You know what? That’s bullshit. He knew he was coming to a shavedown. What did he think, that we were shaving each other’s fuzzy nutsacks? I don’t think so. It’s not even close to Scrotember yet.

"Haha, I'm the only one that isn't leaving here wounded. I can't believe they fell for that sappy BS. Suckers."

“Haha, I’m the only one that isn’t leaving here wounded. I can’t believe they fell for that sappy BS. Suckers.”

Yeah, I thought so. Look at that gloating peacock. Well, it looks like we might have a fight on our hands, because ALL MUST BLEED!!!

ALL MUST BLEED!!!

That’s some serious Matrix shit right there.

Facts

  1. No Mo Bros were hurt in this blog post. Yet.
  2. There’s a good chance that two of the five friends in this post will get cancer. It’s more than a 40% probability for Canadian men on average. That’s pretty scary.
  3. The incidences of prostate cancer in Canadian men have slightly declined since 2007.
  4. Movember Canada launched in 2007
  5. I’m trying to play off a coincidence as a correlation, but I have no proof.
  6. About twice a week I worry about getting cancer. Any cancer.
  7. I have a lot of guy friends. Some of them are going to die of prostate cancer, because they won’t catch it in time.
  8. I’m sick of people dying from this fucking disease, and while I realise that us raising some awareness and a few hundredthousand dollars (yay!) to put towards research isn’t going to solve the problem; it will help. It all helps.
  9. Me not raising any awareness or money doesn’t help anyone.

We will cure this dirty old disease, well if you’ve gots the poison I’ve gots the remedy,

Birdman

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