The Grossest Idea I’ve Ever Had (On Here Anyhow)

 

You should seriously turn away here if you don’t enjoy funny stories about a man’s intimacies with farm animals, or if reading isn’t your strong suit, because there are no photos. Oh, okay, I’ll put photos in too, what the hell. Anyhow, this is Gadget’s prize for cheating and becoming the 50th subscriber. It will be a masterpiece as soon as I research some romance novel sex scenes and the physical possibilities of pigs and humans having relations with each other.

The Dark Night in the Barn

“Why did I decide this would be a good day to try selling vacuums to farmer’s wives?” Gadget asked himself as he limped his shiny Ford van down the gravel road. “And why didn’t I put the spare back, after we took it out to smuggle booze into the drive-in?”

He was angry with himself. He was an idiot.

As he crested the knoll, he saw a lone farm in the distance.

‘They would have a plug kit or something there, I’m sure.’  He thought

As he pulled into the drive, he saw a man in the yard, and he was talking to a beautiful young lady in tight beige riding pants, and an equally tight long sleeved t-shirt.

He stopped to stare. He didn’t even notice the farmer watching him as he started to rub his modest erection, while drool dripped onto his shirt. He had never seen such a perfect, tight body on a human. He wanted to have her. Had to have her.

By then the farmer had walked up to the window and asked, “What the fuck is wrong with you, son? That’s my daughter, and she’s only eighteen years old.”

Gadget shook his head and cleared the fog. Had her father seen him rubbing his crotch? He sure hoped he hadn’t.

“I uh, don’t, ummm, she’s so beautiful. I’m sorry, it’s just that I’ve been married for most of my life, and well…”

“Son, you don’t have to tell me. Her Mama is inside, and when you meet her, you’ll see why I go and park across from the high school every Thursday at lunch time. The thing is, that that’s my daughter, and it’s different when it’s the fruit of your loins.”

Gadget understood. He wanted to “high five” the old guy, but that seemed like the wrong thing to do, so he just mentioned that he needed to get his tire fixed and that he wouldn’t mind using the facilities.

The farmer introduced himself as “Bill”, while looking at the tire. “Your rim and tire are fucked. How long have you run on the flat?”

“My name is Gadget, and I don’t know. Maybe nine or ten miles or kilometres. Which one is longer?” Gadget looked up and noticed Bill’s daughter bent over and unzipping her knee length riding boots. His tiny erection was back.

“Jesus, am I going to have to help you with that little problem?” Bill asked as he reached in and gently rubbed Gadgets manboyhood.

God it felt good, because in his mind he was thinking of the young woman who was bent at the hip in front of him. When he realized what was happening, he pushed Bill’s hand away, and explained that he was honoured that Bill would consider it, but that wasn’t what he was into.

“Me neither” said Bill gruffly. “I ain’t no homosexual. I just get lonely is all. Any port in a storm, you know how it is.”

Gadget didn’t know how it was. Yet.

“Anyhow son, we can run into Stanley and Beaner’s Automart in the morning, and get you a new rim, but there ain’t nothing open tonight. You got a place to stay? I don’t suppose you do, so you can stay in the barn for the night. I’d let you stay in the house, but I’m too afraid at what you’d do, being that close to my Janie and all.”

The thought of possibly getting a meeting was enough to make him nod his head. “Okay, sounds good.” He said with a smile.

*****

At the supper table, Janie was wearing a thin wife beater and no bra. Her breasts were standing up perfectly, and her erect nipples were showing through the thin white fabric, like little pink eraser heads. He felt a little bit of pre-ejaculate drip onto his leg. He wished that he knew if she had changed into some shorts or a tiny skirt. If that was her “around the house shirt, he couldn’t imagine her “around the house” bottoms. He dropped a roll on the floor and bent to pick it up.

‘Jesus Christ’ He thought. She was wearing a pair of tight, vintage Adidas shorts that perfectly outlined her beautiful, eighteen year old love muffin.

He came. Then he vomited on his right pant leg, sock, and the floor. He was shuddering and stammering, and fell off of his chair, onto the floor.

The room went black.

When he came to, he was being picked up by the biggest, meanest looking woman he had ever seen. It must be Bill’s wife, and she must have come out of the kitchen when he fell.

As his eyes fluttered, she noticed the wet patch on the crotch of his pants. She touched it, and then smelled her fingers. “Hmmmm, don’t smell like piss.” She then tasted it.

“He done creamed his pantaloonies, Bill. We can’t have no preverts staying here with Janie around.”

“I know, Bertha. I already told him he was staying in the barn.”

“Well, he can done take his supper out there too. I ain’t having him in my house!”

Bill looked at Gadget, who was still staring at Janie’s succulent mound, and he punched his balls in a hearty, but half-playful manner. “You heard her, get out there. Take your plate with you.”

*****

So now Gadget was out in the barn, and he was going insane. Sure he had already had an orgasm, but he felt so incredibly aroused, that he was just trying to figure out how to get back in the house to see her again. Every time he thought about her exquisite face, her long, brown hair, and her pristine body, his loins got hot, and all of the blood went from his face.

He was desperate. He needed a release. He heard a snort and a whinny from a nearby stall.

His face changed from frantic grief, to a creepy smile.

Her horse.

He found the stall, and there was a beautiful, tall, chestnut mare. Right beside him was a saddle. Her saddle.

He bent his face down to the seat, and breathed deeply through his nose. It was her scent, mixed with oiled leather and horse, and it was beautiful.

Despite his fear of horses, he went into the stall and began stroking the beautiful animal. Like she would probably stroke her. He slowly made his way to the back of the horse, and reached under her tail.

“Oh my God, what am I doing?” He wondered, as he looked around him for a stool or chair. This beautiful mare was far too tall for what he wanted. He would need to find an alternate way to go about this, but how? He left the stall in search of a pail or something to stand on. Something to bring him closer to his love.

“OIIINNNK” The squeal pierced the air, and he turned to see where the noise had come from. He found a pen with a large sow, and right next to her, in another pen were a few smaller pigs. As he reached down to touch one, he had but one thought.

‘This pig is much closer to the ground, and it’s her pig.’

His creepy smile returned.

THE END

I can’t sign this in good conscience.

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13 thoughts on “The Grossest Idea I’ve Ever Had (On Here Anyhow)

      • Hey! I enjoy a good barnyard sex story. I know not everybody does. It’s a shame really. People need to learn to lighten up.

        I gave you a plug today in my blog.

        You’re welcome.

        And I love you too.

    • Yep, we sure do. That’s funny, I was just finishing all of my reading, and yours was the last. I left you a comment about your email subscriptions. Mine used to be like that too, but then people weren’t visiting the blog. I think they just mail a link now. Good job on the marathon thing. That’s a pretty sweet medal.

  1. Thanks for reading my spouts of nonsense! And I saw your comment about the email thing. I’m actually trying to take your advice, but I can’t figure out how to change my email setting so that only a partial post gets sent. I’ve clicked here/there/everywhere in the Blogger Dashboard thingy and can’t figure out where to go (I’m obviously a complete genius on the computer). Heeeellllp!

  2. Pingback: When You Wish Upon A Star | Change The Topic

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